my baby possible trigger

Ice always neen a pack rat. Part of my ocd is to keep and hoard everything

Well yesterday I threw out 9 bags of garbage and part of it was blankets that was going to go in my babys crib when he was born 8 years ago. Well he never made it home and yesterday I threw away his crib bumpers and I kept saying I didn't get rid of the clothes he wore so this is ok because he never made it home

And today I'm feeling like I made a bad choice like I was a bad mom and I can't shake my urges today. I'm rambling sorry I just feel so rotten and wrong

I wish he would have made it. Maybe id have
Been better. Dunno

He would be 8 this year and I always wonder what life would be like with him here

Thanks for listening
Colleen

colleen what you did was really hard... and i want you to know that i am amazed at your strength.... be gentle with yourself...lyn

Thanks for replying
Right now the only thing I got keeping me safe is that I'm at work today

Just feel so rotten

(((((((((((((( Colleen ))))))))))))))

I feel for you hon, you're not wrong or rotten, you're a good person. This must have been so hard to do... keeping you in my thoughts and holding your hand

Hey

thanks for the reply. I keep getting all teary eyed today.

I know its been 8 years and i should be ok with this, just cant be today ,.....just cant

feel like im deserting my kid.

me

And of course today they are having a thing at work for the march of dimes. for babies who were born with disabilities today. and the signs are all over the place. the triggers are coming on like wildfire today.

((((Colleen)))). Everyone that has ever had to go through what you have been through with your child 8 years ago feels remourse when they go to move on in another direction in life. Things almost become the existence of their own entity of remembrance for the child, in order to cope with the loss. I hope in time that you will know that even though you threw out things of your childs, that it is okay to remember without the constant guilt of having to keep things long term in order to feel connected to your child. I am sure you did everything you could do as a mother, and I am sure that you know that as well (although it is sometimes hard to believe) if you suffer with depression or another mental health disorder. Hopefully you will discuss these feelings with your therapist to help you move forward in your life. I hope you feel better soon Colleen, and I sincerely hope you contact your therapist to help you during this time if you are not feeling better soon. PM anytime. Take care.Soidhonia

coll dont worry. trowing out the stuff is like moving on. you arent abandoning him. dont put yourself out. be nice to yourself.
*hugs*
dot

Thank you soidhonia and DOT.....you guys are awesome.
Its just a hard day and i felt like i was giving him up

I see that i am not. just raw feelings today i guess. I sent T an email this morning. waiting for a response.

Hugs to you both.

C

(((((((( Colleen )))))))))))))
You are not abandoning him - he's right in your heart and couldn't be any closer.
Maybe you can allow yourself to keep some things and gifting the rest to someone else. That is perfectly logical. When my best friend died, I kept anything that reminded me of him - a Red Robin mini robin from our fav restaurant, a stuffy seahorse he won at the fair and threw at me... a mood ring he gave me. It's been 7 years and I still have all that - I don't plan on letting go of them.
ANd your son is much closer to you than even that - he's a part of you. Keep breathing, know he's right there, in your very breath - created by you, always with you.
Hugging you tight!!!!

((((((((Colleen)))))))))

You're not a bad mom. In fact, I know you would have been a great mom. The best. And whether its been 8 years or 8 weeks, the pain is still real, and its ok that you're feeling this... you "shouldn't" feel anything just because a certain amount of time has passed.

I can only imagine how you're feeling, but I want you to know you don't have to be alone in how you're feeling. I'm glad you have your work to help you get through the day, and you have us here to help you get through the night. Now's the time to lean on those that you trust and care about.

Sending you lots of love and hugs

me

((((((((((((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry today was so painful. What you went through is heart wrenching and there is no time limit on how you feel. I am sorry it is so hard to feel such strong feelings. Know that I am out here and believe you would be a great mom. Please try and be kind to yourself.

BB

Jac, thanks so much for beng here for me. i had to relax last night because it was just too hard. My husband felt it too. So i know it wasnt just me over thinking again.

I appreciate you so much.

Colleen

BB

Thanks again for the kind words, you always step up and reach out to help and that means a lot to me. im feeling much better today.

Now hopefully tonite, i can sleep too!
Colleen

(((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))))

(((((colleen)))))
there comes a time when you need to clear things out, otherwise you run out of room. I have kept a shoe box with a few momentos of my son in it (he never came home either), and I know somewhere in the linen cupboard is the cot bumper that was for him, but apart from that I got rid of everything else that I didn't need . He would have been 6 this year. It was strange tho- I never really got anything ready for him. We had most stuff from our 1st child but nothing extra for him, and nothing 'new' (that I can remember). Maybe that made it easier too?- that's right- I got a double buggy and we donated it to a local organisation supporting families with high needs. But anyway, as you know, he is always there with you, and you will never forget him. Take care (((((colleen)))))

(((((((((( colleen, sujunew ))))))))))))))

how are you doing colleen?

sujunew, thanks so much for your reply. Its good to know im not feeling this way because im going out of my mind.

It is hard for me. he would be 8 this year.

Im doing better now. thanks to my friends at pc.

Colleen

lyn & kiya thanks for backing me up all the time.

You are wonderful and im doing much better now.....working on it!

Thanks to you guys im doing better

((((((((((((((((((((( lots o hugs!!!! )))))))))))))))))))))

colleen i have been thinking about you...how are you doing? lyn

Lyn and kiya,

Thank you both so much for caring. I am doing much better these past few days.

I so value your opinions and friendship.

I hope YOU are ok today

Colleen

((((((((((((( Colleen ))))))))))))))

(((((((((( colleen ))))))))))))))))