[x_BabyG_x]

Really sorry about all this but I just had to let it all out.

Had a bit of a doing last week and I woke up in the middle of the night and had bit of a panic attack, then had to actually STOP myself from cutting (and by stopping I mean gripping onto the bed to stop me doing anything stupid!)... because my boyfriend was in bed next to me.

Anyway, he ended up waking up scared to hell and after numberous attempts to calm me down, I felt like a right.... arse.

I'm so embarassed. He's new to all of this, he has only recently found out about the SI and it terrified the life out of him, I felt awful. We talked about it the next morning and he was ok with it, (but still a bit shaken up, lol), but I still dont think that he's accepted it. My hand was all bruised and swollen because I was biting into it whilst trying not to do something stupid and he saw it the next day and gave a look while shaking his head.

Too be honest I feel like he deserves better, as whatever I go through he goes through aswell, I feel like a absolute %#@&#! up and I still cant look him in the eye properly

grrrrrrrrrrrr. I hate myself right now. babyg xxx

[bchlyn]

i know how hard waking up in a panic attack can be... i am glad you weren't alone... i know that you feel bad for scaring him... try and remember that he was scared because he cares about you...take gentle care...lyn

[x_BabyG_x]

Thanks lyn

Still feel bad for it all though, I keep thinking that he's going to have enough one day and leave me. Then I will be having panic attacks! lol

babyg xxx

[bchlyn]

are you getting any help for your panic attacks?... i know that when i am on meds as much as i hate them i am able to get grounded much easier... lyn

[x_BabyG_x]

Well actually the reason I think started it was because the next morning I had an apointment to meet my new T for the first time. Dont really have panic attacks that much too be honest, it's just the SI thing

xxx

[Typo]

I'm sorry that happend x_BabyG_x. It always stinks to wake up in a panic..bchlyn is right though he is just scared because he cares about you. How did your T vist go??

[bchlyn]

i have been with my t off and on for the past 16 years... and i trust him more then anyone else... but i tend to get triggered the day before my appointment... how did your appointment go?...lyn

[x_BabyG_x]

It went ok. I was absolutely TERRIFIED at first, because I knew I had to tell him everything that has happened that I cant seem to let go of... I cant even remember half the stuff most of the time. But once I got going I couldnt stop! He seemed to really understand aswell, i kept telling myself that he wasnt there to judge, he was there to help, so went pretty well.

I know what you mean by when you both say he was scared because he cares, he even told me that himself. Not meaning to sound harsh on him, but it would be so much easier if he got used to it all.

He tells me all the time if I needed to talk then just let it out, but I cant seem to bring myself to it, even the thought of it makes me cringe!

xxx

[Fuzzybear]

Glad to hear it went well with the new T!

[Kiya]

"Too be honest I feel like he deserves better, as whatever I go through he goes through aswell, I feel like a absolute %#@&#! up and I still cant look him in the eye properly

grrrrrrrrrrrr. I hate myself right now. babyg xxx "

How are things with your bf? i don't think you are any of those things btw and i hope you can fel better about yourself and your coping methods. we all know we are suppoed to be working on changing our coping methods... but that can (i am guessing here) only come with acceptance and respect.

hope you're ok!!!! Kiya