annoyed with myself...

missed the last session because i jumped on the wrong bus and ended up out in the suburbs and couldn't make my appointment on time. i managed to contact him to let him know and he was very understanding, but i'm still kicking myself.

missed the session before because he phoned just as i was about to leave and said he needed to cancel because he was on the tail end of the flu. i was understanding about that because he saw me once when he was on the tail end of the flu and the session didn't really go very well. he was distracted and stuff. trying not to sniff etc. probably dosed up to his eyeballs on pseudoephedrine...

so i haven't seen him for a couple weeks, i guess. last time i saw him i was basically ranting about my friend (because the docs thought he was likely not going to make it) after spending the night at the hospital and having around 3 hours sleep.

my dad and stepmother visited me over the weekend. hadn't seen them for around 18 months. the first day was really hard. talked a little with my therapist about them the time before i ranted about my friend (or maybe during that session). was telling him about them and some of my earlier experiences with them when i was a teenager and the like. trying to be descriptive and not judgemental. trying to be charitable. he said 'your stepmother rejected you'. damn psychiatrists. i never thought of that. i remember my first hospitalisation where my psychiatrist said 'your father abandoned you'. i didn't know how to feel about that. another psychiatrist said 'if only your mother had loved you' after my OD. damn them. planting those seeds... i'm not sure how i feel about all that. i don't want to be the victim, dammit. i don't want to be a victim. 'you were a victim then, but you aren't a victim now' is his response to that. damn him.

my stepmother rejected me... and of course that infected my dealings with them this time around. did it help? well... i felt anger towards her. i always tried to be nice to her and to accept her and to get on well with her because i understood that that was really important to my father. truth is that we never really hit it off, however. i hit it off really well with his previous girlfriend so it isn't like i was jealous of his having a girlfriend. it is just that i don't get on particularly well with my stepmother.

i find her to be cold to me.

we walk into a museum. i walk in first because she walks next to my father and there simply isn't room for me to walk beside the both of them. i turn left... and she turns right (every time she chooses the opposite direction to me). dad stands there (sometimes) looking caught. unsure what to do. mostly... he follows her. 'i want' 'i want' she wants and he jumps. she talks over me. she ignores what i have to say (of course she understands the bus service here better than me even though i've been living here for 18 months). we walked somewhere and i was a couple blocks out (about 3 minutes out - not a big deal) and i'm apologising all over the place and she is like 'you don't have to apologise all the time, why are you apologising?' and i think (but don't say) 'because you are looking so annoyed with me and so disapproving right now that i'm looking for a little reassurance that you don't mind and that things are okay'. i didn't think to say that at the time.

the next day... a friend came with me. she instructed my father to say 'you guys just do your thing and if we get seperated we will meet outside in an hour'. so much for their trip to see me so that my father could see me and spend some time with me. the day went better though for having another person around.

i noticed that she is quite keen on male attention. after some thought i see that... she doesn't really have any female friends... maybe that is being a bit unfair... but i think part of this is a female thing...

she did reject me. saw me as competition for my fathers affections. never took any sense of pride in my accomplishments. never encouraged me at all. always looks at my failings or faults. she rejected me.

i feel... somewhat liberated... but grieving as well. all her (joking kinda semi sorta) talk about 'wicked stepmothers' isn't because i treat her as such... it is because she treats me as such. the things they do for her kids... the absence of caring about me...

i don't want to have anything to do with them.

t says 'sometimes it is better to cut ties while one is in recovery'

but i'll be in recovery all my life, really. my dad is okay. weak. can't stand up for himself. can't stand up for me. but fairly inoffensive. a nice guy. i get on alright with him, basically. but really and truely my father has terrible taste in women.

I'm sorry about their visit, Alex. Sounds very painful. Can't you ever see your dad by yourself, or does your stepmother always have to be along? Did you get any time alone with him, at the corner coffee shop for an hour, anywhere?

Sorry about your missing your time with T again this week. I hope the next week passes quickly for you.

((((hugs))))

Wow you write so descriptively. I felt almost like I was witnessing it! Sucks about your stepmother. Could you tell your dad you'd like to spend a little time alone with him? That's not unreasonable for a father & daughter at any age, even if it annoys your stepmother. I'm sorry you have to put up with her! She sounds awful!

Yeah, sucks that you couldn't see your therapist. Sometimes I'm in a daze when I leave therapy and get on the wrong train. Once I was way late to therapy because the bus just passed right by me when I was standing at the bus stop (I guess I was invisible that day!) and it took forever for me to get another one. Ugh.

Sidony

hey. i don't really get any time alone with my father, no. one of the things i told my therapist was how i lived with them for a couple months and used to go out to ride horses after school. my father used to come out there when he finished work and watch me ride for a bit and chat to me and my friends while we finished up after riding and fed the horses and stuff. then he would throw my bike in the back of the van and we would go home for dinner...

my stepmother didn't like that, though. i guess dad used to go straight home after work and help her prepare dinner. of course they could have changed their routine so that we all prepared dinner once i got back from riding... but instead her and dad sat me down for a chat one day and she basically said 'we think you are only using us to go horse riding and you actually don't want to live with us so you have to go back and live with your mother now'.

i used to get a bit of time with him when he would come to pick me up and drive me back to their place. i don't drive, you see. but sometimes she would come along for that too. aside from that... she is always around. i don't get to do anything with just him. she was also keen to have me do things with her while dad is doing other things (being at work or whatever). but i don't really understand that because we don't get on particularly well. i have done that at times, however. just hung out with her. she basically does whatever it is that she wants to do (reads a paper or a magazine or turns the tv on to whatever she wants to watch) and i'm just kinda expected to agree with whatever she says. to be her... validating internal/external voice or whatever.

can't do it.

we did go to the pub, though. there is a pub that brews its own beer and my dad likes beer (and i've acquired a taste for it). she complained a little because she likes wine and they aren't renowned for their good wine selection. but we went anyway. after a pint my father came out of his shell a little. we went out for a smoke or two (i do get some time alone with him when we go for a cigarette - though she is very disapproving indeed about smoking). he actually said 'listen to her' to my stepmother a couple times when she interrupted me midstream. he does it so rarely... but sometimes he does kinda stick up for me. or do some kind of gesture... come and find me after stepmother has resolutely walked to the opposite corner of the museum to me... we share little moments of attunement... sometimes... but it is very rare indeed. it seems to be those moments that my stepmother is most opposed to.

and there it is.

i've just never really looked at any of this. because... all i ever wanted was for my father to be happy. and... he seems to have chosen her. and in a funny kind of way he seems to be happy with her. so... there it is.

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alexandra_k said:
i've just never really looked at any of this. because... all i ever wanted was for my father to be happy. and... he seems to have chosen her. and in a funny kind of way he seems to be happy with her. so... there it is.

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This story makes me sad. I wish there was more room for you in his happiness. I'm glad he sticks up for you sometimes. Maybe you can call him some time and talk to just him?

Must go to sleep now....
Sidony

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alexandra_k said:
my father used to come out there when he finished work and watch me ride for a bit and chat to me and my friends while we finished up after riding and fed the horses and stuff. then he would throw my bike in the back of the van and we would go home for dinner...

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That sounds so idyllic, a special father-daughter time.

then this:
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alexandra_k said:
her and dad sat me down for a chat one day and she basically said 'we think you are only using us to go horse riding and you actually don't want to live with us so you have to go back and live with your mother now'.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> This is so hurtful. I really feel sad for that little girl. (((hugs)))

Stepmothers are strange and take a lifetime to understand I think. I acquired mine when I was five. They have had their own lives and ways of thinking and I believe that since we're not "theirs" the fit can be horrible.

Are you or your stepmother left-handed? I was reading a scientific book on left-handedness and it pointed out that since 90% of people are right-handed, the world is set up for them and when you go into grocery stores, "they" have you going toward the right for what they want you to buy/high price items, etc. just like they put all the stuff you "need" in the back of the store so you'll have to walk past the other stuff and hopefully impulse buy. But it was interesting reading about how left-handers (that would be me :-) can turn wrong directions, have trouble learning to dance with another (that would be me too, very bad experience as a teenager to not be able to "follow" when dancing with a boy in the early-1960s). But left-handed people literally die 5-10 years earlier on average than right-handed because the world is set up for the right-handed and literally dangerous for lefties. Other than in England, driving a car and have an emergency and a lefty will unconsciously jerk the wheel left, right into the line of oncoming traffic. Buttons and controls for machinery are set up across the lefties body from their dominant hand, etc.

But I only felt better about my stepmother when she bought me a coat I wanted and it was many sizes too big. I was puzzled and a bit hurt because she'd been buying me clothes forever and was a stickler for fit. But then I suddenly realized she felt I was "bigger"/better/larger-than-life, etc. for her. She was a bit "afraid" of me/in awe I think. She had wanted to go to college but it was the Depression and only her brothers were sent to college since she'd just get married and have a family and who wants to waste the money -- it's so hard thinking about the old societal rules (some still in effect when I was growing up) and I feel so sorry for her. But I was a college graduate and she thought I was "smarter" than she was just because of that! This woman who use to stand in front of the Saks and other high-end store windows and sketch the designer dresses there and then go home, make a pattern, and then the dress for the formal parties she and my father attended!

But don't be so annoyed with yourself, Alexandra. Our parents have their own issues and didn't wake one morning and think, "gee, how can we mess up Perna's life today?" And I figure if I can feel a bit sorry for them and their struggles then I should feel a bit of compassion for myself too?

Hey. No, we aren't left handed.

I think that my stepmother is partly jealous of me. She never got the opportunity to go to university. I have suggested to her that she pick up a course or two now that she is retired (she could get a student loan for that which she would never have to pay back) but I don't know that she took my suggestion seriously. Part of that is probably the same fear that everyone has that they won't be smart enough or whatever. She could jolly well do that though and so it is her choice that she does not.

I try and be charitable and sympathetic to her. I'm aware that the way I narrate the story affects how I view her which affects how I behave towards her which affects how she behaves towards me. That is partly why I was annoyed with my t saying that she had rejected me. If I view her as rejecting me then it makes anger an understandable response. If I view her as rejecting me then it is hard not to feel angry. I don't want to feel angry at her because I don't want to put my Father in any more of an uncomfortable position than he is already. I don't want to promote tension or hostility between them.

When I was talking to my t I did say something about how it is really hard to take it when she tells me that my Father is proud of me (which she did after I got accepted to do my PhD on scholarship). I was angry about that because for so long she was ashamed of me. I was the black sheep. The drug addict. The mentally ill person who had been just released from the institution. The person who might not ever be able to walk. She was ashamed of me. Then (once I was accepted to do my PhD) she gloated about me to her brother and his wife in my presence. Resulting in their children (my cousins?) feeling bad about their not having gone to university... I said something to my t about how I was not her prize object and if she couldn't feel proud of me before then she had no right to be proud of me then. I said that in quite a loud / indignant tone. A little while later he said something about my being angry with her... And I denied it. It was only after therapy that I wondered why he thought I felt angry with her and I remembered that earlier part of the conversation.

I do feel angry with her.

I feel angry with her because she never said anything validating of me or supportive of me or encouraging of me until then. I feel angry with her because I tried my hardest to please her and all of my best efforts were criticised. I feel angry with her for rejecting me then justifying it by saying that I rejected her. I feel angry with her for always prioritising her children over me. I feel angry with her for stepping in to assist her children while I always had to practically beg and feel guilty for asking for their assistance. I feel angry that she doesn't like it that I have a connection with my Father. I feel angry that she goes on about how good it is that I spend time with my Father and yet she scowls when I actually do spend time with my Father. I feel angry that she blames the distance between my Father and myself on me when she is so rejecting of me when I try and spend time with him. I feel angry that she required me to run around after her validating her (and rejecting my validation) when I was a %#@&#! kid who needed someone to do that for me. I feel angry that everything is supposed to be my fault. I feel angry that she requires my Father to choose between me or her.

I feel angry that my Father chose her. I feel angry that my Father chose her over me. I feel angry that there were other %#@&#! women that he dated who accepted me and he chose my %#@&#! stepmother over them. I feel angry that he says he is there for me but that his behaviour has him running for the hills because he simply... Doesn't know what to do.

I feel so sad for him that he doesn't know what to do.
He doesn't know what to do.
He needs someone to look after him.
That he was (and is) incapable of looking after me.
That he only has time for me when she allows it.

And my choice (as has always been my choice) is to push it down push it down push all these hard feelings down. To personalise it. To feel depressed. To hide away in my room because I thought if I was quiet if I was quiet if I was oh so very quiet then they would forget that I was in the house and then they wouldn't be able to object to my presence. That they would let me stay with them.

But it didn't matter what I did... It didn't matter what I did...

They sent me home. That was when I realised that my Father wasn't going to take me away from my mother. I ran away. They looked into my situation with my mother. I was put in a social welfare home. ashamed of me... my father didn't come and see me once when i was in the home. know what he says?

we thought you were happy there.

it is better that i don't have anything to do with them.
they just hurt.

she makes him choose.
she puts him in that position over and over and over.
and he keeps choosing her.

i had to push it down
(i have to push it down)
because if i don't...
i'll lose him for good.

so i'll just repress it.
and kt can cry
but j will lock her away
behind iron and stone and steel
she'll never express dependency or need
dependency or need that will only be ignored
as someone else makes demands
and people choose them over me
every time.

((((((Alex))))))

How beautiful your story, how it touches my heart and resonates in my soul. I think it's because of how I coped as a little girl. I read books, mostly fairy tales and fantasized my life away. It was a coping strategy, and not a bad one at that. But your story reads like one of Grimm's.

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I feel angry with her because she never said anything validating of me or supportive of me or encouraging of me until then. I feel angry with her because I tried my hardest to please her and all of my best efforts were criticised

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Alex I felt this same way about my mother. I was also the black sheep, so to speak,but it wasn't until I was a young adult and had a really good job and a husband, that finally I was "good enough." Finally I had her approval. I am only dealing with this stuff now, though, in my midle age. I have realized that it's MY approval I need, not hers.

I think it's a good idea to keep your stepmother out of your life while you heal. You are not bad, or lacking, she is.

I wish you could tell your father that a relationship with him ALONE is what you need from him. Maybe you could meet for dinner once every couple of months? Or horseriding?

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and kt can cry
but j will lock her away

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(((((kt))))) I hope kt gets to express what she needs.

You are so accopmlished Alex, and I wish you kindness. You have been too good go your stepmother and she has not earned your goodness. Now it's time to be good to yourself.

thank you. on the up side we are living in different countries now (thats why i hadn't seen them in 18 months). i said something about maybe going home for a while in december (around a conference) but i'm not sure if i'll do that. i probably will. i won't catch up with them for long, however, and i'll try to stay with friends.

i don't know what to say...
i guess i'll talk to my t about it tomorrow.

but i don't know. right now i just want to feel connected. feel held. scared of him, sure. but i feel like i need some connection right now. maybe some gentle tears or something.

its funny... usually when i cry in therapy i really really cry. tears and snot. have to blow my nose quite loudly to clear it properly. embarrassing, sure. but i'd do it anyway. with him... i cry. but it is different. water in my eyes. but no sobs. no snotty nose. don't use the tissues just wipe my eyes with my hands. not sure why. the tears seem more healing, though. i'm not so concerned about them passing when they are ready. not so concerned about keeping them around for a while so i don't appear too 'reactive' or 'labile' or whatever. don't care. i just don't want to have to blow my nose.

something happened once when i was in hospital. i had difficulty getting on with one of my skills group leaders. my therapist (who i really liked) had just left. the skills leader was talking to me... basically telling me what my problem was blah de blah... something happened. lost time. i think what happened was that i kinda flew on her. didn't hurt her 'cause i was too disorganised. i just remember her going on and on... just wanting her to stop. feeling distant... then curled up into a tight little ball on the floor wailing with such anguish and horror at what i'd done...

anyway... i think they led / carried me to my room and i curled up there and cried for a while. this nurse (who i didn't know) came in. she asked if i wanted a hug. i couldn't believe that she offered after what i'd done. i gave her a hug and... put my face up next to hers and one of my tears got on her cheek. hard to explain... such an intimate gesture. she didn't seem to mind. it helped me. never forgotten that. don't suppose i ever will. sometimes i just want to be held. so i can grizzle... and be held. i feel so repulsive. but the closeness feels scary sometimes too. like... it shouldn't happen. dirty somehow. %#@&#! church councellor i used to have. why didn't i come with a mute? :-(

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alexandra_k said:
I don't want to feel angry at her because I don't want to put my Father in any more of an uncomfortable position than he is already. I don't want to promote tension or hostility between them.

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It is both okay to feel angry (and if you are angry, "reasons" don't matter, it is detrimental to you to NOT feel it!) and you are not responsible for your father's and stepmother's marriage!

My stepmother threw that at me once, that I almost caused them to get divorced. My T made short shrift of that! Their marriage was their own problem and had nothing at all to do with me.

We can't control our feelings, they just are. They are just there to help us communicate with and orient ourselves? "Refusing" to accept that one feels angry cuts off the flow of information telling one's self that there's a problem that needs addressing. Not addressing problems leads to unnecessary frustration or worse, feeling like one can't address the problem which leads to depression. "Stuckness" is never a good thing :-)

i don't want to hurt my dad. i've always tried to help and protect him. i don't want to hurt him. if i feel angry then it will make things worse. make things worse for him. i don't want to hurt him. i don't want to put him in an uncomfortable position.

talked to t about this a bit today. so much has been happening in my life over the last couple weeks and i haven't seen him for a while.

see him next friday. then i have a week of conference. then he is taking a week off.

i feel disconnected again. we really are terrible (between the two of us) with coordinating our not being able to get to sessions. he takes one then i take one. or vice versa. that happens a lot. i feel so disconnected. so far away. i wanted to feel close to him today :-( maybe i didn't let him get close :-( i did want to try and talk to him a bit about my father and stepmother. i felt the pain a bit. its hard though. my dad chose her over me. she puts him in the position of having to choose over and over and over. he chooses her most of the time. if i want to have anything of my dad at all then i have to try and change the position that he is stuck in. 'its okay dad, i understand'. i have to do that if i want anything of him at all. because he won't, you see. he won't. he has made his choice. i think it pains him a little at times. i do what i can so he doesn't hurt. i feel sorry for him mostly.

but i've lost him anyway. so i might as well feel mad. why don't i feel mad? habit i guess. whatever. i don't care. i don't care. i don't care anymore. don't need him anyway. whatever.

alexandra-

your last post really resonated with me--

can I give you a bit of background?......

I've always been replaceable by my mother, ever since I was a tiny toddler she has shown me how valuable other people are that aren't related to her than those that are. Sitting a distance away-- I watched as she showed neighbor girls to sew, cook and crochet.... I knew I was too flawed to do such things....as she kept me away and said things like " Oh, I don't have Mandy try it, she'll just mess it up"..... as an adult she still does this.... spends time and gives advice to mothers my age who have children my children's ages--- she goes to watch those non-related kids ball games, school plays and birthday parties--- while my children have no grandma at their events......
SHE ALWAYS chooses someone else than ME...

I've not been able to "feel" anything about it all as I fear what is the right thing to feel??..... it's been this way my whole life.... I'm not ever the chosen one.....

Alexandra, I know that feeling ...... in the pit of the stomach..... the hurting heart..... the feelings swirl so much so that it all goes numb.....

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why don't i feel mad? habit i guess. whatever. i don't care. i don't care. i don't care anymore. don't need him anyway. whatever.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> yea, I understand...... we do need them but like to hope that we don't and ..... *whispers*-- we really do care if they chose us or not. it's just so hard to care-- but it's even harder to let it go.......

I hope I made some kind of sense here..... .... my goal was to let you know someone understands and you're not alone and also, keep on-keeping on...... we are here for you.

mandy ps... my dad is deceased but while living, was not an active part in my life.

I heard a lot of anger and hurt in your postings. It is okey to feel angry and hurt with your step-mother. I can see that you are concerned that being angry with your step-mother will hurt your step-father. You are not responsible for the decisions and emotions of others. I had some unresolved issues with childhood (resentment towards my parents). I shared them with T and wrote some notes to my parents. I never mailed the letters out. I just shared them with T as a way to express my feelings. I suspect that this idea might work for you too. I think I have managed to forgive my parents after this. I suspect that you would need to stay clear of them for a while until you have worked out some of your feelings with T. Then, you would be better able to deal with the situation.
I also hope that you find a way to spend some time with father without your step-mother. However, it sounds like she might not allow that. If so, then try to work out some of the emotions with T and try to spend time with the both of them. I don''t know if you have many other options: avoid them, live with the situation as it is, keep talking about it...
I hope you find a way to deal with all of this.

hey. you know... it occurred to me today (probably because of things that people have been posting) that some people have the kind of relationship that i have with my stepmother with their mother. my mother was... %#@&#! up in her own special way... but i guess she never rejected me the way my stepmother did. what is harder for me... is that my dad rejected me too. that one is really hard. that dad chose my stepmother over me. that he does (at least sometimes partially) see that she his rejecting of me... and he does nothing.

i guess i know that he isn't going to do anything. his response to those kinds of dilemma situations is to placate my stepmother. my response to the situation is to placate him. 'cause otherwise i'll lose him. really be faced / confronted with his choosing her over me. i try and smooth those situations over so he doesn't have to choose. not sure why. not sure. habit maybe.

i'm sorry your mother isn't more accepting / supportive of you.

> I've not been able to "feel" anything about it all as I fear what is the right thing to feel??..... it's been this way my whole life.... I'm not ever the chosen one.....

yeah. i don't know how one is supposed to feel about it either. numb? i don't know beyond that.

> Alexandra, I know that feeling ...... in the pit of the stomach..... the hurting heart..... the feelings swirl so much so that it all goes numb.....

yeah.

> it's just so hard to care-- but it's even harder to let it go.......

i said something to my t about how i did feel a little pissed / angry this time. and how i did express a little of that. they could tell i was pissed etc. not a great deal of that but a little. it was just that it was hard... because i feel upset and i'm not sure what to say. not sure how best to express it without making things worse.

maybe the idea is that some distance from the situation will help. will help me not care so much so that i can say things sometimes.

maybe... i need to figure out how to say something to the effect that it would be nice for me to catch up with my father but i'd like to have some time alone with him so that we can catch up.

i'm not terribly sure... but i think that sometimes dad does do things with the boys (go to the pub or whatever) and my stepmother does things with the girls (go to the ballet or whatever). i think it is important that it is known that if anything happens between them then i'm batting for my father. i'm one of those 'mututal friends' who is appropriately regarded as a 'mutual friend' for so long as they are together. if they were to split up or whatever then i wouldn't have anything to do with her, however.

and then... it is up to dad whether he chooses to see me on those terms or not.

the hardest thing about asking...

is the liklihood that he will say 'no' and / or that he (or stepmother) will start up about me rejecting her or whatever...

i would like the opportunity to say to him that for all her talk about me rejecting her... i was about 10 or 11 when they got together and SHE WAS THE ADULT. i'm sure it won't take that much thought for him to see that she has always been cold to me (and that i was always warm to his girlfriends).

its just setting myself up for rejection, i guess.

though... dad being the weak person that he is... he might actually be grateful if he gets to say to my stepmother that he (and only he) has been invited to do something with me and that i explicitly said that she wasn't invited. that way he can blame me, you see. and when he saw me he might even be grateful for my having done that.

why is he so weak?

ever since i can remember i just wanted to protect him.

i'm terrified that my stepmother and my mother... are the way they are largely because...

they felt the same.

ugh.

hey. thanks. i'm in a different country from them and so the issue of my seeing them doesn't really come up often.

this was the first time i had seen them in 18 months.

i think that the distance has helped me see things a bit more objectively (or non-personally).

i think that more social interaction with people here (who basically accept me and who listen to me a bit and respect me as a person) has made it even more salent that my step-mother simply doesn't behave as though she accepts me or listens to me or respects me as a person. before... i kind of thought it was normal. now... i kind of see that it isn't normal. and it isn't really acceptable either.

i think i need some more time...

i'm kinda all done with being nice to her. takes so much effort. can't really see a way of being nice to her that isn't so effortful that is pleasant for me. that is what is hard. i can't see how the social interaction with my step-mother is supposed to be pleasant for me.

so...

why should i have social interaction with her?

because she is the gatekeeper for my dad.

maybe...

i'll just leave it alone until he contacts me.

i don't know.

some more time. some more processing. the way things are at present i'm better without them in my life.

i feel sorry for my dad.

pity... apparently nobody likes to feel pity. how come? i'm not sure. i do feel something like pity for my dad, though. probably i'm being unfair to him thinking that he is more helpless than he is in fact.

i guess i have a choice. either he was incapable (is incapable) of standing up for me... or he is capable but chooses not to.

i expect the second is true.

hard to face though hard to face.

i guess i've never really faced the fact that he abandoned me.

just thought 'i understand. i would have got out if i could have too.'

all i ever wanted was for him to be happy.
i loved him so much.
part of me still does.
that part has to be locked away.
'cause it hurts. it hurts too much.