I was at dinner tonight and my older sister was like what is that from? refering to some scars on my shoulder and i was like uhhh bella (my puppy) did that when we were playing tug a war. My sister was like oh it looks more like a cat would do that. but she believed me and started talking about something else but my mom just keept stairing at my arm. Thankfully only 4 scars were visible. but i got all shivery and asked to be excused. I am in deep **** i think.

[EJ711]

Court Knee,

I think it would be good to let your mother know what is going on.

EJ

ummm no, sorry not going to happen. That's impossible.

I will tell you guys a story:

January 2007 I cut myself for the first time after some crappy stuff happened to me. My step dad did some things that a step dad shouldn’t do to his step daughter. I never told anyone in my real life. I just turned to cutting. I didn’t really know what I was doing but a lot of people in my school talked to me about how they did it and how it just zapped the stress away. I was like oh maybe it will work for me. So I did it and when I told my one friend she said that was cool and showed me her scars. I knew it wasn’t cool but I couldn’t help it. I stopped being friends with her though after she told me drinking and weed was cool too. Anyway, I went to a church retreat and I have this friend who went to another school who was there too. She was a year older then me and one of the helpers at the retreat. The job of the helpers was to give "talks" about what they have gone through and how God helped them through it. All of them had insane stories. But my friend, Katrina's, fell way to close to my own. I started crying and couldn’t stop so my friend Megan just hugged me. I told her I just felt bad for Katrina. We were outside by the fire that night and Megan, Katrina, and I were just talking and I told them how I cut and Katrina hugged me and promised she would never tell anyone because she never told her parents.

We had to go inside to get ready for our next activity so I was in my dorm changing and Katrina never came up. I was like this is weird because I knew she needed to change too. So I go down to the kitchen and my youth minister asks me if she can talk to me. I am so scared at this point because obviously I know what it’s going to be about. We go and sit down in the church and she starts saying how Katrina told her what I had told her and I feel so bad to say this but I started lying in church. I told her she is wrong she’s lying but when I finally got stuck in my own lie I told her my mom knew about it. She told me she knew I was lying and I had a week to tell my mom and then she was calling her on Sunday. I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t believe Katrina did this to me. My youth minister told me that if I ever just needed someone to call to yell at or scream at I could call her, or I could call her to just talk. She told me she would call and check on me after also. She never did. She was a liar. I never talked to her again after that night.

Katrina never came to our dorm that night. I spent the night sobbing into my pillow in a dark room alone, just how I felt inside. She slept in my friend Megan’s dorm. I felt so betrayed and that added to why I can never trust anyone. I felt like no one cared about me. I began turning away from God at this point. This was his entire fault.

Anyway I went home on Monday after not enjoying the rest of my weekend and I didn’t know what to do. On wed. I went to my guidance counselor and told her about my whole weekend asking her for advice on how to tell my mom. I figured you are supposed to be able to trust them but you know what she did. She told me she wouldn’t let me leave her office until my mom knew about it all. She made me call my mom while she sat there. My mom told me "We needed to talk when I got home." I hated my guidance councilor. Just one other person who betrayed my trust. She never called me down the rest of the year, ever. Not ever once asked how it went when I got home.

If she had asked I would have lied anyway, but it would have been nice to know that some one cared. I never feel like anyone cares. When I got home that day after staying late at school I took a 2 hour shower avoiding my mom until she finally told me I needed to “get out now and talk to her”. She yelled and yelled and yelled at me. Told me that I was stupid and crazy, asked what had gotten in to me. She told me that you could have me locked up with “others like me” and that I embarrassed her so much because now my school and church knew and it made her look bad. Then she told me I had to call and tell my dad who lives in another state. I refused and she said she was too ashamed of me to be the one to tell him. She asked me where I did it and I just said my arm and showed her the one I had never done. I lied and told her I tried it 3 times because I was stressed about school and I didn’t like it so I would never do it again I just felt bad about doing it. She believed me. She never once hugged me, never once told me things would be okay, never once asked me why.

My mom used that piece of information against me a lot and still does today. Each time she does it is like a stab in the heart. Once when we were in the car on the way to my chorus concert we got into a fight about the move. I didn’t want to move to a new house and school for my junior year. She was like why not? And I told her it wasn’t fair and she blew up at me. My step dad told her to let it go and she said “why? So she can go home and cut herself?” My 10 year old sister was sitting right there. I couldn’t believe her. Another time we were at a restaurant and my little sister asked my mom what emo meant. She said “doesn’t it mean when you slice your wrists?” my mom turned to me and said “I don’t know honey why don’t you ask your sister?” I have a lot of little stories like that, they all hurt the same.

I went to a Christian camp this summer. I don’t know why except that my best friend was going so I went to be with her. It was really hard to even be allowed to go. My mom told me she couldn’t trust me and that I might cut myself while I was there. I started crying and when my older sister asked why my mom told her i wanted to go to camp and she didn’t think it was a good idea. My sister said “yeah she might cut while she’s there”. I couldn’t believe it. That meant my mom told my sister about that. It was none of her business. In the end I got to go though. I started working on my relationship with God while I was their worship was so beautiful and this camp has become my favorite place in the world. But it was not a totally positive experience. I almost got kicked out of the camp along with my best friend because the counselor started making up stories about us and told the director we were acting out and refused to go along with the group. This was so terrible, I never cried so much in my life. When our moms came to get us they told us that they didn’t believe us because he was the adult and he wouldn’t lie, we would. We weren’t lying. He told us how she was schizophrenic and had nine different personalities. He told us he burned himself with cigarettes and liked to beat trees with sticks until his hands went numb. He took us in the woods at 11 at night and scares us so much. No one believed us. My mom just yelled and yelled and said that I embarrassed her again.

So here I am a year later stuck in the same place. I know I can’t trust anyone because I am always betrayed in the end. I realize I am a failure at life and things will never get easier for me. So EJ, telling my mom is the last thing that will happen.

Sorry, I just like poured my heart out because I have so much on my mind. So now you guys have a little bit of insight into my life.. If anyone even bothered to read all the way to the end. I know it was lame..

[bchlyn]

court_knee... i am so sorry that you had those experiences... that would be really hard... and i can see why it would be hard to trust again... and how scared you must be right now... do you have anyone irl that you can trust?... what happened with your youth pastor? could you talk to her?... cutting is a really hard thing to understand...if you haven't been there... i really wish you had a safe person... i know you have answered this before... but do you have a t? maybe contact the women's crisis center... i don't know what the laws are regarding confidentiality for minors... but you could ask them before you say anything... please take gentle care of yourself...i am listening...lyn

[Typo]

It's not lame..it's okay. I would never tell my parent either. They know I use to but even when they found out..after reading my journal..they did nothing about it except embaress me and make me feel like %#@&#!. I hope they never find out I still self injure. My parents don't believe my when I try to explain to them that I have problems with reality..they laughed at me and is now my mom's favorite joke to comment on the fact that I hear voices. People can be cruel and people just won't understand at times.
I'm sorry that so many people have broken your trust again and again..that is horrible to go through.
I know you are a strong person..and things will be okay. It's okay to pour your heart out you don't have to apologize. Everyone has a right to be heard.
Things will get better, hold on to that faith!! Look at you now you are seven days without SI..I'm lucky if I make it a day. Noone is a failure at life..we all just take diffrent paths.
Hugs
Silversparrow

[EJ711]

Court Knee,

I read to the end.

You are NOT a failure at life.

Your Mother is not giving you the understanding and love you need right now. She shouldn't be discussing your situation with your younger sister -- that is plain wrong.

Other teens have had problems with their Step Dads too! I can't imagine how horrible that it must be to try to live in that situation.

(((((((Court Knee)))))))

EJ

[(JD)]

No, not lame. It's difficult to assert yourself when you feel no one will believe you. There is no time delay limit on abuse by adults. Why not share the truth with your minister and ask for help to change your living situation? Abusive people make you feel like it's your fault and that you have no right to tell or change your life.

Stay strong. You'll make it.

[Christina86]

((((((((((((Court_Knee)))))))))))))

Hope all goes well. I'm sorry your family isn't supportive... my family is like that too (but they dont know).

Take care of you. You are important.

[Rapunzel]

((((( Court )))))))))

I'm sorry that you have felt betrayed so much, and that the people who should be supporting you haven't stepped up to the plate. Thanks for telling us your story. It helps knowing more about what you are striggling with, and I bet it was a good thing for you to get it out.

There are always reasons why we resort to this kind of coping. I wish you had someone IRL you could trust who would actually help you. Out of the people you told about, the youth minister really did sound concerned about you and offered to let you call and yell and scream if that's what you need to do. Can you still call her? I agree that most of them could have handled things better, but I really think that at least one or two acted out of real concern for you, even if you didn't like the result. And it stinks that your mom doesn't know how to deal with your problems appropriately.

I did want you to know that I read your story.

TC,
Rap

[bchlyn]

court_knee how are you this morning?

[selfy]

*hugs court*
i know it sucks court.
keep strong im always here to play ear, and dont forget it eh. confidential, non judgemental.
go love
*hugs*

[selfy]

i also hate that look that parents giveyou. i am afraid i can garuntee that your mom knows. i hate hate hate that look. dont worry tho, she is only worried, give her hugs. talk to her if u r unhappy. it will mke er feel better. *hugs*

I am doing okay lyn thanks for asking. I am at school right now, this is my lunch break.

No, selfy i cant talk to her. You know that. And i dont think she knows. I think she believed me when i said it was from the dog.

[I_WMD]

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<, Don't get Me Wrong .!!!

Ya told me to Read It and the second post Court ..

----------------------- I feel This way >> <<.

But I hear this way >> <<.

You Wrote it out .. Not a Bad writing either . Very well Descriptive.

Court I know I say stupe stuff like ,,, this is what growing up is all about ... and fun and LOL is cool .. Hanging out with those of same likeness ..

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}}} <<< Had to throw that in .

Court as time goes and YOU wish To SHARE easily with Mom or maybe ??? Sis ?

Court ya Know What youi feel for is care and :Love. ,,, Take the time to help little sis and get yourself an understanding there, .

Noooooooooooow................................. .

Step DAD?
All I can say is never give someone else power !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GGGGGGGGGggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

kk? {*{* Court *}*} <<< You Friend coolio.

[alyssa_angel]

i love you court, what a horrible experience

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((sam)))))))))))))))))))))

wmd??

[I_WMD]

LOL Court >> ???<<

ooooooooooooooooooooooook.. I know you and I speak in dif worlds <<<, Just read my post to you and think about the >>>>What is it directing ,, not saying .

And Skip the things that You are going > ?? < about .

I mean To figure out this new English dictionary <<< It has been upgraded since I was your age << >>> LMAO LOL .

T/C .

[splitimage]

(((Courtney))))

I'm so sorry that your Mom is so non-understanding and unsupportive & that you've been betrayed so many times. It makes it hard to trust anyone.

How many years do you have before college. I was living with a step parent in high school too, and there were all kinds of problems - I lived for the day I could leave home and go to college.

But you are a very strong person for trying to stop your si now. I hope that your faith helps you.

splitimage

13 days guys!

i am home alone though and i hate being home alone so i am afraid of what i might do... but i have softball everyday aside from sundays so idk i mean ugh

[Typo]

Go Court_knee!!! Thirteen days is awesome!! Alone is hard..night time is the hardest for me. I just try to keep myself occupied with something like a book. Softball is awesome I miss playing. Keep up the good work you are so strong!!!

[bchlyn]

13 days is great... keep going .... lyn

[selfy]

13 days is good court, good good good. now lets try another 13 days eh? make it 26?
*hugs*
dot

[Christina86]

13 or 14 days now! Woot! Good job.

thanks