(Trigger)



A baby has a pacifier to suck on when it's a baby... it's how it copes, how it calms itself. But it's supposed to grow out of that. When you take that pacifier away the baby cries and cries.

A child has a security blanket often.
A kid can have its favourite plush toy.

It's like that with SI, but I'll never grow out of it. If you take it away I can't cope. It's taking my safety away. It's exposing me and making me suffer.

Why bother stopping? I'm useless and can't cope without it. And now I'm trying to make myself consider the psych ward to help me. Who the hell cares anyways? I'll never change. I never change. I'll always be the same old useless Vince.

It hurts. I probably shouldn't have done it but I needed to. I'm sucking on my pacifier, I'm hugging my favourite plush toy, I'm wrapping myself around with that blanket, whenever I take the blade that's what I'm doing. It's all I know.

My family and friends will see me tomorrow the way I look now and ask me if I'm alright.

I'll say I'm fine, it's nothing.

And then I'll go it all over again.

I'm useless. I want to do it again but it's getting late and my girlfriend will wonder what I'm doing. I'm useless. Sorry you wasted your time reading this.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( Griffe ))))))))))))

[bchlyn]

i don't think i wasted my time reading this... and i don't think your useless either... baby's do use pacifiers to self sooth... and when you take it away they do cry... but they learn new ways to cope...that's what your doing now... you just are falling back on old coping skills and you need to learn and develop new ones... i care about you ... stay safe...lyn

[RozG]

Griffe...i'm crap at giving advice so all i can really say is the same as lyn...it wasn't a waste of my time reading this post...and you are NOT useless...you're having a hard time...but please don't be so hard on yourself over it...you DO matter and you ARE worth more than you think. i genuinely do hope these bad times pass for you soon coz you DO deserve to be happy.

be gentle to yourself and hang in there...we DO care!!!

[bipolar_bear]

Please don't be so hard on yourself. We all learn new coping skills as we grow. Sometimes we learn ones that are not the best overall to use. While we are learning new ones sometimes we revert back to the old ones. All part of the growing process. We just have to keep trying and using the new skills until they replace the old. Give yourself some time and just keep trying.

BB

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((((Vince/Griffe))))))))))))))))))))

You are *not* useless.

[Typo]

Griffe you are far from useless. It'll be okay and reading this post is not a waste of time I hope you feel better and rember that everyone here cares!!

[Kiya]

Griffe, what would happen if, when you see your friends, instead of telling them it's fine... tell them you are hurting? that would be a small change. change takes time... and practice... and risk.
you can do it. =)

If I tell hem I'm not fine then they know something is wrong... it exposes me, it makes me look weak. I don't want to look weak, I want to look strong to them.

They asked today and I said it was fine, they didn't even notice what happened to my finger. I almost want them to notice so they know I'm hurting because I can't tell them. I'll always say I'm fine.

So angry at myself. I look terrible and bad now. I'll never get over it at this rate. And it always gets worse.

Griffe
If you tell them something is wrong you are not weak , you are strong for taking self care.
It makes you brave to say you are human
muffy

[Kiya]

Griffe.... I sooooooooo want to be able to tell you "Asking for help is not weak - it is far stronger than staying silent." And something like "We are told by a sick society to 'suck it up and deal', 'be a man', but that's all a load of bs."

...but the thing is, i always say i'm fine too. i can't advocate for you to do something i can't do. i think it would really be good for you and me to be able to ask for help. T asked me tonight "What can I do to support you this week?" I had no idea how to answer her.

Maybe a better question for us both is "what is one small step we can each take in getting help for ourselves?"

hope you are ok.