[Typo]

I want to stop..but I can't...and it makes me mad. I can see the person I want to be but I can't get there..it's like that person is locked deep down inside of me and isn't able to get out. I'm tired of being angry, depressed, anxious, distant, and feeling guilty. I'm tired of my past controlling me I'm tired of this person that isn't really me controlling me. It's like all my hopes..all my dreams are never going to come true because of me..because I can't stand up to myself...all because I keep avoiding all of my memories and all of my pain. I just felt like ranting..I just felt like rambling..I have to go..I have to finish cleaning..

[bchlyn]

maybe your identifying it... and wanting different is the beginning... you know?...take gentle care...lyn

[Christina86]

(((((((((((silversparrow))))))))))))))

I agree with Lyn.

In my experience...
First step is wanting to want to change.
Second is wanting to change.
Third is putting things in place so you *can* change
Fourth is changing...
And fifth... well, I don't know that yet.

You've made some important realizations in this post, you really have - so good job.

How can we help?

[Kiya]

yes - at least you see what you want, and you see what is in your way. that's more than a lot of ppl will ever see. that's a start! the rest just takes time, a LOT of effort, and to not give up, even if you "fall". i believe you can do it.

hugs, kiya

[Typo]

Thank you bchlyn,Christian86, and Kiya. I never realized that by wanting change that it would be helpful. The hard part is changing now..the hardest part is dealing with the past. Christian86 you asked what you could do to help..all of you have helped me more than I ever imagined anyone could..everyone here is so amazing and kind-hearted..just keep up your kind nature. It's nice to have this place..I don't think I could ever tell my friends..I've thought about it I just can't bring myself to do it. I know I don't want my parents to ever know that I still self-injure. It's nice to have some support. I care about all of you so much thank you for being here and supporting me..I'm going to need alot of it here soon because I'm going to try and quite SI tonight..wiether or not I make it know that is the question.

[Kiya]

i haven't told my friends IRL either. i have to see those ppl eye to eye... i don't think i could do it.

Best to you Silver.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Silversparrow))))))))))))))

Some of my IRL friends know about my SIng, but only a few of them. My family doesn't, and never will know.

Glad we could help. Keep on posting, and if you want to chat, you can PM me whenever!

[bchlyn]

my t has me keep a chart and i the beginning i used it to mark my failures... and felt like i was starting all over every time i cut... now i use it to mark my success... my t uses it to track my patterns... and to hold me accountable... and when i am good and journal too... he can compare... i haven't been too good at journaling the past couple months...which is really unusual for me... anyway what i am trying to say is maybe you shouldn't make things cut and dry... i am not saying that i think you should cut... but when i say "i am not going to cut anymore" it kind of sabotages me... does that make sense.

in the past year i haven't cut 351 days... lyn

[Kiya]

"but when i say "i am not going to cut anymore" it kind of sabotages me... does that make sense."

oy - same here. i've since learned not to say it.... and i haven't cut in a while. i've stopped counting days too, for the same reason.

[Typo]

Thanks for the advice..I see what you mean by saying that your not going to cut anymore than it makes it harder to actually accomplish. I didn't cut last night..but all I did really was replace the cutting with alchol.
I guess that counts as self injury though because I was just trying to hurt myself just in another form. But today is a new day and I think I'm going to look at this in a new light..I think your right bchlyn I'm sabatoging myself by making it so cut and dry. So maybe I will set smaller more managable goals..like a certain number of days or something.
Giving hugs to all of you!!

[Kiya]

standing with you =)
thinking of you
hoping you can be safe today!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( Silversparrow ))))))))))))

[Typo]

I'm so excited I made it through last night without cutting or drinking!! I also went to bed before four in the morning!! I decided to set a goal not to self-injure in any form until April 25..I figured that would be good because that's prom and right after prom I would turn around and say okay not until May 16 because that is graduation. I'm so excited I'm starting to think I can actually do this.

[bchlyn]

you can do this... remember look at the successes not the slips...lyn

[bipolar_bear]

You can do this. Two great goals. I will be here along the way. You are doing great.

BB

[Kiya]

Silver, that's awesome! Right behind ya, all the way!

((((((((many hugs!!))))))))))))