to or not too???????

thank you lenny...maybe i will go for real today... i like to write my triggers in the sand and watch them get washed away... i have never thought about bringing anyone to my safe place before... i have a place i go completely by myself... yesterday i had to think about who i would be willing to share it with... it would have to be someone who was completely safe... lyn

(((((((((Lyn))))))))))))) your T won't give up on you. Any way I can help?

Be safe.

yeah - t won't give up... i'll send you SheRa Princess of Power and blast away all those negative messages that tell you those things!

hmmmmm it's amazing the difference sleep makes... i haven't had a good nights sleep in so long... but i slept last night... only woke up 2 times and was able to go back...which hasn't happened in a very long time... but the anxiety and urges are soooooo much better today....yeah!
lyn

Well that IS a plus! I have also been doing better in the anxiety realm - was thinking i could go off the meds... but then something happens (like my boss SCREAMING at someone on the phone for an *hour*) and i recognize ,NO, this is not the time to go off them!!!

I'm behind in everything - will write more when i can!!!

kiya ... i tried to go off my meds last fall... and then life bombed me again and the ptsd symptoms came back twice as hard... when your in the middle of a life change...like a new job your probably right to wait a bit... take gentle care...lyn

yeah point. i have a job interview today in an hour

sometimes i worry that my t will abandon me if i cut... but he keeps telling me he won't... i don't have any reason to really think he will... he has been around 15 years or more... i guess we will find out because i don't think i am going to make it this week without...lyn

Lyn - how are thiings going? My end's been crazy trying to set up a new internet provider.
Been thinking about you!
Kiya

i am ok... went back to work today ... so i was able to get grounded quickly... how are you?...lyn

I'm in there. things arose and the urge was there, but things changed and i dunno how really, i just didn't act on them and life went on. i have been binging on chocolate, chewed all my nails off, and have been biting the insides of my mouth and cheeks... so i guess things just shifted - but those things (in prespective) are not as damaging to my emotional state as cutting is. So I stay "up" more than i would if i cut.
The strange thing is, that I am dissociating at work... and things will go spinning... like the world turns violently upside down for a moment. (stress at work!!!) and i don't know if that is anxiety/panic? I think it is... and i usually want to cut right then, but i can't there. so it passes.

you're being really quiet out there... ???

lol that's what my t said tonight... when he looked at my chart and saw that i had a lot of really hard days... this past week... but didn't cut... he wanted to know why???? i told him i couldn't... because if i had... i didn't know if i could stop... that i had hit that really dark place... i am suppose to call him tomorrow... and he is going to my son's wedding on sunday... so i guess i can't hide...lyn

(((((((((((((((((lyn)))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are struggling so much. You are doing so well by not cutting. I hope you keep in very close contact with him since you are feeling so bad. I am glad you have him to help support you. Know I am here too.

BB

Lyn you know how to get me. I'm here waitingn to help. You can do this. You are much stronger than you believe. Trust me on that. Remembe how you helped me? Well I don't forget a friend. So please contact me if it gets too hard I'm here. Thinkin bout ya
Colleen

I am glad you knew not to start since yu didn't know if you could stop. That takes a lot of hard work.
I'm out here too. Glad t is having you call tomorrow.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

ty

Hmmmmmmmmmmm....
you're getting even more quiet
are you hiding? u were right here a minute ago =(

not leaving you - speak up miss!

i am still here...lol...trying really hard to stay present.. lyn

k...

anything i can do?

you already did it...where did you go?

I'm here - - you ok?
T was asking me about PC here and how it helps me. She asked me specifically about if there is a core group of ppl that I connect with and talked about how it helps my own processing.
So, you and everyone in the SI board were with me in t tonight lol.
! Small room for everyone here

yeah my t asks about it too... you guys help me find the words and voice that really confuse me sometimes... i am kind of in that place now... i can't find the words... other then the urges are there... and i am tired of the struggle... lyn

(((((((( Lyn ))))))))))))
What if... just as an experiment... you don't struggle? What if you can just be? Like meditation. just not choosing between one or the other. But the thoughts and urges come in.... and you know, you see them... and they go out.. can you try it?
I am following Pink's lead in experiments and seeing if i can go without (the all allergic) chocolate to see if that is what is causing my feet to be so darn inflammed. So every time i see the chocolate, or i desperately want the chocolate, i see the thought, acknowledge the thought, and remind myself that I am trying an experiment...
Lyn, sitting with you... breathing with you.....
Kiya

ty... to be honest... i just want to cut...you know?... i know that the urges are like a wave... the build up...crash to the shore and are sucked out for awhile of peace and calm.... i just need to ride the wave...when i cut i disrupt the flow... and in reality i go back to the beginning and never get to the peace of the calm... but when i do it... i can just be numb for awhile...lyn