Scratched (may be triggering)

I feel so ashamed I have been having some bad flashbacks and this morning it got to be too much for me. I discovered one of my nails was sharp and used it to scratch up my arm. It looks as if a cat had scratched me but from elbow to wrist on the inside of my arm. Nothing serious only a few spots where the blood well up. Once again I was amazed at the instant relief. I actually felt good for a few seconds. I was doing so well, why couldn’t I do something else?

I hate that I did this again and I just don’t know how I am gonna tell my DH. After delaying nearly all day, I finally did call my therapist and tell her. That helped some but I feel guilty cos she was home sick. I hate when she gets sick cos then I fret about her too.

This healing process has gone on and on and I am so sick of it all. I don’t want to think about the past I don’t want to feel the past! I nearly puked cos I could feel and taste his penis again. But at least feeling it top and bottom so to speak let me know it was not real.

Sometimes I wish I could cut off and discard the parts of me that they touched but I would look strange with my lower face, my chest and my butt gone. Besides, I would rather not use a bag to poop into. Ok lame humor but at least it is an attempt. I can barely stay focused long enough to write this. Guess I need to pull out the list of insteads to do.

~D~

Dalila,

I wish I knew what to say. Just, I wish you were not so hard on yourself. None of it was your fault. Scratching like that could happen to any of us too. It's ok to have setbacks - this road is not a straight one - it has many curves and twistbacks. I hope that your therapist was able to help. You know, if it wasn't ok for you to call her when you need to, she wouldn't have let you have her number and/or allowed your calls to go through. She must feel that you are worth it.

Sometimes I feel that way. If only I could remove certain parts of me, you know cut out the pain. But what would be left? Not much. I get so angry sometimes. He got away free and clear, I meanwhile continue to abuse myself. I want to say it is stupid but I am trying not to cut myself down like that because it keeps me stuck. I am trying to learn to love and heal what he destroyed in me but it is hard. I want to turn away from that part of me but if I do I can never be whole. So what am I stuck with? Either I face the pain of what happened or I face the pain of only being part of a person. It sucks either way.
Carrie <font color="purple">

Well I let my dh see it today. It doesn't look too bad. I lied to him about it. He asked if it was scratching or cutting, I said it was itchy and I hadn't realized how sharp my nails were. I showed him my short nails and that they were filed blunt so I can't do it again. sigh. At least I can wear short sleeves around him again.

I am mad at myself over it, I didn't get that much relief and the scabs make it look bad like it bleed lots and it was barely a flesh wound. ugh I don't want to do this any more.

~D~