Guilt

I'm all confused..all twisted and turned around.
I want to cut but I don't want to. I want to drink but I don't want to.

It's all their fault..they always have to go and ruin my saftey.
My parents..I love them..but at the same time I can't handle them.
I hate how they scream and fight and throw things.
I hate that most times they drag me and my sister into it.
I was doing good unitl last night..they just had to start.
I actually was weathering the fight pretty well..me and my sister holed up in my room. I was going to be fine until my sister looked at me and asked
"Their not going to drag us into again are they? They usually do."
I burst into tears when she said that..the look on her face..it killed me.
She practically said my thoughts outloud for me..the exact words I've said to myself for so many years.
Why do they have to scream and rage? Why do they suddenly go from two 40 year old adults into three year olds having tantrums?
I hope they never do to her what they did to me..
They make me keep secrets from the other one, the tell me how the other one is horrible and sick and needs help,or how they are just finally going to up and leave. They use me like a chess piece in their own personal chess game.
I hope my mom never smacks my sister in the face for being angry at them for fighting..for dragging me into. I hope she never tells her to shut up and grow a %#@&#! backbone when she is crying and scared because her dad just punced a another hole in the wall and just got in the car and left driving like a bat out of hell. Only to return for round two of the fight.
I hope dad never makes her hide mail from mom so she won't find out that we're broke and so she doesn't know all the finacial trouble we're in. I hope he never asks her to hide the mail because it's easier that way..you don't want her to get angry and start yelling and screaming do you?
I hate how they manipulate me..how they have manipulated me.
I hope my little never sees my mom going beserk and hitting my dad..I hope she never hears how they hope the other one dies in some horrible groteque fashion like they have both told me so many times.

I hate the way I make them sound..I make them out to be such horrible people..I feel so guilty for writing these things..
I'm so guilty..I'm a bad person...I deserve to hurt..

(((((((((Silver)))))))) I can totally relate to this, me and my sister used to hide in the closet in my room to keep from hearing the fights, but we still did, and we were each pulled into the fights and into the deceit of one another against each other. I am so sorry that you are in this situation, it is not fun and it hurts deeply. Please stay safe, I know that you can do this, we both can. We are strong.

:hugs2

Im sorry. That sucks. REALLY REALLY SUCKS . If they ever hurt you or your sister you need to tell someone, Please

Wow,I can completly relate to this post. There's not too much you can do really. Personally what I do is sneak my little brother and I out of the house and I take him over to the store to get something to drink, or something. and when they try to drag you into it, tell them they need to stop acting like children, and take care of their priorities in life. Do NOT let them drag your sister into thid though, that will mess her up. Badly. if they continue this, or ANY violence is going on, I would STRONGLY consider telling some authorative figure, because this could get pretty ugly, and perhaps dangerous. Before you decide not to tell anyone about this, consider that your sister might be in danger too.
Please be safe,
and you are not a ad person. you sound like a wonderful person, who deeply cares about their little sister.

You always have friends here.

(((((((((Silver)))))))))

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I can relate to your situation: the screaming, the fighting, the physical abuse, being dragged into it, and even the guilt.

My mother was a wonderful person and I miss her dearly--the third anniversary of her passing is coming up on the 16th--but like all other humans, she had her flaws. She could at times be cruel, manipulative, and hurtful towards me and my father (though he was and still is a major source of conflict). I feel guilty even typing this, so I definitely know where you're coming from. You don't need to beat yourself up for telling the truth and expressing your feelings. I know how love-hate relationships can be so inredibly deifficult and emotionally taxing, but you have to make sure to love yourself--and your sister.

I am an only child. Drawback: I had to face the hell I faced at home everyday alone. But unlike you, I had nobody to protect except myself. Keep yourself and your sister safe; the hurt that your parents bring on your family is their fault, and their fault alone. You're doing the right thing, and I respect you for it.

With much love and support,



J