[SweetCrusader]

I gave in last night and cut. I feel really stupid about the thing that put me over the edge, too. It was dumb of me to react as strongly as I did. Really, really dumb.

After all the things that I have been coping with and not cutting what put me over the edge...

I sent a poem to my T that I had written to express how much I care about her and what I like about her. I was nervous to send it because, well I am just not so good at being open or vulnerable at all. Anyway, her word program recently disappeared on her home computer because of a computer crash. I had sent the poem as a word attachment Friday night, so she hasn't been able to open it yet and won't be able to until tommorrow when she gets to work. She emailed me and let me know that she wouldn't be able to read it until she goes in to work, too. But yesterday I stupidly forgot that it was Saturday so she wouldn't be going in that day. So when I checked my email and still hadn't heard her response to the poem, I started thinking it was a huge mistake to send it to her and I was probably very stupid to share my feelings, and that she probably didn't like the poem and wants me to go away now, probably because I am too clingy. I felt really bad about that because I'm relying on her a lot lately, and don't know what I would do without her right now. I finally gave in, stopped fighting it all, and just cut.

Isn't that stupid? After all the big things that I have been dealing with and not cutting over, then I throw all that hard work away and cut over THIS? THIS is the straw that breaks the camels back?

I managed to keep it to only two cuts, but they are deeper than I usually do (although not horribly deep). And I want to do more. I keep cleaning it with alcohol preps hoping that the stinging sensation will be enough for me and I can keep myself occupied with these cuts instead of making more. But since I already blew it, and enjoyed it so much, I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it's worth not doing again.

I am sad

Angela

[Fuzzybear]

I don't think you were dumb at all, especially with all the other stuff you've been dealing with on top of this. I know how much "transference" can hurt ((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Sweet - When an sober alcoholic falls off the wagon for one night, the next morning they have two choices. They can throw away all that sobriety, and just keep boozing, or decide they'd rather crawl back up onto the wagon. It's a choice, but NOT an easy one. Typically getting sober takes reaching out to others, calling for help, etc. So does not SI'ing. I hope you are able to stop hon, for your own happiness and safety. Please take care of yourself.

(((SweetC)))

Aunt Emmy

[ktp]

Em has an excellent point.

Just try to put one foot in front of the other, sometimes our steps may falter, but you can always right yourself again, especially at this point. Don't give up. I've had alot of struggles lately and the way that I dealt with it was to go buy a whole bunch of bracelets, they fit tight on my wrist, so I can sorta put it off and "remind" myself that I don't need to. It's all psychological for me. I don't look under them and just let myself believe that I did do it but I didn't. Probably makes no sense.

I wish you luck. I know it's tough but its a long tough road, but well worth traveling .

Much love to you

((((Hugs))))
Kimberly.

[SweetCrusader]

Yeah, I know you are all right. I wish it were as easy as it sounds, though...

Nobody said it was eeeaaasy! I do know that the longer it continues, the harder it will be to stop again. Maybe try some of the skills you've used in the past? Or call people, get out of the apartment, whatever works for you.

Take care.

em

[SweetCrusader]

Thanks for your support, Emmy. And EVERYONE (and special squishies for Kimberly)!!!

(((hugs)))

Sorry I'm such a pain in the derriere (sp?) these days. I will keep working on it and maybe someday soon I'll be me again.

Love you all madly and muchly!!
Angela

[Zenobia]

I find that I am much more likely to go over the deep end and hurt myself over something that has to do with another person's response (or lack of response) to me. I totally understand why you cut. I can deal with a tremendous amount of stress but when it comes to personal relationship stress I fall like a house of cards.
You are in my thoughts,
Carrie<font color="blue">

[SweetCrusader]

Thanks, Carrie. It really means a lot to hear that you can relate.

T and I figured out the issue so that she could (finally) read my poem. Her response was awesome. She thanked me for taking the risk and sending it to her. She was very grateful to me for sharing it with her and she thought it was beautiful. It touched her. So I didn't need to feel stupid at all.

I feel much better about that.

Life isn't easy, but at least this one stressful experience has worked out to be a really positive thing. And that makes a difference in my heart.

Thanks for your friendship, Carrie. I have missed you so much lately!! Git postin' some more, girl! (((hugs)))

Angela

[Zenobia]

I am feeling better. I am actually sneezing and my nose is running. Now you all may be wondering why I would say that is feeling better. I would much rather have a cold and all the sneezing and wheezing as a reason to feel so tired then to just be tired for no obvious reason. It makes me feel less scared. I don't want to have another depressive episode. Last time I became down right psychotic. I was hearing voices. I couldn't...I just couldn't keep the craziness out of my head. And for someone who craves some amount of craziness that is saying something. I don't want to go there again. And I don't want to get back on meds again. Being on the meds was like losing part of my brain. Being able to think quickly and clearly is life to me. I couldn't when I was on meds. It was like playing Everquest when there was a ton of lag. No fun at all. So I have been scared. Watching, waiting, wonderng if this is the slide down the slippery slope.
Anyway, Enough about me. I seem to be getting better. I finished my curtains for my bedroom. After 4 years of having sheets stapled to my windows now I have actual curtains. Of course the sheets matched the paint on the walls perfectly and didn't look that bad until one of them ripped last spring but...they were sheets.
Carrie<font color="blue">

[SweetCrusader]

Whoo-hoo, real curtains! Nice! I am jealous. I bought curtains, but when I moved into this new dorm I couldn't use them. Why, you ask? Well thanks for asking, and I will tell you. I have CINDER BLOCK WALLS! My WORST nightmare. Oh I do hate them. I'm one of those people that loves to cover the walls with decorations, but I can't get anything to stick to these walls! GRRRRRR

Anyway, it is good to hear how you're doing. I sure hope you don't have a major depressive episode. They are NO fun.

(((((hugs))))

[Zenobia]

There are curtain rods that are spring loaded that can go in between the window jams. I would guess you could get them at K-mart. Have you tried the sticky putty stuff that looks kinda like playdoh to stick pictures on the walls? That stuff sticks to practically anything. It can be hard to get off at the end of the year though. You will have to get goo gone to get it off the cinderblocks. You can get both the sticky stuff and the goo gone at Fred Meyers.
Good luck!

[SweetCrusader]

Yeah I tried the putty stuff. It didn't work! I couldn't believe it, but it's true. So now I onley have things hanging on my closet doors. Thankfully, they are big doors. Still sad, though.

I thought about gettting spring-loaded rod, but I don't have the money to buy one right now. Plus, I am BUMMED because the rod I already have is SO cool looking, and it was expense! But I guess, what can ya do?

[NicoleB]

((((((((((((((Angela))))))))))))))))))))
sorry i took so long to reply. It is not stupid. I totally understand. I can take just about anything without cutting, exept personal realtionships. Peoples responses to me and mine to them get me everytime.
Niocle

[Rapunzel]

(((((((Angela))))))))

Having to wait for a response about something that you were uncomfortable about sharing in the first place is so hard! Especially when you have already convinced yourself that you are demanding too much of that person. It's not stupid at all.

Love,
Wendy

[SweetCrusader]

I need some advice. Bandaids really irritate the skin on my arm badly, and they take skin off with them when I pull them off. I was just wondering if anyone has some advice on how to take them off in a less painful way. I wondered if peeling a little at a time and putting rubbing alcohol under the sticky part with a q-tip as I go along would help? Do you think? Any other ideas?

I thought about not wearing them at all, but the nature of the cuts would make that a bad idea. And also, if I have them there to look at, I won't be able to stop thinking about them and I'll do more. So I have to have the bandaids.

[NicoleB]

I know for me personally, if I take them off when they are wet they don't irrate the skin as badly or take skin off with them. Hope this helps
niocle

[SweetCrusader]

Ok I showered with it and then took it off- worked very well. My skin is still irritated, but that wasn't anywhere near as bad.

Thanks Nicole!
Angela

[dalila]

Can you try the fabric bandaids? I find they are easier on my skin.

[Zenobia]

I noticed that when I take a shower the marks left by bandaids can keep coming back as many as three or four days after I took them off. I don't know why the hot shower brings the marks back out. It is weird.
Carrie

[NicoleB]

Angela,
Glad it worked for you. Hope you don't have the same problem as Carrie. I never paid any attention to if the marks came back or not. I will have to check next time.
Nicole