Carrie

{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}

I am sorry that you hurt so much. You were right before though - there is light inside you, but sometimes dark gets in too. The darkness isn't you though. But the thing is, cutting doesn't get rid of the darkness. Darkness is empty. The only way to get rid of emptiness is to fill it with something. Sometimes cutting feels like it does that, but it is an illusion. What you need to fill that space with is more light; more of the real you, who is light and good. And there is plenty of light in you if you can find it and let it expand and grow. It's just compressed by the darkness, and obscured so that it is hard for you to see it. Find the light. (since I'm into Dinotopian rules)

Thanks Wendy. I have calmed down substantially. I called my therapist and left a message. Doing that helped me put the craziness on the shelf for a little while. It was frightening though. I went in for my blood tests feeling fine but something about watching those tubes fill up dislocated something in my brain. I wanted...well what I wanted is to graphic to talk about here. Sigh.
Carrie

((((((Carrie)))))))

I hope I'm not getting to much into religion by sharing this. Interpret it in light of your own beliefs, because I am sharing it for YOU. And if it's not appropriate, you can get rid of it I like to think of it as if my higher power (or a loving mother works, too) is signing to me....

You Can Relax Now (by Susan McCullen)

You can relax now
Come on and open your eyes
Breathe deeply now
I am with you
Oh, my sweet, sweet child
Who do you think you are?
You are the child of God
And that will never change.
You had a dream
You misunderstood
You thought we were separate
But now you hear my voice and
You can relax
Come on and open your eyes
Breathe deeply now
I am with you
You are the love of my life
You are my one creation
You are eternity
AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE.

Carrie, it's true. You are wonderful, and THAT will never change because it's ingrained in who you are- it IS who you are. Light cannot be separated from your being at all because light IS your being and your being IS light. It is not conditional. It doesn't change when you are feeling dark. It is forever, and it is you. ALWAYS.

I love ya lots, Carrie. I hope you can find some peace.


Angela

(PS- check your pms)

Thanks Angela. I am downloading the file now that you left in the pm. The poem was appropiate. I am "all faith" so I do as you said and interperate it as I feel moved.

My therapist call me back with some rather unsettling news. She even told me she would understand if I told her to F off and slam down the phone. What she said was that as I get better I grow less tolerant of emotional pain. This means that I become upset over much smaller things. So though it feels like I have made no progress I actually have made emense progress because I will not tolerate more and more pain to be piled on top of me without my doing something about it. Unfortunately I will feel just as...um put an expletive here...as I have been for awhile but eventually things will be ok. But she reminded me that "life is suffering." ARGH! I hate that Buddhist truth.

As far as my desire to self injure today after the blood draw she reassured me that self injury for me is an old habit that is hard to let go of even though now I am no longer in a hopeless situation because I am able to find other ways to make myself feel better, such as actually call and talk to her. Blood is a private thing for me, something that I used to soothe myself and when someone else took that from me it irked me. I think that is pretty close to the mark.

It was weird talking to her for so long on the phone. She said it was ok though. She said I should call her again if I needed too. She said I didn't bother her.

Anyway, I am feeling better. I even got some house work done.

I am going to go now.
Thanks again.
Carrie

((((((((((((((((((((Carrie))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

(((((((Carrie))))))))

I hope things are even better for you today!

Sending good soothing thoughts your way,
Kimberly.