finding out why

I've figured it out....probably very obvious to everyone else here but that's me, always a mile behind everyone else.
I self harm for control. Not to control other people but to control something else...i don't know what. I've been doing really great recently, not been self harming at all but more than that, i've not had any urges to SH. But the other day i had to go to the post office and (in short) the woman behind the counter had to tell me some basic stuff (e.g. the difference between recorded and special delivery)...this made me feel dumb. During this time i get a call from my dad telling me the drs had called whilst trying to get him to provide me with another number of someone else - all on pretty much no credit. All of this is pretty mundane i know, but for me i felt so dumb and started spinning out of control. I ended up buying other stuff i didn't need and forgot the stuff i did need to get. Yes, i know this is all very boring.....and i doubt other people freak from having to post a letter!
Plus that night i got a call from my friend inviting me to a wedding tomorrow - it is late notice because i haven't been picking up the phone through fear of talking to her (no reason for this, i just sometimes cannot find the mentality to talk). I can't wait to go to but at the same time i feel i'm losing more control because it is spontaneous and requires finding out train and bus times. Plus i now have the fear of talking (it happens every so often) so now i'm really scared that my mind and body may go into detached mode and i'll spend the entire time trying to be 'in' the situation but actually having to take breathers in the toilet.

I know all of this is pretty lame to SH over but my body seems to go into stress mode and try and claim back some control. I hope i do not sound too wierd when i say this but sometimes having a bandaged up cut that i can hold on to helps me feel together when i'm out there in the world. I pray that underneath all that is not my need to have a secret...but i don't think it is. I don't hide my SH scars, but then again i've not added to them for awhile....

Stay strong everyone, thinking of you all. Sorry i'm not around much...my fear of talking and making any kind of imprint seems to have set in with this site....but you should see me with facebook - i have a panic attack when i see the address! wierd....

ps - sorry this is such a dumb post...probably shouldn't have written it.

Big hugs to you.

It's not dumb at all. What you described is something I go through a lot. What seems like a minor annoyance to "normal" people (if there really are any of those) can set off those of us with mental health issues in nothing flat. Happens to me quite a lot. And then the one thing kicks off another, and another, and you keep spiraling.....ah yes, I know it well.

I think people SI for different reasons. Control certainly is one. Perhaps there's the thought that if you hurt yourself, you can keep others from doing it to you. For myself, I tend to do it when I get angry at myself for not meeting my own expectations. Oftentimes too it is to have a physical manifestation of the emotional hurt.

It's OK to avoid people for now, I think. I'm in the middle of that myself right now. And while you'll hear a lot of advice to go out! do something! get outside of yourself!, it is damn hard, when you feel like this, and a little indulgence of it isn't a bad thing. If it goes on for months, then you probably should address it with a therapist.

Dunno if any of my ramblings helped, just wanted you to know you aren't alone and you aren't dumb.

What a great post. I am proud of you for trying to process this. This kind of post can help other people. How are u today? DId u go to the wedding? Post when ever you feel safe enough ok? Good job by the way. Alot of thinking and processing.

((((Abby))))

Your not dumb... and everything in that post makes sense, I can really realte to it! Take care

babyg xXx

((((Abby))))

I can relate to that and it is far from dumb.
Let us all know how you are doing okay hun?


Silver

(((((((((((((( Abby ))))))))))))))


(((((((((((( Candy )))))))))))))))

Thank you everyone for replying - it really means so much to me for you to all make an effort to reply to my little post. I'm sorry that i'm so bad by taking so long to get back here...i want to get the words just right but i realise now that will never happen so i'm just taking the plunge so please forgive the delay!

Candy - i do it too when i get angry for not meeting my own expectations - it is good to hear from someone that really hits the nail on the head! Thankyou!!

The wedding was actually really lovely, it was interesting for one reason and another. It has been a rather hectic week with 2 birthdays and 2 graduations in our family so i have been holding on rather tightly, but i've made it through without too much damage

thank you for all your kind words, it is really appreciated. Sending you all lots of loving hugs.