[Rapunzel]

Confusing feelings. I almost feel like doing some cutting just so that I could post that I did, even though I don't quite feel like cutting right now (haven't done it for 1 week). Weird. I should be happy, especially after getting that job that I originally wanted that someone else got. It's cool, but I just don't have the enthusiasm I ought to. My T labeled that kind of thing "refusal to engage with positive emotions." I don't like the word refusal in there. I'd like to be able to engage, but I just don't know how.

[wisewoman]

Hi Rap, I see your pain, you don't need to cut. You are unable to engage, depression? Time for a med change? Good luxk and great no cutting

[armatage]

I get the feeling sometimes. Like I want to cut just to show people. I think it's a cry for help. At least that's what it probly is for me. It's good you didn't though. Keep it up and resist the urge!

[SweetCrusader]

Wendy,

It sounds to me like maybe you are back in the loop of invalidating yourself. What do you think? Maybe you are feeling like you need some attention and validation right now, partly because you are not acknowledging the reality of your pain. ??

As for your T's statement about "refusal to engage with positive emotions"-- you can guess right now what my advice about that is
TALK TO HER!!!!!

Anyway, I have an INSANELY busy day today and tommorrow, so it's kinda hard to find a chance to connect with you. I will get to your email as soon as I can, too. But I just wanted to acknowledge your post and acknowledge that you do have pain and you do have a right to it, and that doesn't mean you can't also enjoy moments of relief!!! You don't have to cut to get love from us, either. This post was enough for that.

(((((((big HUGE hugs)))))))

Love,
Angela

[ktp]

(((((((((Wendy))))))))))

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I know you're going through alot of pain right now. Perhaps WW has an idea. Meds change?

I couldn't make heads or tails of Angela's post :P She already SOUNDS like a psychologist. LOL...JK (((ANGELA)))

No, really she does have an excellent point. You don't need to cut to post. You have every right to feel what you're feeling right now. And you are oh, so special, especially to me because you've always been so kind and caring. So, just try to keep yourself safe and don't beat yourself up for your lack of enthusiasm. It'll come, if it's warranted.

Wishing you many blessings,
Kimberly.

[SweetCrusader]

Kimberly, you silly goose!

I just happen to know Wendy pretty darn well, considering she's pretty much my best friend! So some of my comments are coming from past conversations.

We know eachother in 3d. She introduced me to psychcentral. And we share a therapist now, too! So my comments are kinda based on knowledge beyond this post

(((((Kimberly))))) *sigh* what am I gonna do with you? Hmmm... I know...

*SUPER TIGHT EXTRA SPECIAL KIMBERLY-ONLY BRAND SUPER SQUISHIES!!!*

Angela

[dalila]

Because I was rejecting any feelings of anger, I found all my emotions were damped. As I have allowed myself freer range of emotions I am finding that i am more reactive to things both negative and positive. I have found that for me cutting is a way to feel or sometimes to not feel. As we work towards healing we have to be able to accept ourselves and where we are in the process. Perhaps you are just not ready to be that happy yet?

Good job on posting instead of cutting.

[Fuzzybear]

Great job posting instead of cutting! ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

[ktp]

Oh garsh! Angela....you know my achilles heel....those super squishies! LOL....

You already told me you knew Wendy in 3D...=P so nener nener!

((((((((((((((((super tight squishies)))))))))))))))))))))))) right back at ya babe!

[SweetCrusader]

LOL!! Well you said you couldn't make heads or tails from my post or something, so I was just explaning why that might be lol

[ktp]

lol....yeah I understand that now...I just thought you sounded like a psychologist. LOL. Hey, when you get your degree, would you be my therapist? LOL.....oh that would be the best of both worlds....ahhhhhh phone counseling from such a beautiful person....

and besides you know alot about me already and it hasn't scared you off yet! LMAO...

****super tight MEGA BIG Angela-only brand squishies****

[kax25]

(((((HUGS)))) only if you want them.
Thats great that you posted and resisted the urge of cutting. I hope this feeling of confusion goes away soon.
Max

[SweetCrusader]

I saw we all grab Wendy in a super huge group squishie in which we can squish her guts right out of her until she admits that she's completely loveable without question. Whaddaya say???

[ktp]

AGREED! I'm ready...you ready????

[Fuzzybear]

Good idea, I'm ready!!!!

[SweetCrusader]

Alright on the count of three... ONE, TWO, THREE....

Wendy, you are officially being squished by myself, Kimberly, and Fuzzy.

Do you admit that you are completely loveable?

[Rapunzel]

completely?

Thanks for the hugs, all of you. I needed that.

[SweetCrusader]

I think we need to squeeze a bit tighter...

[Rapunzel]

I'm not particularly noticing that I am feeling pain or anything in particular. I feel stupid for needing this attention and for being a brat and everything. I could just post something all happy and tell everyone thanks, like I ought to do. I'll be fine, really.

I don't even need to cut, or care about it at all. All the track marks from sticking sewing pins in the back of my hand are gone, and I haven't thought much of even doing that in a while. Oh hey, I just identified a feeling! I'm scared. When I stop hurting myself in small ways, things start building up and eventually I might totally lose it. I'm scared about that. And I'm scared because I told my T that part of me likes it when I get really bad, so depressed that I'm ready to give up - there is a thrill in feelings that deep and intense. I haven't been down that road for a year now. She said that was serious and very dangerous (that part of me likes that and identifies with self-destruction, like that's the only way that I really live). It scares me.

As far as meds, all I've ever been on is St. John's Wort. And light therapy. Winter gets a little more intense, but if I behave myself and take the right amount I'm ok. But I don't always take it, and sometimes I take too much, and I don't sleep because I don't feel like it (even though I can sleep now - haven't had much insomnia since starting SJW a year and a half ago), and I only get up early enough for light therapy maybe once or twice a week when I need it every day, but if I do it too late, I'll stay up later, and just make it worse.

Angela, I did talk to her about the "refusal" thing, but it's just one of many things I wrote about and she just chooses a couple of themes to address. That one isn't going to register on the priority list. And she's not going to reply until Sunday anyway.

Everyone, thank-you for your responses and support and hugs and everything! It means a lot to me, and I needed it. I'm sorry that I'm a stinker.

((((((hugs for all))))))))
Wendy

[ktp]

Don't apologize you stinker !

I think you were the one who told me that it's okay to feel sad sometimes and that sometimes you just gotta feel it. Maybe you just need to feel this right and definitely not pretend that all is fine and dandy when it's not. What kinda friends would we be if we expected that from you????

You just take care of yourself...that's what's important. And keep talking. Trust me, I'm being a stinker too, so I can completely relate.

much love and blessings sent your way dear,
Kimberly.

[SweetCrusader]

Well I think the three of us could very easily start a stinker club! lol!

You know I'm a stinker, too, Wendy!

And you don't need a REASON for wanting love. If you want love and attention, that's reason enough for you to get it!!!

Angela

[ktp]

AGREED with Everything!!!!!!

I just forgot that I left you in suspense last night Angela

***super tight squishies*** I'm so sorry!!!I'm fixing to post about it, stinker club sounds like a heckuva idea!

Much love all!

[SweetCrusader]

Hey I forgot about that, too, I've had such a huge day. But I'll be watching. Mine eyes are peeled now, there is no turning back. No hiding (except for when I go to take my test in my abuse & neglect class soon and then go home and read the rebukings/questions of my T, who will probably be emailing to tell me to confront things...and THEN pass out from exhaustion... I need sleep *sigh*)

Oh, but there was a point to that... I was getting there. I think the point was that I'll be watching for your post.

Or was it...

******MORE GROUP SQUISHIES*********

Wendy, can you at least admit that you're kinda cool? My arms are getting sore. I'll settle for any positive thing you can say about yourself for today. (But I'll be working on you later!!)

lol

Angela

[Rapunzel]

If we could all take our own advice we wouldn't be doing too bad, now, would we? Yeah, that's one of the hardest things though. My T points out how competent I can be as a student and sometimes at work, and asks what happens the rest of the time. Hmm. I can take care of other people much better than I do with myself. Need a little bit of distance in order to see it clearly or something?

Angela, you can put your arms down. Will that do?

Thanks so much all of you.

[ktp]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I can take care of other people much better than I do with myself.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I can relate to that. I think the comment about putting the arms down is a start. I truly know how you feel. Been there, not that long ago in fact and I know sometimes as we've all discussed before, you just need to feel it

And I think you're being sneaky.....(((((Wendy))))) using my words against me...perhaps you're speaking of the other day when I said I wish my husband would just let me feel sad and that everyone would quit trying to cheer me up! LMAO.

I truly do hope you start feeling better. You deserve so much !

Much love and many blessings dear friend,
Kimberly.