.

I am THAT close to the %#@&#! edge right now.

I cant stand myself tonight, trying to do things right for me and I just wreck everyone elses world around me. Give me one good reason why I shouldnt just give in.

If anyone can take the time to talk to me I could really do with it right now

Im here....I think we share the same edge these days.

We can do this together. Just take a deep breath. Trust me I know what its like to be at the breaking point. I think we share that point as well tonite.

Please take gentle care. we dont need to hurt any more.

least thats what I keep telling myself right now. Ive been hurt enough. Ive been blamed for my husbands 15 years of unhappiness.

Please hang with me ok?

colleen

I may not need to hurt but I do hurt and its all my fault.

Im takin a few days out from my life so I can be on my own and decide what to do with myself. I seriously dont think Im going to like whats going to become of this

Keep on keepin on . You can do this. You are better than you give yourself credit for.

Im here for ya, I am in that EXACT same spot. I know how you feel. im about 30 minutes away from taking a mood stabilizer and crawling into bed because i feel so crappy.

You can do what you want to be happy - at this point i think almost screw those who feel we %#@&#! up. we didnt, its not our fault.

you have pulled me from a funk in the past. stick with me here.

colleen

btw, keep repeating this.

IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT ANYBODY ELSE IS UNHAPPY.

Okay. I think its just because i cant see straight. But honestly speaking here, I just seem to ruin things for people. The way I am, the way my mind thinks, the way Im so completely powerless over my emotions, they way they just take over me and control my actions.

Im just fed up of being me x x

I think we all get to the stage of being fed up with being "us"

I know how you feel. I dont like me right now. Heck i dont know if I have EVER loved me. I try to. then it seems like when somebody else gets upset because of me, i take it personally. as if I caused the dismay. and sometimes i actually may HAVE caused the issue, but I cant take it personally always. (but you know us.....we do right?)

I hear you on the emotional aspect. I cant control one iota of my emotions. as of today i am a trainwreck. we have to keep trying. there WILL be good days. we just need to keep it together enough to be able to enjoy one. we deserve no less right?

One day, one moment, one second. One time to smile genuinly and love deeply. I know you dont know me well but we are all family or friends here. I consider this site my safehaven. here we are safe and in control

Deep breaths.....any better?

Colleen

Wanna talk about feeling loved? I just went into live chat and they left......

guess I deserve that. huh?

yeah, feel a bit better, because u reminded me of how this is also my safehaven and I feel secure on here. You seem so strong right now, Tell me, how do u stay positive when you are feeling like this? I find it so hard. It like everytime I feel hurt its like its the end of the world for me x x

Trust me, i have to work very hard to try to stay positive. self preservation. whatever it takes at this point. honestly i dont feel so strong although everybody tells me lately that I am strong. after 15 years of marriage, my husband wanted to call it quits because I am bipolar and he cant hande me. he told me i abused him for years. then he decided he wanted to make it work. Now I am dealing with abuse from him and he thinks that this is ok. I am beginning to wonder if he ever truly loved me or if I loved him. Its been a hard couple of months. contemplating my demise on some days and grateful for a breath the next.

I do what I have to. even if it compromises my relationship at this point. I have to keep it all about me right now. It really sucks to be a prisoner of your own mind. Its like the life sentence without the life in it.

I just thank god for these forums, my supportive mother. (who is not really my mother, but Ive adopted her) by far the one and only reason i am as strong as I appear. Dont judge a book by its cover. I am just glad to be of help to you.

keep on keepin on. do what feels good. Now if we only had the key to open that prison door. we would all be happier.
Hope this helps if only a bit.
Colleen

i gotta go lay down. I am on 200 mgs of seroquel and 2mgs of xanax and my pills are kicking in. time for me to pull the covers over my head and call it a night. Feel free to email me as i have a blackberry and my email goes directly to my cell.

I hope you can make it through tonite unscaved. we all deserve one good day. Im hoping tomorrow will be a good one. remember: tomorrow always has the potential to be better than today.

take gentle care. will check in later.

C

I will keep you in my prayers-Angel

Angel, I dont know you very well either. but wante dyou to know ive read some of your posts and you are a valuable asset to these forums.

hoping you are doing well tonite.

colleen

Thankyou Colleen. You dont know how much it means for me for you to take your time to listen to me rant and reply

I hope tomorrow is a better day. But I have so much mess to clean up from today. Who knows what will happen.

I still want to keep my 11 week streak of not SI'ing. I know I nearly went tonight, but 11 week is the best Ive ever done. I cant give it up now. Im not in the frame of mind yet where I can honestly say to myself 'Im not going to SI because I dont deserve to be hurt etc etc'. Im not doing it because i cant really think straight, and I know that if I give in now, i will risk alot of important things. but its a start.

thanks for listening, Im feeling a bit calmer now

babyg xXx

how are you doing now???? ... maybe we can step away from that edge together... you know..... you aren't responsible for the way others respond... take gentle care...lyn

Hey how are you today? better i hope????

today was a %#@&#! day for me - just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.

colleen

Im alot better thanks guys

(((((guys))))) - lol

I've had a think about things. Ive had a think about the way I blame myself for things - Ive got to undersstand that its okay to get angry/upset sometimes, and there is no reason to blame myself for it. It is what it is.

As for the self injury, It's almost been 3 months now (3 months!! and a few month ago I was struggling at a week!!), and Im starting to realise that harming myself is not the answer - its not going to make things better and there is no reason to punish myself for things.

I have a recovery bracelet coming soon and in a few days I can wear it with pride. Ive worked hard for that bracelet, and I dodnt want to ruin things by doing it the other night.

Hopefully it will stay that way for a while at least.

Things just got too built up the other night, it was just too much for me. but thanks to those who talked to me and listened to me rant, it really helped. Your all my saviours and I love you lots!

@ Colleen - Im sorry to hear you are having a rough time right now, are you okay??

babyg - xXx

I will be ok. just checking in on you is all. I kinda fell out early last night. the seroquel does it for me.

I was just out exercising and i feel a bit clearer in my mind. im about to chill for the evening.

Glad to hear you are doing better. Keep it up!

Colleen