[Rapunzel]

i can't see why it would matter

somebody left a box of scissors and knives and all sorts of good stuff in my office last week

only reason i didn't use it was i was monitoring a client throwing fits in the hall

had already scratched with my fingernails before finding the box of stuff, and was thinking i ought to keep something sharp in my purse so it would be handy

[Fuzzybear]

I'm asking myself the same question

I've been hated so much (and dare I say it I dont deserve so much hate ) I can't care about me

Maybe I can care about you and you care about me?

but then I have the easier job.

[Rapunzel]

no, i think i would have the easier job, but the hard part is being able to feel cared about. it's not hard to care about someone you already care about, but accepting someone caring about you, when you feel useless and thrown away, and not just by one person or in one area of life, and you hate yourself, and there is no place safe, is much harder

[lenjan]

Well, I love you both, and neither of you deserve to hurt. So there.

That said, it's tough to overcome the urges when you really don't feel like doing so. If you come up with a solution for that one, let me know -- I certainly haven't found it yet.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Hugs-Angel

[bipolar_bear]

I care about all of you. And not one of you deserves the pain. I am sorry that you are feeling so much hurt. It is very hard to accept support when there has been abuse. Please try and refrain from hurting yourselves.

BB

[Rapunzel]

The image that is stuck in my head of what I want to do is very graphic and extreme and can't be posted. I really want to do it. And I've been fighting an urge to write T and tell her I don't care about not cutting, and ask if it really matters, but if I do that then that will automatically be the topic for the next session, and I don't know that I want it to be.

There is too much rejection right now, and nothing seems to be able to really counter it.

[bchlyn]

i care and understand... wish you weren't struggling so hard... right now i feel like a rebellious teenager backed against a wall... having a tantrum... .lyn

[Lenny]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rapunzel said:
only reason i didn't use it was i was monitoring a client throwing fits in the hall


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Fill your life with such reasons Rapunzel.

These reasons are what makes heros from slaves...

With care,

Lenny

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((Rapunzel))))))))))))))))
Sending hugs your way - and to everyone struggling... wonder why everyone seems to have a hard time at the *same* time... maybe so we all totally understand what the other is going thru and can bring ourselves out of our miserable lil hole to care about someone else.

kiya

[bchlyn]

(((((((((((rapunzel))))))))))))
lenny is right when we focus on others it helps put us back on track... you are a hero... take gentle care...lyn

[Rapunzel]

Thanks for saying that. I do seem to do better when I focus on someone else. At least for a while. Playing the violin helped too. But I'm dreading having to go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to be there.

[Rapunzel]

(((((( Kiya )))))))

((((((((((((((( Everyone )))))))))))))))))))

I feel bad that I don't keep up with this forum like I used to. Until just a few months ago, I used to read every single post here. Now I can't keep up anymore, and I don't even come to the SI forum that much. I'm not sure if I'm trying to avoid triggers (which I never did before - I didn't care about getting triggered), or what. But please know that I still do understand and wish all pf you peace, safety, and happiness.

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((Rapunzel))))))))))))))))))
Take care of you - you're important to me.

[Rapunzel]

((((((((( Kiya ))))))))))))

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Rap)))))))))))))))))))) Please take care of you.

BB

[Rapunzel]

I guess T doesn't really care if I do it or not. She said whether I'm not doing it anymore, or not telling her, either way works for her. Hmm.

I rather do wish that she would ask about that. But it's not the most important thing, and I wouldn't want to spend a lot of time on it.

Last week was a little better, and all I did when I was really wanting to cut and found the box of sharps in my office (it's still there btw) was scratch with fingernails, and then bend a paperclip out of shape and try with that. The bent out of shape paperclip is still on my desk. We'll see what this week brings.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((((((Rap)))))))))))))))) Please don't. I'm sorry your T doesn't seem to care... but we all do here. Do yourself a favour and try to throw out the paperclip. I know how hard that is, but I know you can do it. And as for the box of sharps... get rid of it, somehow. I know you can hang in there. You're so entirely worth it. Love you no matter what, take care of yourself.

[bchlyn]

thinking about you (((rap))) hope you have a better week...lyn

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Rap))))))))))))))))))))))))) I care if you hurt yourself. Please try and get rid of the sharps and the paperclip. I hope you find other ways to cope this week. Please try and stay safe.

BB

[Kiya]

Rap - t's can be so weird about SI. I don't understand it. It seems like such a simple thing to be able to show some caring or compassion or *something*!
((((((((((((((Rapunzel))))))))))))))))))
Hoping you are safe.
Kiya

[bchlyn]

before he knew the motivation behind my si... my t was very careful how he approached it... now he goes head on... maybe that's what your t is doing.

he knows i don't do it for attention now... and really attention is very uncomfortable... so now he hits it head on... take gentle care and stay safe...Lyn

[Rapunzel]

Last time it came up she wanted me to work on finding other ways to cope. I'm supposed to be able to do that now. But sometimes it's just hard to care. You know the saying? old enough to know better, still too young to care

I didn't stay at work very long today and was busy when I was there. One day at a time. If I can stay focused on what I'm doing I'm ok.

[bchlyn]

you know i went for about 14 years without cutting... it's funny (not really) how when we revisit issues those urges come back... i think sometimes that part of healing... revisiting areas at different times in our lives... so they can be cleaned and healed... i just wish it was faster... take gentle care...lyn