[vetttech]

After 5 years of being cut-free, I finally let it get the best of me. Carved my arm up like a Thanksgiving turkey and wound up on suicide watch at the hospital for 4 long days. They wanted to admit me to the psych hosp for long term treatment, but I gave them the right answers to get out of it. I must admit; I feel strangely relieved now that it is out of my system.

[ktp]

Oh dear.

****safe hugs**** if you want them. I can understand going a really long time and it getting the best of you. I did the same thing just recently but I've made my peace with it. Just hope it gets easier, ya know. Sorry to hear they had you on suicide watch. Most of the time people don't understand that it's not about suicide, it's about validation or other personal reasons. Ofcourse, this is assuming that you were NOT suicidal. The most important thing is to keep yourself safe, no matter the cost. I know about the relief, but it's short-term really. I can't wait to get to the point when it's just not worth it anymore.

Take Care of yourself
Above all, stay safe.

Sending positive thoughts your way,
Kimberly.

[vetttech]

Thank you both for the support. Just to clarify, I was NOT suicidal. I'm still trying to dodge lingering thoughts, but so far I've managed ok. I think because of my combined Borderline Personality Disorder/Major Depression (I'm an all or nothing, black or white kind of person), it's making it harder to resist the temptation. Using drugs and alcohol at one point, I had finally accrued 6 yrs 2 mos clean and sober. I threw it all away at 22 to try and drink normally and I relate it to cutting...I already messed up, so why not go all out? The only thing that is saving me from cutting is my mother and the threat of more hospitalization...

Big sigh...have to stay strong and go one day at a time,I guess.

[Zenobia]

We all make mistakes but we can always try again. Did I understand you correctly? You were sober for 6 years then you started trying to drink "normally" then you started to cut again? Do you think the alcohol and the cutting are related?
Carrie

[vetttech]

Hi Carrie,

You understood correctly. I drink safely most of the time...maybe I'm in denial again. I don't think they're related, but I can relate some of my feelings to SI. Does that make any sense?

[HALLIEBETH87]

how did they find out u were borderline?

[vetttech]

I was 15 when I was first diagnosed, I'm 25 now. I guess my behaviors/impulses correlated with the guideline they use for dx borderline. I gamble, had promiscuis sex, drive dangerously, did drugs at one point, cut myself, spend money freely...all indicators of a BPD.

[SweetCrusader]

Besides that, in the mental health system, if you're a cutter, you're almost guaranteed to be labeled as borderline.

[vetttech]

Actually, I was borderline 2 years before I started cutting...