(Triggering) who am i

I just laid there in my bed late last night just crying and talking to myself in a soft voice - asking myself why do i even try anymore, i got up and went to the bathroom where i sat on the floor almost in a balled up position and took the blade and cut, i cut and kept cutting till it bled and then i got up and walked back to my bed and bawled my eyes out - relief yeah for a bit but then back to the depressed state- feeling like im not worth anything, no friends no family no nothing- the room spinning with all my emotions- im on a roller coaster and there is no way off- i want to call my therapist and scream and cry and tell him he needs to help me- but will he listen to my cries- i just want him to help me get past my SIing and not just tell me to stop- im a cutter and i can not just stop just because someone tells me too- i need help but at the same time i do not think im ready to quit - im %#@&#! up in the head and im a %#@&#! bad person and no one cares and i dont even care anymore- im ranting and venting and im sorry to everyone that has ever had to respond to my posts - sorry for messing up everyones lives with my %#@&#!, yea im a mess i just want this to go away i want to live in peace without this pain, its never going to change. i have so much to say i have so many secrets to get out but i cant im scared and im hiding them from everyone and myself- maybe if i hide under the rock it will all go away- maybe if i go away it will go away- i dont know anymore- im tired of it all and i know you are all tired of hearing my crap- anyway this was just a waste of space and im on the verge of a huge breakdown again - i feel it.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( purplebutterfly )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm not tired of hearing you. You need to get out what you need to get out.

Be gentle with you.

Its clear you have alot inside you you just need to get out. These secrets you have, the hurt from these secrets are not going to go away unless you sort them out hun - you cant keep bottl;ing things in like this.

You know u can always pm me if u need to talk. You say yo uhave so much to say and so much to get out - have you told yout T about these??

babyg - x

i have been on the phone with my therapist for the last 45 minutes talking to him- he actually called me, i guess on friday when i saw him he said things didnt seem right with me- so he wanted to make sure i was okay today. whatever....i told him at first i was fine then he gave me this lecture how i need to be honest and upfront- i said you dont want me to be honest and upfront he said why i said cuz you wont like what i have to say- he said go for it- so i started to cry and i told him im hurting bad and im SIing at least once or more a day and that i need to talk about other things than just my SIing in therapy- i told him how i feel useless and worthless and i told him how i just want it all to go away and i told him i quit taking my meds cuz they dont work and im tired of calling the Pdoc to get them altered or changed and that im angry and im depressed and that i can not breathe or relax in my own body and that im about to breakdown mentally- all he said was come see me at 5pm - wtf? wtf? i said what thats it- he said well i need to see you in order to decide if you are going to be admitted to the crisis unit or not. %#@&#! this %#@&#!- why why cant he just listen to me me instead of being all authoritive on me- i said to him that he really didnt care- cuz right now all i need is a friend to talk to and not feel like if i say im depressed that they will say go to the hospital i just really need someone to listen to me for once just once- im hurting here and my t doesnt care other than to tell me im most likely going to the crisis center- i hate him- i just want him to listen- sorry for my venting im just really hurt and upset on top of what i was already feeling- i give up i hate the crisis center

Its obvious he does care hun, he's suggesting the crisis center to you because he is worried about you and he thinks that it may help. Why dont you go and see how it all works out?

babyg xXx

((((((((((((((( purple ))))))))))))))))

(((((earthmama)))))(((((((BabyG))))))))((((((Fuzzybear))))))

Thanks for listening to me rant with my crazy not important issues, i can be such a %#@&#! person that i hate

Hi Purple, you are your own best advocate. There is a way to get better. Take this into your own hands, sort this out, understand yourself, get what you need, say what you need to say. You are the only one who can do this. No one can do this for you and you are SO capable of taking this into your own hands and getting yourself better.

Update: I managed to get my therapist to let me stay out of the crisis unit. so im still around

Hang in there. Ok I care.