Went from okay this morning, to feeling awful, then managed to calm down and back to *&%$ again because you can only distract yourself from urges for so long.

Why bother resisting the urge? I look at these scars and marks and I just want to find my knife and slash them back open. Does it make me twisted that I want to watch myself bleed, I want these cuts to all be open. I can barely look in the mirror without going crazy with urges because I see the reflection of my face and the jagged scars on my neck.

Kate keeps saying go to hospital, go to hospital because of my &%!$ed up eye and because if it weren't for the fact I had her watching me I would have cut my body up. It's too easy to find loopholes when my friends watch me, like tonight and tomorrow.

It doesn't matter. People are so much better off without me. I should have died the last time but instead I'm still in pain, now my eye is disgusting for no reason, and I have to &^%(ing fight off all these urges again.

I need self-injury, I need drugs, I need alcohol, I need all that to cope. I'm a horrible awful person and a waste of everyone's time. I should have been killed a long time ago

[bchlyn]

can you do something physical??? like running on a treadmill walking barefoot... mow the lawn... i know that sounds like a distraction... but it also releases endorphins that help you feel better... i am here if you need to talk...lyn

[SophiaG]

You need to figure out other ways to emotionally cope with life. This cutting buisness isnt working. Nor is the alcohol.

((((((((((((((((((((((( griffe ))))))))))))))))))))))))

I didn't see this last night, or I would have responded then...

I hope you made it through the night without SI, alcohol, etc. I know that for me, if I can just make it through the night, sometimes things look different in the morning. I also know how hard that is...every second feels like an eternity when we're having those urges. BUT YOU ARE WORTH IT, Griffe. So am I. And even if we can't believe that, there are people around us who believe that, and it IS possible that they're right and we're wrong (!).

Please hang in there....I know this feels really really bad....but everything changes eventually.

[Typo]

(((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))

You matter alot to me, to everyone here on PC, and to Kate.
We would all be so sad and hurt if you where gone or dead, we love you very much hun.
Did you make it through the night? Do please go see a doctor about your eye. Griffe you are strong person and I believe in you, if you ever need to talk or just need someone to listen I am here for you and you can pm me anytime okay? Rember to take gentle care of yourself because you deserve to take care of you and you deserve to fell happy and loved.

Sending lots of hugs and peaceful thoughts.

Silver

[x_BabyG_x]

Griffe. Do you have somebody you can talk to about this? Like a T?

Dont say stuff like that you should have been killed a long time ago. Think about Kate. Think about us, how many times you have helped all us aswell.

Think about the future... if you feel that that the pain cant get any worse then you know it will get better in time. Do you not want to live to see that?

Everyone here has given great advice. Because I cant take your pain away, The only advice I can give you right now is to hang on, try your best to be kind to yourself and wait until those better times that are yet to come.

Thinking about you ((((((((((((griffe)))))))))))))))

[bchlyn]

how are you today???... please be safe...lyn

[purplebutterfly]

(((((((Griffe))))))))))
Please be safe, we all here at PC care for you and do not want to see you hurt like this.

Thanks everyone.

No, didn't last without SI, cut my arm pretty bad the night I posted this and now it's infected.

Don't have a T. Told Kate I'd get one but I haven't yet.
I say the pain can't get worse but it seems it always can. I didn't think it could get any worse, now my entire body is killing me. Mental pain, physical pain alike.

Everyone says "go to hospital" but I don't do hospitals, they always keep me there, it's just an infection, just urges, but IDK I feel like such &^%$ today. I feel bad for Kate, she has to sit watching me, but I can't let her come near me because I'm scared I'll infect her. I want to hold her or something

The urges I get to slash my face and this %^&*ed up infected eye are awful, I can't see through the %$#@ing thing, makes me want to hurt bad.

[purplebutterfly]

(((((((((Griffe)))))))))

[breakdown156]

your better than all of this... i know exactly how you feel. i was in such a %#@&#! ditch almost 2 months ago, i thought that i would never get out. drugs, alcohol, cutting everyday, staying out until 5 am, you name it.

but i got out of it. the temptation is always there, and i hate that all i want to do is grab my knife and rip open my skin.

recovery is possible, if i can do it, %#@&#! ANYONE can.
i've found Christianity to really help me.. i was never religious before, but once i stepped into it with a friend, it really did save me.
if you need to talk, i'm always here for you.