here i sit ... alone... ready...scared *poss trig

Good whatever it is! I am a newbie here, but far to much of a companion of si. I am 33 years old and have done it since i was six. (jeeze! what kind of piece of crap am i?) I came to find answers, seek friendship with those who understand, and find ways to avoid what has always been a part of my life.
No one, not even my husband knew what I do, until about a month ago (he still does not know). I was having a bad time and did things almost everday. I told my boss (who by the way is supporting me with getting help). She took me to get some stitches. My GOSH what has happened? I have never gotton that deep! 4X in three weeks. I look like a rag doll sewn together with hatred instead of love.
I am to a breaking point right now, that i see no light. I went to a community clinic where they helped me with meds. Then just last week, they said sorry, you must see this other person before we refill. I crashed hard making it round five. I went to a different hospital so I would not be caught at my 'game'. I am such a pathetic lier! Two months of okness and then SLAM! I was begining to feel 'right' I felt no need to injure. I was seeing a future for myself.
Anyway... here I sit...alone....ready to end it...scared as I was when I was six. Please help me stop the torment! I can no longer hide.

I'm sorry angel. Have you ever talked to a therapist about what is triggering you to SI and about what started it when you were 6?

...i have seen several....i am just.....another worthless case......please delete this wole post.... it wont let me edit my original.....i am sorry...please forget me

Hey... what are you thinking? NO seriously.. Think about what messages are playing in your head. They certainly arent true. You are not worthless.. nor hopeless. Maybe this would be a good time to call your therapist. Sometimes they have insight into your core issues and how to encourage you. I'll be praying for ya

mylivingangel

*safe hugs* if you want them.

You are not worthless. Please hang around and talk to us some more about what you are feeling. Many of us can certainly understand. Self-injury is SOOO hard to quit.

We all cycle like you have described yourself cycling, believe me. Look at the posts around you and you will see that you are not alone. We can understand and care about you.

You're not hopeless. You just need some more help.

*more hugs* if you want them

Angela

no therapist is available.. just forget it .. for now please... i have no idea anymore thank you i accept the hugs for they keep me warm.. i am just here.

(((((mylivingangel)))))

((((my))) I am sorry to hear you are feeling so poorly. How is it no therapist is available to you? You went for stitches...and back? to the community clinic for meds... certainly they have talk therapy help also?

It sounds like other overwhelming stuff is in your life right now, and maybe having someone (else) to talk with can help you get through a little easier?

Welcome to the site, btw, and be sure to come back often... it's a good group of supportive members here.

Mylivingangel,
You have entered into a community that WILL NOT forget you. We band together to help each other get the help we need. We care. You will not be forgotten even if you choose to not come back here becaue you are a part of us. Each of us has felt the pain you are feeling right now. You are in us and we are in you. In other words you are not alone.

If there is no therapist available where you are there are on-line therapy options now that I hear work well. (Can anyone here direct her to the site? I am not sure where it is.)
You are in my thoughts,
carrie

We're all here for you if you need us, *hugs*

I have very very sad news... I was contacted by livingangel's husband, he did indeed know that she SIed and was desperately trying to help her he joined the other support forum that I used to belong to, she came here looking for vulnerome and ended up finding me. I did not know it was her untill I recived an email this afternoon. She has committed suicide and is no longer with us. How sad I am to bring this news.

What what what? Oh no oh no oh %#@&#! - I never even realised she was a member here. Why was she looking for me? Oh God, if only I'd known. Carye, I hope you are in peace now, I hope you are free from pain, I hope you are ok.

is this real? i cant help but to wonder if i was too light-hearted in responding to her. Im so sorry to everyone who knew her!!!!!

Sadly it is true. I just wish I had seen this thread before it was too late. Not that I would have known it was Carye, but maybe if I had replied she would have revealed herself to be Carye and maybe maybe maybe....

*cries*

<font color="green"> [b]I am going to say something that may not be popular but I feel needs to be said. No one here is responsible for Carye's choice. Just about everyone here would have done anything they could to help her. However she made a selffish choice. Now her husband is in pain; her friends are in pain and she can never do anything to comfort any of them. Don't sit around blaming yourself because you couldn't read her mind- her own husband couldn't as evidenced by her successful suicide. Cry for yourself cos your friend has desserted you. Cry because you miss her or because you are lonely but don't cry because you didn't stop her. You didn't have that much power. </font> [b]

that is true it was not our fault!