Relaspe after 2 weeks

Yeah, I relapsed yesterday and despite my best attempts could not divert doing myself a little damage this time as times before.

I feel lower than an idiot at this point. This stuff has been putting a strain on all of my relationships and I cannot seem to stop.
I usually have been calling my T to help me through this be yesterday he took a little too long and I was really in distress. I called myself bargaining with my body saying I will only make a little cut. However it was like eating a potato chip - you can just leave it at one. Ended up with 6 small ones, and if I had have really let go God only knows what could have happened. My T finally called and asked if I could stop and at first I lied, because of the urgency in his voice, but I got it together and told him I could. I am addicted. How did this happen????
What a way to keep the exile in check.

I am sorry things got so overwhelming that you saw no alternative but SI. Please don't be so hard on yourself because of a relapse. This is a very addictive behavior. Try and be kind to yourself; you are trying. Please keep working with your T. It sounds like he cares and is supportive of you. Please try and be safe.

BB

Thank you Bipolar_bear for your response and kind words of encouragement. I am still struggling, but have felt better as far as this subject goes during the past few days.

((((BiPolar_bear))))))

Hi, I used to cut and give into urges time and time again I struggled with arguing my point to others when I said it was an addiction (ya know not everyone thinks it is) but the truth is as you said it is an addiction and it is a habit that is hard to break. What helped me stop was realizing that I was doing nothing but damage to myself and not helping at all just a mere second while I was doing the actual cutting but right after I did it I would cry and just want to do it more and I think it is that way for everyone. Just try and refrain from doing it...It is also a matter of changing your thoughts around IF YOU CAN I know it is not possible all the time but think of something good or just do something to distract you try not to look at cutting as an option at all because it does not help take your pain away.

Stay strong I hope I said nothing offensive.

((((((Leharas mind))))))

You are right I know, nothing you said was offensive to me. I just find it really difficult to do that now. The longest I've gone is a year, and then I folded under pressure of my past revisiting my present. I keep thinking if I just put enough will power into it I can do it, but at this point I think it is past willpower, it's about control, punishment and coping and I have not found another way that gives me the momentary relief that SI seems to do. I am angry and hurt and every scar has my abusers name on it.
Sorry I am beginning to rant - but that's where I've been for some time now.
Thank you all for you interest and concern, it is highly appreciated.