[itsjustme111]

Okay, now what? I was feeling good. Better than I have in many long days. Too much at once? Too many memories hitting at once?

Something triggered me. I went to have a bath and horrid events came back. So I added hot water, and more hot water, and then realizing that I was burning myself yet would not allow myself to get out. And it stung and still does. Then I grabbed a wash cloth--wanting so badly to get "the touch" off of my body. So I scrubbed and scrubbed....and it hurts so bad. My face was bleeding and now its a mess. I look like sheet. What the hell am I going to say when everyone gets home today? I took skin right off of my face and neck. Then I was really freaking out and have cuts all over my arm.

So now I hurt, it stings badly, and I am sad that I failed once again. And the memory was not wiped away. Once again it was all for nothing. I hurt myself all for nothing. What am I going to tell them? And just perfect timing--I not only see my t tomorrow but the childrens father has access this weekend (if he takes it).

Can I pass this off as a rash? Considering that I had a rash not too long ago. I hate this liar, but I can't tell them the truth.

What the hell happened? How the hell did I go from an okay mood, feeling so much better, then BANG: I do this??????? What the heck is wrong with me?

Justy

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((((Justy)))))))))))))))

[ktp]

(((((((((((Justy)))))))))))))

Dear, I am so sorry that you were triggered and that this has happened to you. I know it's tough but it might be a good idea to call your T or atleast go to ER and get it looked at. Scalds can get very bad if they get infected and they are just really painful to boot. Sending much love to you dear.

Soothing thoughts,
Kimberly.

((((((((((itsjustme))))))))))

[pooh_ac]

Justy Good to see you! I hoep that things settle for you soon and know that I still care and think of you
Love and HUGS
pooh

[itsjustme111]

Well not so easy to pass off as a rash. My bf was looking at me with confusion, my kids kept staring at my face. And all I felt was pain, but most of all I am ashamed of what I did.

If anything, my face is really sore. It is swollen, almost looks like its all cracked. Dried blood and kind of looks like someone kept slapping me over and over. My neck has cracks and scratches. But the burn from the water is not too bad. It is tolerable, so not too concerned with it. But I can't hide this either. I was tempted to cancel my appointment, but then I am running away from it...and I can't anymore.

My body is aching tonight. I can feel every little tight spot and muscle tension. My bones feel like they are over a hundred years old. And my head is throbbing. Not sure why though.

I tried to put some medicated cream on my face but ohhhh my, that stung. I could try to cover it some with make-up tomorrow but I think I would puke from the burning sensation. It hurts to even move muscles in my face. Its like a burn, u know how it feels so tight that it hurts with any movement. But I did it so now I deal with this mess. Stupid, just stupid. I can't believe myself sometimes. I want to hit myself over and over until I can't fight against this person anymore. Just drop over from complete energy loss. I feel so drained again. Wanting to hide under the covers in my bed and not move again.

But tomorrow will come even if I decide to hide away. So no point in hiding anymore. Just need to be honest with myself so I can be honest with my t tomorrow and tell him I am not sure if I can do this at home anymore. And I am afraid, %#@&#!!!!! What am I going to do? I will lose my kids cause once again their so called mother is falling apart, can't even be safe with herself. And I hate her more and more as time passes, realizing who I really am. A failure, a waste, a cowardly jerk.

Sorry everyone. I hate to say these things, hate to disappoint u all. I am just so sorry.

Justy

[wisewoman]

Justy, we can figure this out. You do not need to lose your kids unless that is a choice you make
You blew me off as though it were a fantasy but it can happen and you need to be a well parent to care for these kids. Please reach out

[itsjustme111]

I am very sorry ww. I was not intending to "blow you off" at all.

I want u to know that the offer you gave was the most wonderful thing anyone has ever offered me. I will always remember that and appreciate more than u realize.

I apologize for hurting you ww. That is the last thing I ever want to do. I care about u as well. We can talk more about this. Pm me and I will keep checking through the night. Okay....

And honestly, I don't take it as a joke. I hope u don't think this. It could happen for sure, just would be tough to do. But we can discuss this more??

Thanks my friends. ((((((((ww)))))))) you are a special and dear lady. I have always thought that and always will. Please accept my sincere apologies.

Justy

[wisewoman]

I p.m.ed Justy, I was never angry with her. She is a struggling puppy and I want to help is all. No judgement, no anger. I am a pretty loving person Hon, never any judgement intended.

[Rapunzel]

((((((((Justy))))))))))

Please be careful, and let people help you.

[(JD)]

justy a cortisone cream will take the red out and also help heal...

[itsjustme111]

I got ur pm and thanks again ww. I never felt "judgements" dear. I was very concerned that I had hurt your feelings. I know that you are all trying hard to understand and help me through this. Why do u think I am here?? Cause I adore you all.

Rapunzel, I am feeling more safe now. Actually, got some much needed rest and my mood has lifted significantly. Its amazing what sleep deprivation can do to someone. Can' t think clearly. But today I feel much better, with many thanks to all of u.

I did get cortisone cream and it is very helpful. That stuff is like a miracle cream. As stupid as that sounds, it is really good cream. And it does not hurt too bad at all. My face looks much better. Can see it still as it is pretty new. But it now looks more like a bad rash. The cracking is healing and swelling has gone done to almost looking normal. So all in all, is healing nicely.

Thanks all for the support.

Justy

[SpazKatt]

I hope you're ok hugs!

[itsjustme111]

Thanks SpazKatt. I always giggle at that dancing dude. It makes me think about this guy one night at the bar. He was such a sweet fellow but mostly everyone made fun of him as he danced just like this. I thought it was wonderful to see. He did not care about what others thought, he had fun. I will never forget him.

Anyway, I had a really strange weekend. Today when I got up I was grumpy. But within about a half of an hour I was so goofy it was almost sickening. I started horsing around with the kids, had them laughing so hard I thought they would burst. I would tackle them, tickle them, hold them down and kiss them....just playing around. We were totally wiped out after an hour of this, we just layed there giggling.

Then I started to get ready as we had to go do a few things. My mood just hit bottom so hard and fast. I got mad at the stupidest things. Not at the kids, just at myself. Then I felt so depressed it was gross. I did not want anyone to look at me, touch me, or even come 10 feet near me. I tried so hard not to display this and had to lock myself in the washroom several times as I had to cry. Finally we got out the door. I was very quiet and sullen.

We did what we needed to, got home, did homework, and that was about it. I did talk to the kids about their school work. We talked about report cards coming up etc. I made them a deal with rewards for bringing up grades and they were really excited. I typed it up for them and printed it out for them. After school tomorrow they are going to tack each of the copies on a wall in their rooms so they can have something to work towards. Like a reminder of the rewards for continuing to work hard. So it felt great to see the excitement they had.

And now I feel like dung. I think maybe its just knowing I have to go see my doctor tomorrow and I am worried. Well its more than that. I am depressed; lolol. Just not sure what to be sure about. If that makes sense. But I am not feeling worthless tonight which is a change; this is good. U know the blah feeling, well thats me.

Anyway, that was a loaded response. Sorry, just venting. But thanks very much for the hugs. Hope you are doing okay too SpazKatt.

Justy