i 10 -alter

it's Kiya - Ooohhhhhhhh I hope so. I feel so ill all the time - like a physical thing... like I have the flu or something. Sleeping by day not night, eating chocolate or nothing, migraines and body pain....
Tonight, the body sake tried to get to the liquer store - course it was closed and she raged internally, wanting to drown all the pain and confusion in Rum.
Yesterday 10 was thinking about cutting again - but thankfully didn't. Someone did injure but not in that way and I can't remember what day it was. I've tried explaining to the dr's and T that this is a crisis, but they all just say "we'll talk about it next week". I wish there were more IRL resources so that crisises were not swept under the rug (just like in the past). Massive headache.... later
((((((((((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))) I was in crisis recently, and I had to work so, so, so, so hard to make T understand. I finally asked him "WHY CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?? CAN YOU HEAR ME? CAN YOU HEAR ME?" over and over and I think it made him wake up and think "wait! What is she saying?". He started paying attention, which enabled me to talk, which enabled him to help me, and right now, I am so much better.

Please don't give up. When it was over, T told me he was so glad that I persisted and didn't give up. It's such hard work when you're already in a bad place, but I felt so scared that no one would help me that I just had to keep trying.

Keep trying, Kiya. You are so so so so so worth it.

((((((((earth))))))))))) I have been thinking about you and this post a lot. I still have no answer and internally there is chaos. I did just start a group for incest survivors tonight which will get interesting... and i almost felt too heard and too concerned with the reaction i got from the moderating t today in the intake on those tough safety questions @_@ my "time to run" flag came up!!! Made me think of you. Then i had to sign a contract where one of the lines for the group was "you can leave the *room* if overwhelmed, but not the building - a moderator has to check in and debrief with you first" and i felt that PANIC inside (from 8 who IS a runner) "whadyamean i can't *leave the bldg*!!!??" So we went over that for a minute. I as kiya am really glad that they care so much about safety. I know it is still hard for the system to have to put that much faith or trust into complete strangers. But i also like the T's down-to-earth sense... seems very REAL which really helps.
The T was very through (i can NEVER spell that word no matter how many times i memorize it) on the self injury and suicide questions (thus the panic) and i was really quite honest too and she started scribbling notes @_@ so i admitted that yes there is ideation nearly daily, yes there have been plans (never followed out) yes we've thought of every way possible (when you've been thinking about it for 23 years... yeah) and yes we've been close to three attempts though not actually gone all the way through with trying. And yes we have the crisis numbers on us at all times. *sigh*. Thankfully she didn't press me for further details. But i assured her that the system is fairly good at handling this (or we'd not still be here) and will even reach out when I am "out" to seek help if they can't handle it... which I think has only happened 3 times...? Same with the SI questions; who does it, how often, define "mild", shallow?? How is it done?..." At least she didn't make me show her. Even tho they are mild, i scar easily... so they are all still there. *sigh*. I am losing my train of thought.... I know at one point, 10 was thinking of the tool in the car but we are so used to that that we are not concerned by it any more - she thinks about it often w/o going for it. T did ask if i could get rid of the tools and i explained that having them gone is worse than working on control around them... less panic knowing they *could* be used if needed. Ok starting to space out.... time to post....

((((((((((((((((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))

Wow! You found a group, and went! And they listened to you and heard you. That is huge.

I know that "RUN" feeling so, so, so well....but hang in there. You are worth it!

i hurting.
nightmare.
body pain.
what to do?
feel soooo bad.

Kiya you are safe now. Don't forget that....

How are you Kiya? I am thinking of you.

BB

ugh... numbing tonight. with the excuse of having a bad sinus infection. alter took over. not wayha.... another. ill now. more than just the sinus infection.... but she felt she needed to numb and wants to all week.
thank you for keeping us in your thoughts.

((((((((Kiya and alts))))))))))

Sending lots of hugs to you, and some chicken noodle soup
I hope you get to feeling better hun

Lots of Love
Silver

thank you - chicken soup definately needed - getting worse over here. =( gosh - i didn't even remember writing that other posted reply.
(((((((silver))))))))

in group tonight miss 10 had a terrible fierce urge to push our pen right through my arm processing is still so hard for her. kept switching back and forth, but kept talking with her - she drew out her SI wants - was really grateful there were no sharps nearby. lot of compartmentalizing going on tonight. Didn't tell the T tho. Didn't know if it was right to. to scared still to speak up about those things. i am really proud of her for listening to me, staying with me, and not even attempting to harm with the pen.

many safe hugs (((kiya)))


twilight

(((((((((((((((((Twilight))))))))))) thanks

((((((((((((((( kiya and all ))))))))))))))))))

thanks fuzzy
((((((fuzzy))))))