let myself down, and more importantly

i let her down.

she asked me to do one thing, dont hurt myself, so what do i go and do. hurt myself. im so crap at the moment, no matter how much i love her just her asking aint gonna stop me. i need it. i must sound so pathetic saying that. i need it, its not even something i need!

im just so disapointed in myself, i let her down, i let me down, and im sure the tattoo artist is gonna freak when i go for another tattoo on monday... if i go.

sorry

marko

I'm sorry Marko that you feel you let yourself down. you can always start counting now and see this as a relapse, and i think everyone suffers those when they are trying to quit SI...for me for a while, what stopped me was the thought of having to tell my counsellor that i had restarted SI-ing. now i dont really care. it's my body after all.

((((((((marko))))))))

I don't know your "her", but speaking as the "her" of another person...

If hubby relapses, he worries about me being disappointed/upset/etc. and that places so much more stress on him. You made a mistake...it happens. Fix it from here. Decide what you want to do or not so and do it for you. If you're happy...the ones that love you will probably be happy for you too. I know I would

(((((marko))))) Good luck.

It just doesn't work to quit for someone else. You have to be ready and you have to have learned other ways of coping that work for you. You don't deserve the anger you are directing at yourself right now. I know that is hard to believe, but it's true. Quitting si is a very hard thing to do. It's a process and it takes a lot of tries and a LOT of support and patience

Best wishes!

Yeah, what Angela said. When I read your post the gut feeling I got was how unfair it is for her to ask you to do that. It is only hurting you and making it more difficult for you to quit because when you do have a lapse it causes the whole cycle of self blame. By asking you to quit she isn't asking you to do "just one thing" she is asking you to change everything about yourself. Cutting is not a habit all by itself, exclusive and alone. We cut because of what is going on inside. AND in order for a person to come to the point of needing to cut there is TONS of stuff that must be dealt with inside ourselves. So please don't beat yourself up, just buckle down and work on those things that lay under the habit and know that you are doing what she asked but one step at a time.
Carrie

That's a pretty big thing to ask. Like, 'just do this one little thing for me - transform yourself into whatever I want you to be.' It might not work for you, but I'm ok with a friend asking me just not to hurt myself for one day or one night or over one issue. I can give a promise like that and be able to keep it, because I can always wait that long, at least. My T hasn't even asked me to stop, although she suggested rewarding myself for progress when I don't hurt myself for a while. She said that she knew that she couldn't ask that, but she did put limits on it, and I was ok with the limits since I wasn't going to take it that far anyway.

Maybe you could negotiate for something that isn't too big of a step for you, that you can both feel better about. Something that would keep you safer, but not require you to promise more than you are ready to give.

she hasnt asked me to never do it again, just she knew how bad i was that night and asked me not to on that occasion. shes been thru it all before, and still is. so she somewhat understands how hard it is.

thanks for the replies, means a lot to me. thanks

marko

Then she probably also understands if you don't manage to avoid it that night. And whenever someone asks you not to do anything that night, and you don't feel like you can make that promise, it's ok to just tell them that you just can't promise that right now. Maybe you'll still get through the night without si, but you won't have to feel so bad about letting your friend down, just in case.

It isn't a constructive way to deal with our problems, and it would be better for us, and more comfortable for the people who care about us, if we could quit, but at the same time, it isn't the end of the world. You feel bad enough already. No need to beat yourself up more emotionally if you slip.

Take Care,
Wendy