so what the hell does it mean when you dont want to stop? i know that feelings do pass. i know i have wanted to change. i know that i have changed and lived a different life in which i could cope in ways that didnt involve me bleeding, or giving myself black-eyes and bloody knuckles... but what about right now? what about the times after ive hit the wall (literally) and i did not regret it, and it made me feel better, and i am not cursing myself for doing it, and i am not crying? like right now, when i feel composed and fine and i even have the URGE to post something?

i feel like such a self-centered, over-dramatic fraud. a total player.

sorry to vent. im not looking for petting. i just do not understand why i even bring my SI issue up when often i dont have much of a push to change it.

i feel really strange about posting this, but im hitting the button anyways... i hope this doesnt bother anyone...

[multipixie9]

there's a quote i've heard that says "no one changes until their pain is greater than their fear of change."

i'm hoping for your sake that at some time you realize you are so tired of hurting yourself that you are willing to try some other way of handling things that frustrate and hinder you.

i've been there, done that, have a few scars to prove it and i'm doing counseling and other spiritual activities to help me deal with all the pain and misery from my past that i haven't yet been able to resolve/heal from. i hope you will catch on faster and better than i did, for your own sake. it took me longer than i wish it had to realize that i was taking up where my abusers left off and it was a real stupid move on my part.

Originally Posted by multipixie9

there's a quote i've heard that says "no one changes until their pain is greater than their fear of change."

i'm hoping for your sake that at some time you realize you are so tired of hurting yourself that you are willing to try some other way of handling things that frustrate and hinder you.

i've been there, done that, have a few scars to prove it and i'm doing counseling and other spiritual activities to help me deal with all the pain and misery from my past that i haven't yet been able to resolve/heal from. i hope you will catch on faster and better than i did, for your own sake. it took me longer than i wish it had to realize that i was taking up where my abusers left off and it was a real stupid move on my part.

those are some kind but dead honest words, and honesty i appreciate. its been going on for me for well over 10 years, so i worry that this SI parasite has made its way into my body and made itself a little home. erase that... i dont worry about this happening, i KNOW it has. but, just as all of my other dxs, labeling myself a SIer is something that i can choose to add to the definition of presh only if i care to. now, and for the rest of my minutes. ill always have the same blood- ill always have the same dxs assigned to me. i choose what to do with them... i ramble.

THANKYOU THOUGH.
ill just keep going minute to minute.
you are sweet and somehow said just what i needed to hear, though i didnt know what i needed to hear when i wrote the post...

xo
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[oneinleftfield]

I don't know what it means and I hope I don't pet you in the process. I read your post because I have felt this way before . It did pass at one time and then came back again. I know I have the disease of addiction and think sometimes that my disease is talking to me and entincing me to use . Trying to convince me to do it again. I try to remember that a thought is just a thought and a feeling is just a feeling and I have to distract myself long enough to not give in to it. Only my actions matter. I doubt this makes much sense to you, but sometimes when we write down or type down our thoughts things appear that were once unseen.

Originally Posted by oneinleftfield

I don't know what it means and I hope I don't pet you in the process. I read your post because I have felt this way before . It did pass at one time and then came back again. I know I have the disease of addiction and think sometimes that my disease is talking to me and entincing me to use . Trying to convince me to do it again. I try to remember that a thought is just a thought and a feeling is just a feeling and I have to distract myself long enough to not give in to it. Only my actions matter. I doubt this makes much sense to you, but sometimes when we write down or type down our thoughts things appear that were once unseen.

oh it makes sense... and i appreciate yr words and mostly for not petting me, and understanding what i meant by that. i wasnt looking for pity or sympathy, and i honestly was cringing when i posted this with my fingers crossed hoping no one would give me those things. so thank you for understanding and showing me that yr on my team and its ok.

xo

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