[tearless]

I know I don't post much. I have a major problem with avoiding everything in my life that causes emotional discomfort. I read the entire forum faithfully, but "talking" about myself only reminds me how messed up everything is. So much crap to deal with - and way too long to get into in the SI forum.

But, on top of everything else (long term unemployment, totally being broke, close to being evicted and homeless), I now have this horrible secret. It started with a few light scratches on my arm. In a matter of days, it has escalated into an overwhelming urge to gauge deeper and harder whenever I try to be "present" (as my T would say) and deal with my life or feelings. So far, its about 20 ugly marks on my left arm. I'm running out of room and afraid of continuing to the next arm and anywhere else that's left unmarked.

I guess it's not too much of a secret because I've already mentioned it to my T. Actually we talked in length about it. Of course, she's supportive and worried, and I'm embarrassed and was in denial that it could be a problem. I really thought it was a one time deal. The first time I did it, I was in a semi-conscious state - sleeping with my eyes open. But now, I'm wide awake and go into almost a trance-like state when I'm doing it. Looking at my arm scares me. There would be no way of denying what happened to anyone who saw my arm. It was no accident. I can see how it escalates, because I think about the razor that's tucked inside my purse for "just in case".

I don't know what I'm asking for. I've read most of the forum and understand how once it starts, it's hard to stop and causes more problems. But that hasn't stopped me. I'm just afraid of where I'm heading. My life is only gonna get more complicated before it gets easy. But I'll always have the razor when it does.

No need for hugs, I don't deserve them.

[SpazKatt]

you do too deserve hugs!!! You are NOT a bad person! I would encourage you to try and not have your razor handy... I find "out of sight out of mind" works well for me.

[SweetCrusader]

You darn well do deserve them! ((((((((tearless))))))) <--if ok

My heart really, really goes out to you, reading your post. You must be in a terrible amount of pain. I'm so glad that you were able to reach out to us. I hope it helps.

You have no reason to be embarrassed. I can relate to your shame about si, but I don't think we really need to feel that way. It's sad that we do It's a double whammy- not only are in you so much pain, but you also feel embarassed about what you do to try to cope with that pain.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but if you've read on this forum, you know that I have the same struggle. I will tell you this, there is hope of quitting- but it only happens when YOU ARE READY. And when you find a reason- a good, loving reason- not to hurt yourself anymore. I pray that you will find it, and soon- before this escalates much more.

Best of luck to you!

Angela

[SpazKatt]

Yes, tearless you are NOT alone and if I may *hugs*

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{tearless}}}}}}}}}}}

I hope you don't mind hugs, because you do deserve them, and you sound like maybe you could use them too. I appreciate you sharing your story with us, and I'm sorry you hurt. If you've already read most of this forum, then you know you're in good company here, and we're available for support any time you need it. You can tell us as much or as little of your story here as you like, or use the other forums if that seems better. Some of us post on this forum because we're more comfortable here, and that's fine, even if your post isn't strictly about SI.