[Zenobia]

Right now I have that lump in the middle of my chest. It is like a bubble of darkness pressing down on my heart and lungs. I want so much for it to go away. I stood in the shower composing a letter to my T about how wonderful I was doing and how I have not hurt myself on purpose since our last session all the while I wanted to do what I do to make this this lump go away. I want to see blood cause the blood chases the darkness away even for a little while. I tell myself that I can cope with this, I can deal with pain and discomfort. I can deal with this. But the lump just gets bigger and harder and insists that I notice it. That I do something about it.

What triggered it you may ask. It is so stupid. I got a suspension notice from the phone company. No big deal because I know we paid the bill already and they have cashed the check. So I called them but they would not give me any information on the account because only my husbands name is on the account. It was so frustrating. Here I was trying to ease my discomfort, make things better for myself in a possitive proactive manner and I hit a brick wall. What really bugs me is that I am the one who set up this account in the first place. I am the one who signed the papers for the work order. I am the one who did everything to get this account started in both our names. I am the one who signs the checks to pay on the account. It makes me feel so helpless. Hubby thinks it is no big deal, he says he will just call today and take care of it. But it is a big deal. It brings up all those feelings I had of being helpless and unable to care for myself and being hurt because of it. It brings up all those feelings of hopelessness because there was no way for me to stop what was happening no matter how good I tried to be, no matter how careful I was.

I tell myself that was then this is now. I can do something about it but I can't. They won't listen to me. So I called up other phone companies to talk about changing services. Unfortunately we are with comcast and when they changed our service they change our phone jacks and it will cost too much to change the jacks back to regular service.

So here I am dealing with those old feelings of helplessness. Dealing with the dark lump in the middle of my chest. Dealing with the itchiness on my wrists and the desire to do things that I tell no one about. It makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. For what? A g*d da** phone bill.
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos

[JulieBean]

(((hugs))) i'm not sure what to tell you... but i figured i would at least show my support. I know how you feel... sometimes i get triggers like that, that feel just totally absurd... but they are not absurd to us, and those like us... sometimes i have a hard time feeling justified for my feelings, but it is totally understandable why that triggered you like that. I wish i had some better words of advice than just "i understand..." because i feel some other things about it, but i just can't put it into words... but i know you are strong enough to keep yourself from cutting, and just know that i'm here for ya.
~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

[Zenobia]

Dear Juliebean,
Sometimes "I understand" is the best comfort a person can give. I live my life doing things that nobody around me understands. To have someone who understands the struggle we go through to not do those things and to understand why sometimes we give in and stop fighting it is more precious to me then I can put into words. I tried to tell hubby what triggered me and he sighed. Can you believe that? Yes I know it is not reasonable to be as upset about the bill thing as I was but to get a sigh when I was trying to talk my way through it just hurts. I know my moods are unreasonable but they do exist and need to be comforted. So the words that you wrote were perfect. Thank you.
Carrie

PS I did make it through it without cutting. Then I hit a bordom wall. I hate being bored but I made it through that as well without causing any damage so I feel good about it though extremely emotionally tired.

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos

[Rapunzel]

Carrie,

I just want to say that the way you explained what you were feeling was so clear that I think most people could understand it. You did that very well. Congratulations for working through your feelings.


<font color=purple>"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try."</font color=purple>