i am so angry.
i'm not okay.

Every time she screams my name I shiver.
Fear takes control of me for a minute while every secret I keep from her runs through my mind
What did she find out? Who told her what?
I think hard and carefully until I go numb and decide I don’t care.
I can’t care anymore. It takes too much out of me.
She found out one secret and didn’t give a **** why would this make any difference at all.
I can handle being yelled at, being screamed at.
That’s all she ever does
She knows I cut and grounded me
Said I’m immature and embarrassing
She doesn’t get it at all.
And maybe one of these times she will yell loud enough
Hurt me deep enough
For me to really decide it’s time
Cut as deep as I’ve been craving
And go home.
Be with a father who loves me
Who won’t ****ing molest me.
Maybe if I wasn’t such a coward I would be there already.
Why the hell am I such a **** up?
She screams my name again though
And I slip back into reality
It’s dinner time.

[cantstopcrying]

Oh I am so sorry this is going on!! Please be careful. Is there anyone you talk to about this?

[gimmeice]

(((((((((( court_knee ))))))))))))))

[free2beme]

((((( Court )))))

you are not immature or embarrassing -

you're hurting........and you have been hurting for too long

Please stay safe.

[Blue93]

((((((((((((((ck)))))))))))))))))

[I_WMD]

Court ,, You and Manda ,, Manda and You ,, I am so wanting to see ya both Graduate College >> and go one to the next Hurdle of Life .

But most of all ,,,, Yous coolios >> and I have never doubted the fortitude of your Hearts >> or Convictions ,,, to be there every year >> For the Kids at Church camp .

Court ,, too far ,, has been this walk you Have had to endure .... Please ,, P L E A S E !!! >>>..... Be there for That which you have achieved ,,, and the other ?

KARMA ,,,, she a majorial B **** .



Corky.xoxox.

[mandazzle]

Dear Courtney,
You're my best friend in the whole world and I love you so much. Nothing can compare to the friendship we have. And I will always be here for you, no matter what. We will get through this because we have each other.
<3

[phoenix7]

you are not a coward court knee, you are in pain and you are surviving. You dont sound immature from your writings - you sound thoughtful and mature of spirit.

hope you have someone you can talk to about this -and I hope your father doesnt live with you anymore (if im reading that right about the abuse) if he does and its still going on is there someone you can talk to about this? can you live somewhere else? with another family member?

Dont let others steal your future, the best revenge is a life well lived - yuo can get through this - take care P7

First off let me just say I am sorry if what I said about the pills offended. Sabby made an edit but I just wanted to apologize if you guys read it before she did that. I acted on emotion and didn’t think about what I was typing.

Next; thank you to all of you who care. Thanks for the hugs love prayers and support.

Manda pants: a brunette and a blonde with an inseparable bond, right? =) I love you.

Corky you’re precious.

Now, in all seriousness I just don’t know what to do you guys. I’m just feeling so stuck, so helpless, and so alone. Perhaps that sounds dumb when I am supposed to see I have all ya all who care but when in the situation of the moment it’s hard to see that. It’s hard to see past the hurt. My step dad still lives with us because I never told anyone. Well, Mandy knows but that doesn’t count because I didn’t tell her, she figured it out on her own. However, no adults or authority type people ever found out because I didn’t ever feel like I could tell and I still don’t. It isn’t worth it. Therefore I see him every day and I’m just SO ANGRY. I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like being angry but I am and I can’t control it. I guess I’m a horrible Christian. I thought I was dealing with it okay. And I still think I am. But I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. I know it could always be worse though.

My mom relearned of my cutting. She first found out when I was 14 and thought I was over it a week later. I never stopped and now I’m 17 and have over 50 scars. I actually wrote HOPE in my inner right leg today. It stings a little now. My mom has never seen my scars though. I would never show her them. They are mine. The only thing I have to myself. I sort of like my scars sometimes. Anyway my mom's reaction was the same as years ago. She took my cell phone, my lap top, and grounded me. As usual she told me how embarrassing I am and that she’s sick of my attention seeking behavior. She also told me that I am too immature to go off to college in the fall. HELL NO! Because the thought of getting out and away was what was keeping me going. What I was pushing for. I don’t take all honors and AP classes to be denied a college education. That’s not fair. Cutting has nothing to do with maturity level and everything to do with what her mistakes have caused me to go through. I need to go to college.

I’m just so sick of her bringing it up and rubbing it in my face every chance she gets. She’s obviously not that concerned with what I do or thinks it’s a joke because yelling? Honestly? Saying I can’t be trusted with a computer or phone yet everything else is okay. What the **** is she thinking? My mom is a therapist but she obviously isn’t a very good one when she can’t even tell her own daughter is suicidal or has been sexually abused. Are my subtle hints not enough? Am I not enough?

[Sannah]

CK, I am so sorry. Are you in therapy?

[I_WMD]

Am I not enough? __________________

Court ,,, ,,, You are 100 % ,,, Good as Gold !!!

.....and Yepper ,,, College .... fo sho >>..
{{{{{{{{{{{{~~ Easy Cool Hugs ~~}}}}}}}}}}}}

Corky.xoxox.

nope i am not in therapy.

[phoenix7]

I am sorry you are still living with your step dad - and really hope you get off to college so you can be away from him - I think maybe your mumis afraid of what you are doing and that can make people not think properly and try to use anger to deal with things rather than reason - you say your mum is a T - I dont think she is dealing with this as a T - she thinks that groudning you and these other things will make you stop because she thinks they stopped before when she did this - she is trying what she thinks works - somtimes the closer you are to a problem - the harder it is to see it. (not saying you are a problem just saying she cant see whats happening because she is too close to it)

The attention seeking thing - my sister said that when I told her what I had done - it really hurt - I am sorry your mum said that to you - I didnt do it to seek attention I did it to let the pain out - it doesnt though does it - it distracts but the pain is still there -seeing a good T has helped me - is there a school T you can see? or can you sit down with your mother and really talk to her? take care P7