[thriftylefty]

hi to all, you have to have seen this issue before, it's most likely performance anxiety. i'm 25 and gay, and have had issues for years with trust, intimacy, even physical touch. i should mention that i have asperger's and carry a whole crapload of anxiety with me on a daily basis, my fear of people affects me on every level: family, friends, jobs, sex life, etc. everyone knows most of this but what they don't know is that it's been impacting my ability to perform when in typical sexual situations. it's no exaggeration to say that sex is usually very stressful, there's little pleasure even when it's my fricking fantasy come to life, just too much i-need-to-get-the-hell-out-of-here going through my head, even with close partners. my general attitude has been to get aroused, fool around a little, get serious, lose interest/freak out, and if i try to keep going i fail to perform. when i say freak out sometimes it's the whoooole deal with the panic attacks and such (usually if i try to have sex too soon for my comfort). i can masturbate, i even get aroused when fooling around at first before it gets pulled out, so i have a hunch that whatever's wrong, it's in my head, not physical. i've only now begun to seek out serious advice- i think it's the anxiety, it runs deep. my relationship with the last guy i was with lasted 2 1/2 years and while i made more progress with him than i've ever made before, i never achieved orgasm with him. he had his own troubled past and was very patient and understanding with my issues, a couple of other guys before him weren't so understanding. even though i cared about him i wasn't even able to maintain a decent erection with him for the first three months after we met, due to constant anxiety-related problems. three months seems like plenty of time to get to know him and feel comfortable enough to be sexual, not to mention i was very attracted to him. still, same old issues even with strong desire.

this crap has been going on for over a decade, it was even there during my first sexual encounter involving a friend giving me oral (but not when i was discovering touching and making out with him before that), sometimes not so bad, but now it's worse than ever. i'm single and it's pretty difficult to meet guys with a disappointing secret like this looming over my shoulder. i'd like to think that given enough time, this issue solves itself as i become more comfortable, unfortunately based on experience it takes way too long if left to its own schedule. as of yesterday i decided to take any action to make progress, i'll be calling a therapist or psychologist tomorrow, i'm doing my reading on all of this, and i ended up here. thanks for your time.

[bebop]

I am no expert but the first thought that comes to my mind is that you are experiencing anxiety due to anxiety. I would really try to get to know the person on a more personal level with no pressure for the sex part. relax and enjoy their company first then see what happens and let it happen more naturally. take your time with a relationship. and when it does finally happen try not to think..."is it gonna work this time"?

[begoun]

sorry i just read your story hang in there you sound like my brother who comiitted suicide he was gay and had aspergers i have aspergers sorry about my writing if you ever want to chat let me know paula begoun

Or go in the complete opposite direction and have anonymous, no-strings sex so that there's nothing really riding on your performance. This might free you up. You don't have to be a slut, just sow some wild oats without the weight of romance for a change.

Maybe this would relax you and build up your sexual confidence for when you do find that special someone. A little experience before marriage is not a bad thing. Just another option -- Mike

PS -- Full disclosure: I'm probably in no position to be giving advice on this subject, I admit. I'm working on my own stuff -- . Good luck though!

[thriftylefty]

Originally Posted by bebop

I am no expert but the first thought that comes to my mind is that you are experiencing anxiety due to anxiety. I would really try to get to know the person on a more personal level with no pressure for the sex part. relax and enjoy their company first then see what happens and let it happen more naturally. take your time with a relationship. and when it does finally happen try not to think..."is it gonna work this time"?

heh your first sentence is insanely accurate, one anxiety triggers another, but it isn't easy to find someone willing to wait for me, i've been single two years now and haven't met anyone open minded enough, or who cared more about me than my body. i've had chances to get laid and have a great time, but of course i didn't. casual sex sucks, guys always find out about the performance issues before we ever have good sex, and none of the guys i've dealt with were willing to work with me except for my last relationship. maybe i'm paranoid but based on my history it's likely they'll give up before i ever make any progress, which just makes my problem worse because now there are people out there who might be talking about me and my issues to other people. all it takes is one person to spread the word and boom, you're the joke and the punchline. a few people already know about my problem from instances where i tried to have fun but couldn't perform and the guy went back and told an unknown number of his friends- typical guy behavior. i try to shrug it off but it still sucks, i have no idea what people are saying about me behind my back. it shouldn't matter but this is personal as hell, this could screw up my whole social life. if anyone knows where i can meet guys who can deal with this crap i'd love to know where they are, seems if they exist they're one in a million.

[thriftylefty]

Originally Posted by cypher

Or go in the complete opposite direction and have anonymous, no-strings sex so that there's nothing really riding on your performance. This might free you up. You don't have to be a slut, just sow some wild oats without the weight of romance for a change.

Maybe this would relax you and build up your sexual confidence for when you do find that special someone. A little experience before marriage is not a bad thing. Just another option -- Mike

PS -- Full disclosure: I'm probably in no position to be giving advice on this subject, I admit. I'm working on my own stuff -- . Good luck though!

god i wish i could do that, i'd love to dive headfirst into casual sex, i'm sick of sex being so difficult. but it would only work if i never saw the guy again if i had performance issues and if that guy couldn't get into my social network and spread the word. seems possible but i'm not sure where i can do this safely, would love more advice..

[bebop]

maybe a new social group hon. I think if you can train youself not to think about "what if it happens this time" type thinking you might can start to relax a little more. even in hetero sex this happens hon. ask any guy! of course most probably won't admit they have that problem most of the time.

[thriftylefty]

Originally Posted by bebop

maybe a new social group hon. I think if you can train youself not to think about "what if it happens this time" type thinking you might can start to relax a little more. even in hetero sex this happens hon. ask any guy! of course most probably won't admit they have that problem most of the time.

thanks bebop and everyone for the advice, when i made the first post i hadn't done much about all this but now i've read all about this stuff, and i've talked to my shrink, asperger therapist, and soon i'll have this conversation with my ex, although he already knows all about it, i couldn't think of a better person to ask. we hadn't talked in probably a year but as of yesterday we got back in touch, talk about perfect timing =P. i think the act of talking about it has taken a lot of the sting out, i was so embarrassed to ask for help that it just fermented in the back of my brain and kept growing as time went by. i'm starting to think maybe i can kill this anxiety, not just wound or ignore it so that it ends up coming back later. i think i just have to be more open about my sexuality, express myself more, talk about my desires more, and maybe i can kill the anxiety as i become comfortable acting on those desires. seems it wasn't the other guy causing me so much trouble, it was me. thanks again guys and gals. =)