SO embarrassed.. possible big trigger.

I'm having a really really hard time talking to my T about this so I thought posting it here would make it easier to talk to her. Somehow this anonymous place is easier.

There are weird things going on in my sex life that are really hard to say to my T because I am so worried she will judge me and think I'm disgusting if she knows all of this.

It is definitely related to trauma...

I've told her some. So far writing things on PC helps me be able to say things to my T for some reason. Please don't judge me. Please don't read further if you might get triggered, too. I'm just trying to get the words out there and maybe some input if anyone has experienced this.

TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER

I ask for really f**ed up things during sex. This is not like me. I am a gentle person, a nice person who does not really want roughness. I want love. But I can't take love. I can't handle it. Being present during sex makes me flip out. I pretty much always imagine rape when I am having sex. It's sort of become the only way I can cope with sex, and sickeningly, it turns me on, too. Oh this is so embarrassing.

I imagine really f**ed up scenes. I mean, you can't imagine -- just the most humiliating, degrading stuff possible. But that's not enough, either.

I asked my last boyfriend for things, things to hurt me. At first, I kept the fantasies secret and just closed my eyes and went away into fantasyland during sex. But slowly I started involving him. I would ask him to pull my hair or hit me or push my head into the pillow or hold me down. Sometimes I asked him to... to stretch me out and make it hurt really bad from the inside, only I told him it felt good. I couldn't explain how it could hurt so much but fill this sick need. This is so messed up. Sometimes I wanted an*l which always hurt. I asked him to tie me up before, but he didn't want that. He would do the other things.

This one time he kept going with an*l when I told him to stop, and I started to cry, but he thought the "stop" and the crying was a role-playing thing. It wasn't. But I return to that night in my messed up fantasies in my messed up head. Those thoughts turn me on, isn't that sick? Other times we role-played rape. He liked to ask me to pretend I was asleep. I think we took the fantasies way too far. I wish he had not agreed to participate, but he thought he was giving me what I wanted. He did once have nonconsensual sex with me while I was passed out from drinking. He told me the next morning because he felt guilty. He hadn't had anything to drink. He just did it because he wanted to. Now we are broken up, and I'm afraid I'm stuck in this.

I don't know why I do this. I am so sad about the bad things that happened to me, but I ask for worse things when I choose to have sex. WTF. Other times during sex, I float over my body. I sometimes feel it's like a dream that is not really happening to me. I need it to feel like it's not really happening to me. The rape fantasies make it separate from me. It keeps the sex out of my body.. I don't know how to explain it.

Ugh this is really sick.

I'm just going to post.

Ugh.

Trigger, yes, but I relate to it. I wonder if maybe there are more who do too. I'm not sure what it's about, but I had those fantasies too. In my mind, it was rape, and I was being hurt, and I always dissociated. I got to the point where I was making myself do it even though I didn't want to, and it was harder and harder, but it was easier to just say ok and dissociate than to keep tolerating being touched when I didn't want to be. One time I figured that I could handle it, but I couldn't, and H knew I was dissociating and kept forcing me to come back, and I couldn't escape and it felt to me like an actual rape and I cried and he kept going and I thought I could deal with it but I couldn't and in the morning I was depressed beyond my ability to cope and I couldn't even manage to get myself up and get dressed until like 4 in the afternoon even tho i kept trying to get up but kept finding myself hiding back in bed with no motivation, i just couldn't get myself to move or stay vertical and was too impaired to function for weeks and never got better enough to catch up until eventually, almost a year later, i lost my job. it got too traumatic to deal with it so i stopped dealing with it, and don't do sex at all anymore because i can't deal with that.

I don't know where it started or why, but that's how it ended up for me. If you can talk to your T about it before it gets that bad, it would probably be a good idea. Sorry i don't have an answer for you, but thought maybe it would help to know you're not the only one. Thanks for being brave enough to post.

oh, (((((jexa))))).

you're a brave person for posting this. i relate. i know many people who have histories of abuse do too. a part of it seems to be that it was our first exposure to sexual acts, so maybe it is tied up with that. another part seems to be the desire to keep hurting ourselves. i used to ask my ex to do things and hurt me (physically) afterwards. she never would, but i think i created a situation in which it became ok for her to put her wants before mine (in terms of consent) so that relationship became quite unbalanced & unhealthy towards the end.

there is another forum i visit specifically for the trauma stuff i deal with. not that PC isn't great, but they have a whole subforum dedicated to sex where survivors get to talk about the good stuff and the bad stuff and what they are accomplishing and still struggling with. it's helped a lot to reduce my shame. reading 12 pages of other survivors sharing their rape fantasies, or their dissociative experiences, or whatever does help to make me feel less alone and ashamed and sickened with myself. i dont visit often (it gets very heavy!!) but if you would like, send me a pm and i will send you the address to the site.

i am happy to post it here but i'm not sure if it goes against forum guidelines.

Oh my gosh I am feeling so embarrassed I want to take this down!!! But I'm glad I found some people who can relate and that I'm not the only one. I think it is a form of self-harm like you said, deli, and since I experienced csa it's the way sex became formed in my head.

i'm not sure what to say.But well done for posting and please speak with your T about this.If anything i think your punishing yourself over and over again and maybe if you speak to your T you can break the cycle.Let us know how it goes

I also experience the same and am only now exploring it. You are DEFINETLY NOT ALONE!!

I agree about it being a form of self harm. And it can be more harmful than you intend it to be.

I relate to a lot of your post, but this really stood out to me. I really, really relate to this. It seems like the worst sexual experiences I've had are the ones I fantasize about the most. Most of the time, I can't become aroused without thinking about something really awful. I am sorry for your struggles, but I am glad I'm not the only one.

Thanks for this thread. I see a few coping mechs here in your post, I THINK they are:
Acting Out,
Dissociation,
Reaction Formation,
Repression.

I have had sex abuse as a child and have repeatedly throughout my adulthood found myself in similar self harm situations. So I know how embarrassing this can be to admit.

But if you read this list of 15 coping mechs you'll see that some coping mechanisms are more "constructive" for you than other defenses.

I don't know if this helps any.

I just want to thank you for being brave enough to post this, Jexa, for real. I wish I couldn't relate to it, but I can.

to you.

By letting your boyfriend role-play a rape scene with you is not only detrimental to your own well-being but also endangers women out there on the roads. You are "desensitizing" your boyfriend towards the horrors of rape. He may start having these urges towards other women and end up in prison.
Atleast on two occassions, that is when you were asleep and he coalesced with you without you knowing it... and when you asked him to stop an*l-but he did not; were actually 'rapes' in accordance to our "law". To state it differently, your "fantasy" has already become a "reality'. Your well being lies in your decision to eliminate this fantasy before some greater damage is done to you (or any other woman's) body. Please seek a consultant's help. These things are manageable. I wish you good luck.

By letting your boyfriend role-play a rape scene with you is not only detrimental to your own well-being but also endangers women out there on the roads. You are "desensitizing" your boyfriend towards the horrors of rape. He may start having these urges towards other women and end up in prison.
Atleast on two occassions, that is when you were asleep and he coalesced with you without you knowing it... and when you asked him to stop an*l-but he did not; were actually 'rapes' in accordance to our "law". To state it differently, your "fantasy" has already become a "reality'. Your well being lies in your decision to eliminate this fantasy before some greater damage is done to you (or any other woman's) body. Please seek a consultant's help. These things are manageable. I wish you good luck