[o'quinn]

I'm a girl, but I often think about how nice it would've been if I were born a male. I sometimes fantasize about it, and how different my life would (always somehow improved). At the same time, I'm told I act pretty girly and I'm generally into the female lifestyle. Still, I can't help feeling my mind is that from a male, and I could just as easily act manly. I face gender roles as something I'm extremely flexible about, and I'm sure I could act both like men and women. So, you see, it's not really that I envy the life of a man, it's more that I envy the body of a man.

Sometimes, however, I feel like I've gotten used to being a girl (and I definetly do NOT want a sex change), but not free of issues. I have sort of big boobs and, as attractive as some may think they are, I hate them. I can see they're pretty, I can see what guys like about them, but I feel like they're unnatural in my body. I imagine myself as a little girl just as often as I imagine myself as a man (from my same age). Sometimes I even fantasize I'm a little boy, althought that's not as common.

It's very confusing, especially when added to whom I'm attracted too: almost everyone. Or not quite. I mean, I have standards, of course, but it doesn't matter if they're male, female, even flamboyant gay males or straight women... I think they're all attractive. I like them old, of my age and (that's when it gets nasty) younger. The idea of a sexual encounter with most of them would sick me to no end, especially when regarding kids. I would NEVER have sex or any kind of sexual experience with a child, but I do appreciate their bodies and petite beauty. I think it's not really because I want them, but because I want to be them.

How crazy is that and do I do?

[Rhapsody]

Is it possible that you hate being a female with a female body due to abuse you suffered as a young girl?

[o'quinn]

Actually, yes. Is that a common reaction that I should be aware of?

[BeautifullyMistaken]

I can't really relate to much of what you posted (about being a male etc), However I can give some insight (I think) to answer your question "Is that a common reaction" and possibly a few things to cope with child abuse.

Sadly, it is. If you were abused as a child, it seems that feeling stays with you forever. It leaves you with a lot of mixed emotions.

Self-esteem/Feelings: Feeling that you arent a worthwhile person. Feeling bad, dirty or ashamed of yourself. Feeling self destructive. You have a hard time dealing with feelings as well. Don't know how you feel, afraid of how you feel, worrying about going crazy, experiencing a very narrow range of feelings, experiencing intrusive memories, images, nightmares or reliving past traumatic events.

Some long term effects of abuse consist of (but aren't limited too): emotional problems, behavioral problems, poor performance at school, further abuse etc.

Any sort of abuse has it's effects whether its sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse. I may be able to tell you more if you wish to disclose what type of child abuse you suffered from. However, You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to.

Take care! *hugs*

When I was younger, I often wished I were male, but the main reason was "male privilege." I grew up in a time when sexism was the norm. Boys and men had more freedom of lifestyle choice. It was taken for granted that women were going to be mothers, and their careers (limited pretty much to teacher, secretary, nurse, airline attendant, or waitress) were just temporary until they got married. It so happens I enjoy being a homemaker, but I resented having that decision made *for* me simply because I was female.

The other reason was simple curiosity. What would it be like to be made differently? How does the other half live?

Feeling unattractive is also very common given what happened to you, and it's all too sadly typical of a lot of young women. Media gives us unrealistic images of the ideal, and makes us feel less than perfect if we don't look like those airbrushed, cosmetically altered, and often starving models and actresses.

However, as you have discovered, beauty comes in all kinds of forms. Many different people can be beautiful, and it's OK to appreciate the beauty in all of them. Thinking someone of any age, size, shape, color, or gender, is attractive or beautiful is perfectly okay, in fact it's good, and it is not at all the same thing as being sexually attracted to them.

This I also had to struggle with. I am a straight woman, but I have wondered about my orientation, and even experimented, before coming to that conclusion. Your thoughts are not at all unusual. If you feel you need help with them, this is a safe place to vent.

[Michellewhois]

I hope that I don't trigger any bad feelings with my reply because it is one that I've struggled with for many years. I listen to many others that have similar feelings and emotions about who or should I say what we are. The more I research the problems of gender, I find that it doesn't just apply to males wishing that they are female.

I have started seeing that there are a fair share of females that wish they could be male. The reasons are many but the central theme is always one of "The grass may be greener for the other side". For some, it's the fact that my generation was raised with males being somewhat privileged in the way society treat them. As LoveBirdsFlying stated, women were more or less told that they were expected to become Mothers, wives, homemakers and only things that the so called "fairer sex" could handle.

Males were told that they had to be rough and tumble types that were expected to be the bread winners, the kings of their castle and the overall dominant person in all relationships. That at least to me, was a bunch of BS!. The males that showed our feelings and emotions were pounced upon by males that considered us to be freaks and by women that felt that we were strange, degrading and just plain weird.

In today's society, women that show a somewhat masculine approach to life are considered acceptable and are sometimes looked up to as leaders. Women are now working as mechanics, truck drivers, engineers and the list of what used to be a long list of male dominated careers. They are no longer looked at as Butch or some of the other nasty names that they were called back then.

As for guys that show any form of femininity, unfortunately they are still classed as somewhat less than male. Yes males can be homemakers but then have to live with questions like what you couldn't find a job? Males can now be nurses where way back when, they were scorned for not becoming doctors. Some women find them to be more understanding and loving.

But I have breached subject that have gone beyond the questions that O'Quinn has about herself. O'Quinn you have asked yourself why you feel so confused about WHOM you are attracted to. You look at the human form as wondrous and sometimes sexy. Often you find desires in both sexes where you feel that you should only see in the opposite gender.

Many of us have the same feelings and desires that you questioned. Some of us only see what is or may be pleasurable and not what gender they may be. A lot of women that I've talked to about this subject feel that they could never express their real desires because of the stigmas attached to them.

Some of us now prefer to refer to ourselves as pansexual. I hate having to use tags or references but it does describe us a little better than bi or gay/lesbian. It is a flexibility that we can enjoy pleasure with either gender and all the in betweens. It is feelings and desires simply for the true nature of a relationship with a human being and nothing else.

As for looking at younger people, you are like many that see them not as sexual beings but healthy, graceful humans that still exude the spark of life that we all had way back when. It's only when you act on a sexual nature that it becomes one that needs to be addressed.

I guess what I am trying to say is, please don't ever confuse who you are with what society dictates what we should or shouldn't be. Find that harmony within yourself that makes us able to face each day with a somewhat positive outlook. And sorry I got so long winded.

[Allen279]

Originally Posted by o'quinn

I'm a girl, but I often think about how nice it would've been if I were born a male. I sometimes fantasize about it, and how different my life would (always somehow improved). At the same time, I'm told I act pretty girly and I'm generally into the female lifestyle. Still, I can't help feeling my mind is that from a male, and I could just as easily act manly. I face gender roles as something I'm extremely flexible about, and I'm sure I could act both like men and women. So, you see, it's not really that I envy the life of a man, it's more that I envy the body of a man.

Sometimes, however, I feel like I've gotten used to being a girl (and I definetly do NOT want a sex change), but not free of issues. I have sort of big boobs and, as attractive as some may think they are, I hate them. I can see they're pretty, I can see what guys like about them, but I feel like they're unnatural in my body. I imagine myself as a little girl just as often as I imagine myself as a man (from my same age). Sometimes I even fantasize I'm a little boy, althought that's not as common.

It's very confusing, especially when added to whom I'm attracted too: almost everyone. Or not quite. I mean, I have standards, of course, but it doesn't matter if they're male, female, even flamboyant gay males or straight women... I think they're all attractive. I like them old, of my age and (that's when it gets nasty) younger. The idea of a sexual encounter with most of them would sick me to no end, especially when regarding kids. I would NEVER have sex or any kind of sexual experience with a child, but I do appreciate their bodies and petite beauty. I think it's not really because I want them, but because I want to be them.

How crazy is that and do I do?

You are not crazy at all. You have penis envy. I'm a man and I like the female clitoris. But of course I don't have one. I suggest you make friends with men. I care about you. Allen

[Grithnir]

I don't think you sound totolly that crazy. I have had weird fantasies at times, but they have all passed away with time about gender roles. I never actually carried through with a fantasy about being a girl or something. I am a gay male, and now I don't really even appreciate the beauty of women, or at least in my dealings with my attractive female nurse, I feel intimidated by her perfect health and smarts. I don't find all that much beauty in people lately, and think it is anhedonia at it's worst, but I used to before I had a mental illness and it seems natural. There are even church teachings about appreciating the beauty of the people around you, young or old. I like witty old people the best. It's all just kindof a frivilous tangent unless you ellaborated that you focus on it a lot, but from your post it didn't sound like you did.

Good luck to you.

Grithnir

[Lady_Chaos]

O'quinn, thank you for posting this. I can totally empathise with you. I have had exactly these kind of feelings for a long time, and i thought that i was the only one.

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

Is it possible that you hate being a female with a female body due to abuse you suffered as a young girl?

Thank you so much for this, it never occured to me that all these different things could be linked to my abuse. It's definately something i need to bring up when i start seeing a therapist again.