[massgirl]

I'm 30 and my boyfriend is 28. I have a lot more sexual experience than he does and even in the beginning I had to make the first move. He has a hard time keeping an erection during sex and takes over the counter pills for that. Problem is that sometimes when taking them he cat ejaculate. He doesn't need the pills when he masturbates, only during sex. We've lived together for about a year now. We never had a lot of sex, maybe once a week. Now it's more like once every 4-6 weeks. He tells me he's too tired and its too much work. I don't think its me. I'm look about the same as I did when we met and he always used to tell me that I'm sexy but he doesn't do that anymore. He gets erections all the time by looking at me or touching me but when it comes to sex he says he "just doesn't want it". He's very affectionate and loving towards me and there aren't really any other problems in our relationship. We're going on 4 weeks now and the only time we do it is when I initiate it. I tried the other day and he said "it's my day off. I don't wanna have sex. It's too much work". I asked if the reason he doesn't want sex is because of something to do with him or with me. He said he doesn't know. That he doesn't have a lot of experience and has never been in a situation where he can have it whenever he wants it and he "just doesn't want it". It has nothing to do with my skills in bed because I know there's no issue there. So my question is, is it possible that he's just not interested in having sex even though he does like to masturbate? Or is it that he's not interested in sex with me? I don't know what to do.

[Elana05]

hi massgirl,

Do you have other fun times... like going places together and other feelings of togetherness? Does your bf ever seem down or depressed? I guess I just wonder if it might be due to depression or stress if you think he may have these tendancies. Also... is there any chance he may have suffered some kind of trauma or abuse? That kind of thing can make being intimate certainly difficult and not really wanted. It does kind of sound like there is something he isn't sharing? Sending good wishes. I hope you both can figure it out.

E

[massgirl]

Originally Posted by Elana05

hi massgirl,

Does your bf ever seem down or depressed? Do you have other fun times... like going places together and other feelings of togetherness? I guess I just wonder if it might be due to depression or stress if you think he may have these tendancies. Also... is there any chance he may have suffered some kind of trauma or abuse? That kind of thing can make being intimate certainly difficult and not really wanted. It does kind of sound like there is something he isn't sharing? Sending good wishes. I hope you both can figure it out.

E

Yep we go places all the time and have a lot of fun together. He's definitely not depressed and I don't think he's really stressed. I know that he lost his virginity to a much older woman who he thought he was in love with and she broke his heart. He's only had sex with 3 people including me. He also told me that she was like one person outside the bedroom and another person in the bedroom and that it kind of freaked him out. he was intimidated by me at first cause I was so forward about sex but we've been together for a year and a half now and I wouldn't think that would be an issue anymore. He had an ex-girlfriend who he was totally unattracted to and he would have sex with her basically any time he had the chance. Even doing it in mall parking lots. He's never done anything exciting like that with me. I just don't get it. It makes me feel bad about myself, like it's my fault.

[lynn P.]

Hi massgirl,
welcome to PC. I think the clue to this problem is in this statement "He doesn't need the pills when he masturbates, only during sex". Does he look at porn while masturbating? I think this could be 2 things:

1. He has become 'desensitized' to standard sex because he's used to watching more stimulating acts from porn.
2. He simply used to masturbating and doesn't feel the need for sex with a partner - kind of like the la'szy way to fulfill one's needs.

I've read about 'desensitization' from watching too much porn. The fact he doesn't need pills to masturbate and come to orgasm makes me think this is the problem.

[massgirl]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Hi massgirl,
welcome to PC. I think the clue to this problem is in this statement "He doesn't need the pills when he masturbates, only during sex". Does he look at porn while masturbating? I think this could be 2 things:

1. He has become 'desensitized to standard sex because he's used to watching more stimulating act from porn.
2. He simply used to masturbating and doesn't feel the need for sex with a partner - kind of like the lazy way to fulfill one's needs.

I've read about 'desensitization' before from watching too much porn. The fact he doesn't need pills to masturbate and come to orgasm makes me think this is the problem.

He doesn't watch a ton of porn or masturbate a ton. But I agree that it might just be laziness. He masturbates to finish himself off during sex when he can't hold an erection and nothing I seem to do works. Maybe his hand just feels better to him?? I've never met a guy who would rather masturbate than have sex....

[massgirl]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Hi massgirl,
welcome to PC. I think the clue to this problem is in this statement "He doesn't need the pills when he masturbates, only during sex". Does he look at porn while masturbating? I think this could be 2 things:

1. He has become 'desensitized to standard sex because he's used to watching more stimulating act from porn.
2. He simply used to masturbating and doesn't feel the need for sex with a partner - kind of like the lazy way to fulfill one's needs.

I've read about 'desensitization' before from watching too much porn. The fact he doesn't need pills to masturbate and come to orgasm makes me think this is the problem.

Plus I'm the kinky one. I like trying new and exciting things. He's the one who only wants "standard" sex when we do have it. He's not really into trying new things.

[massgirl]

He doesn't seem stressed out or depressed. I know he lost his virginity to an older woman who he was in love with and she broke his heart. He said she was one way outside the bedroom and like an animal in the bedroom which freaked him out at the time. He told me he was intimidated by me when we first started having sex because I'm very forward and sexual and he said it might be because I reminded him of the way she was. But we've been together for a year and a half now and that shouldn't be an issue. Besides the lack of, we do fun things together all the time and really love spending time with each other.

He does watch porn sometimes but really not that often. He doesn't have a lot of time alone at home because of our work schedules. When he loses his erection during sex, he is able to get it back by masturbating and finishing himself off, but that's the only thing that will work in that situation. I'm the one who is adventurous in bed and likes to try new things. He just wants plain old sex when he actually does want it. Also should mention that I'm only the third person he's ever had sex with. He was completely unattracted to his last girlfriend but had sex with her just because he "wanted to get laid so bad". So why with her and not me? He tells me he was completely grossed out by her.

[cass632]

hey. im running into the same problem. my bf doesnt seems to want sex either. we used to be long distance nd we couldnt seem to get it enough. now that ive moved to his state (were 10 mins away), its like twice a month, if that. and he is very greedy, he wont "give me my turn" if you know what i mean.

its really starting to put a rift between us. i feel like maybe our sex isnt good or something...idk. i try but i just cant turn him on. ive never met a man like this...i thought they were supposed to think about it every couple mins or something right?

he is also 2 years younger, and i am his first partner. idk wat to do

[REINE D AMOUR]

hi,sorry for this but he is young and 3 womens only ,it means he has a teenager experience.

[massgirl]

But what does experience have to do with the fact that he has no desire to have sex. There might have only been 2 women before me but we've been together a year and a half!

[massgirl]

When we do have sex, he's not selfish. He does "give me my turn" as the other girl says and he's amazing at it. I don't know. Maybe he has a low testosterone level??

[massgirl]

Also I have no problem turning him on. He just doesn't wanna act on it.

[AkAngel]

The part in quotes is my very first post here at PC:

I’m a 45-year-old man in good health that has never had what I would call a healthy sex drive. Every relationship I’ve ever had has been impacted adversely by my lack of interest in sex. At the risk of being too explicit, I would rather just masturbate, as sex itself seems a bit too much like work. I can get the job done quicker and better by myself than I can with a partner. I am in a relationship now with a woman whom I love beyond my capacity to describe. We have not yet consummated our relationship sexually however, though that day is coming. It is not unusual for me to desire sex at this point in the relationship and this time is no exception, but I fear that my desire will follow the pattern of dropping off soon after the first time.

I’m not sure what else is germane but here’s a few thoughts: I love physical affection in a relationship – holding hands, cuddling, kissing, yet when it leads to sex I am disappointed that the cuddling or kissing is over, not excited that we are moving on. That leads to avoiding physical affection. I am a talented lover and have no problem communicating to my partner what my own likes and dislikes are as well – however, communicating to them that I prefer masturbation to sex with them because it’s too much like work isn’t a good option so please don’t suggest it..:.

I have since begun to see a therapist and while this is not the issue I went to see him about, we have discussed this in more detail which I'll share with you in a moment. First though, I can relate to your bf in many ways. While I don't lose an erection during intercourse, it is certainly not as hard as it is when I masturbate. I too have always been extremely affectionate and loving with my partners and I can make-out and cuddle all day long but when it comes to sex I am not interested. Like your boyfriend has said (and me too in the above quote) it's too much like work.

What I told my T was this: I don't care how talented a woman is or how many kegal reps she can do, her vagina cannot stimulate my penis with the same dexterity and control as she can with her hand. Oral sex probably falls somewhere in the middle for me. So, she is touching me...it feels good. Orgasm stops that feel good. Yes, orgasm does feel good but it is also the end - more so for a man than a woman. I can keep going for my partner, but once I've had an orgasm the only thing in it for me is the pleasure I get from satisfying my partner.

So for me, actual intercourse is the least stimulating of the ways that she can make me feel good. Because the stimulation has limited 'fine motor movement' if you will, it's like using a sledgehammer to open a locked door - gets the job done but a key is better. I have found that for me, a touch that gets me ever closer to orgasm works best. The longer I'm there, the more I want ... closer and closer to the edge... and the hang out there as long as possible. Eventually I am sensitive enough that almost anything can make me orgasm and at that moment - there is no difference between masturbation and intercourse to me, both are equally gratifying.

In my mind what most people do is start foreplay... and about the time it starts to feel good they say, let's get this over with. I know they don't really say that - but intercourse leads to climax which leads to the end. For me it's like going to a four star restaurant and telling them to put it in a to-go box cause you're going to eat it in the car on the way home. If you're in that much of a hurry that you can't stop and enjoy the meal, might as well go through the drive thru at McDonalds... or masturbate.

Good luck.

[massgirl]

Thank you so much AkAngel. This sounds exactly like my situation and explains a lot. Another thing I didn't mention is that I don't orgasm from actual intercourse, only from oral sex so maybe that's in his mind while we're having sex. Thanks for your help!