I'm so confused. Can anyone help?

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I'm looking for someone who can help me understand myself, but I guess I feel doubtful because I think, if I can't understand myself what makes me think someone else could. but I'm taking the chance because I'm at a loss.

I feel like I'm so abnormal all the time. If I wasn't a highschool student, living at home, and without a job, then I would actually consider talking to a professional therapist. but as of now, I couldn't afford one or see one without anyone knowing.

I want to try to explain myself. I've spent a lot of time in my past being suicidal, and now, although I'm not in that environment anymore so I don't have those reasons anymore to be suicidal, I still go through short phases (lasting a few days or a few weeks), where I'll start feeling that same way for no real reason. I make a tiny mistake and suddenly I'll feel like I want to die. I honestly believe that some day in the future, when I do die, it will be of suicide.

But there's a reason why I posted this in the "Sexual and Gender Issues" section. Like, I said I feel so abnormal. so confused. I've have gone through long phases where I thought I was a lesbian, phases where I thought I was asexual, straight, and bi, and even phases where I would have done anything to have been born as a guy instead, I thought for sure that when I became an adult I would get a sex change. And I still go through every single one of those phases, only in more like cycles. And those phases can last for a month, 6 months, or a year, before it changes again. I don't know why I keep changing. Sometimes I think I just obsessed about things so much in my head and that I'm imagining all this. I've never been in a relationship with a guy or a girl. so maybe all this will go away once I do?

And to make things more confusing for myself, I have another problem where I keep having sex with total strangers. It doesn't happen so often that I would I'm addicted or anything, it all really depends on what 'phase' I'm going through which causes me to do that. And so all the time I try to avoid going places alone or anywhere I might end up having sex with a stranger again. I really don't want to get an STD or get pregnant or something. But I really don't know why I find it so HARD to not do it. It's like in the moment I become a different person or something where I forget about all the millions of reasons I had told myself before for why it's bad to have sex with a stranger.

So I guess I'm wondering if anyone has idea how I can control myself better, and help me figure out all this confusing things so I can feel like I at least know who I am.

Hey there,

man, confusion sucks! I'll try to break this down a little, help you get to know yourself better; Never been in a relationship, but go for the casual sex? Strangers allow you to keep a distance, aloow you to keep your guard up; I'm wondering even how often you disclose or open up to people, and your past sexual history. Real relationships make a person vulnerable-they can hurt you. It's one thing if a stranger tells you something, but how do you handle something hurtful that someone close does to you?

How are you at voicing when you get hurt? I'm thinking you hold in a lot of anger; what normally happens when you tell someone you are angry or hurt? Do they listen to you?

The suicide thing must have been a hard time for you fer real, I'm glad you found the strength and courage to get through it. Since you brought it up here, I'm wondering if some of the old thoughts you are having are coming up for you again-doesn't even have to be specifically suicidal, persay-but the things that centered around those thoughts don't just disappear. You may still feel hurt.

As for the phases, I'll be honest, I'm with Freud-I think you are really looking for the care your parents didn't or are not giving you, I'm thinking there is a ton of pain and anger there. I think the phases represent what you need at the time-why guys sometimes, and why do you chose girls? Or none at all? Do you tend to lean towards a preference in certain types of periods in your life?

Course this is all very subjective and I'm assuming an awful lot here,
but thought I'd throw some stuff out there just to get ya thinking about the "why" you do things. I don't think a person can just "stop" thinking about something or carrying out an action before dedicting time to why it's happening and how it all affects you;

Gosh, (((primer))), I hope you are able to find some support as well, it suck trying to sort all this out on your own.

I wish you the best, take care,
-obj

Hi Primer,

Even though it feels confusing, it is really normal to have questions about your sexuality, especially around this time in high school. That being said, I really think you should find a therapist because you mentioned that there have been times you have felt suicidal. I know it is easy to brush of and say "well, I'm feeling OK now." But it points to something just not being right. You obviously have some anger / hurt /sadness that is down deep... Thing is to figure out why. This is what therapists are for. You deserve to feel better (not have this kind of emotional pain). Even if you can handle it sometimes it is good to have someone to turn to to help you handle it if things do get bad and you feel worse. It is helpful to have a safe place to work on these questions.

this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but trust me when i say that teen years are supposed to be kinda confusing, you go through stuff you never did before, its like your body is trying to keep up with your brain, but your brain doesnt know where its going yet, so , yeah, its crazy. but you will get through it.. just be sure you dont do stuff that 'sounds good at the time', like sex with strangers, because what you do now, will last later. like STDs.. pregnant.. you really dont want that..
it sounds like your trying to sleep with strangers hoping one will finnaly 'make sense' in your head, but it doesnt work like that. you will find yourself, but its something you have to grow into. im 43 and i still dont know whats going on in myself, what makes sense to me doesnt to anybody else, so then you question yourself, but never fnd an answer..
yeah, sometimes we dont grow out of it, but please belive me when i say the teen years are the very hardest you'll ever have to deal with. just dont do anything now that will hurt you later..good luck

That reminds me of myself. I put on a catholic hat one month, then replaced it with one for druidism the next. I redefined the world I lived in and even myself, trying to find myself, my own identity, and I think that's what you're doing, too.

You know, this time now, trying all these things, well, I think you are going to find that this time will be of great value to you down the road. Experiencing so many different "hats" will allow you to relate to other people and their viewpoints once you find your stable center. To step into their shoes, as it were, much easier.

The sex, yeah, that is not a good thing. If I were to ask you what you got out of that, would you be able to say?

Well, whatever the reason is, there are a few tricks you can try to make it harder on yourself to do something stupid. Like not shave your legs. Gawd, how embarassing, amirite Or wear something you wouldn't want anyone to see in a million billion years.

haha, bridger is right, ive heard of not shaving legs, but mine dont get hairy, i just dont take a shower for a few days, that keeps my dad back..but it sure makes you not want anybody close. theres also, wear ripped underwhere, ( im trying to add a smile into this, dont think im too cr4azy here) most of all, dont overthink yourself, you'll be fine, give yourself a chance!!