[novemberhearts]

I'm a girl, but I never grew up "feeling" like a girl or a boy, I just felt like me. I paid no attention to gender, not even when I grew into my teens. But as I got older, my family would constantly make "joking" remarks like "You walk like a guy." "You stand like a guy." "You sit like a guy" "God, you act like a guy" "You have such a guy sense of humour", and I realised they were right. And whenever my dad talks about something or complains about something, I realise it's a lot easier for me to relate/sympathise with him than with women.

And for awhile now, whenever I go into a clothing store, I wish I could be wearing the men's clothes instead of the womens, because I prefer how they look, and I get so depressed/envious. And I wish I could cut my hair like a guy's, because I prefer their styles. But I can't do any of that, because my family would freak out (especially my dad), even though it's their fault I started to realise that I'd rather be a guy than a girl. I always wished I never had breasts, too, from the moment they started growing. I hated them.

I don't feel like a guy, though. But I don't feel like a girl, either. I just feel like myself, but I know I'd rather look like a guy. It's so frustrating. I also know it's partlybecause I find men super attractive (alongside the whole acting-like-a-guy thing), so I'd love to look like one. I just wish I could without any consequences, because this is really eating at me.

[novemberhearts]

As an add-on to my original post:
I should probably add that when I was younger and I'd play dolls with my sister, I always preferred to play the male ones, and even now when I roleplay online and write stories, I prefer to play male characters and write from a male point of view. I'm also much more comfortable saying I'm male on forums/websites/etc, when I'm actually not, and occasionally I actually get my sister to tell people I'm her brother. A lot of people on other websites think I'm male when they talk to me, as well, without even knowing my gender initially.

I feel so confused. I really wish I could be a guy, and I'd feel so much more comfortable with myself if I was, but everyone I know wouldn't accept it.

[hanners]

*BIG HUGS*

I went through a lot of this myself, only the other way around.

I started transition about 6 years ago, and am now living as myself. There's a process for your direction as well, if you are considering transition.

Wow...you left it difficult for speculation to prevail lol ...cause the wanting to dress like a guy...then finding guys hott...hmm....maybe just a bit of a classic tomboy? Idk.I am tempted to say you were male in a past life ...but thats such a controversial issue for those who don't agree with numerology,and by profession,that's what I am. You won't find many people who hold my views in that realm lol.Ahh well....just food for thought lol(((((Hanners & Novemberhearts))))))May happiness prevail in your hearts whichever form it takes on!

[sugahorse1]

Some of us are tomboys. Seeing as you find guys attractive, maybe just go with the flow of being a tomboy and finding a guy you like.
It's an interesting path to walk, but make sure you aim to get to the bottom of who you really are. Forget society norms and just be honest with yourself.

LOL...Suga...I always make my replies waaay more complicated than necessary lol.

[sugahorse1]

Not at all Wolfsong - it's just a different viewpoint

[rainbow74]

Hi novemberhearts, welcome to PC.

I've just read this and the other post in Autism/Aspergers forum.

It sounds very much to me that you're Gender Disphoric, which would explain why you feel there is something else more wrong than 'just' depression and anxiety.
If the only reason that is stopping you doing something about this is family and friends, believe me that is a very bad move as it will constantly eat at you until you do do something about it.
Also you just don't know how your parents or friends will react until you do tell them. If your friends do abandon you, well, that says a lot more about them than it does of you.

Do you see a psychiatrist? If so, tell them, if not go to your GP instead. Even if you don't end up transitioning, at the very least you will know that you're not crazy!

Finally, remember that you are not being selfish by trying to be happy, and that there are people that do understand.

Rainbow

[Perna]

Some of what you like I think you can do; I've often gone to the barber shop for a haircut :-) and I wear pants and, when I was dating a certain man 25-30 years ago, I loved his cologne so now wear it as my own sometimes (my husband's clueless, but I dare say likes the scent since it's one a man would choose for himself :-)

Other than that, I would probably go see a counselor and talk to them for awhile and explore your past, present, and who you are in yourself and what you like and how to make the two work for you.

[Don't touch me]

I have the same thing novemberhearts! Except with me I constantly have to remind myself, "Wait.. I'm a girl!" I always roleplay and write about guys online and stuff. My difference is that I think boys and girls are attracted. I don't know what the heck is up with me.

[novemberhearts]

Thanks for your responses everyone.

To those of you who think I'm a tomboy because I'm attracted to men:
This is a bit personal, but when you fantasize (sexually) do you picture yourself as a man or a woman? I always picture myself as a man. I could be a tomboy, but my craving and strong desire to actually be a guy makes me think otherwise. I'm not happy as I currently am, but I would be more than happy and comfortable having a male body. The way I see it, I never thought about it when I was younger because I was just used to what I had, but as soon as the idea was planted in my head I realised I wasn't happy physically being a girl.

I heard somewhere that "who you want to go to bed as, and who you want to sleep with, are two different things" so I don't think my sexual tastes should even factor into it, because I want to go to bed as a man. Also, I'm not straight, I'm bisexual, I just happen to think men are amazing/I'd love to be one, so I find myself more interested in them over women.

To everyone else:
I have a pretty good idea how my family would react. My aunt came out as a lesbian a few years ago, and she dresses herself in a male way, and everyone in my family (except for my sister/best friend) constantly makes nasty remarks about her and treats her like she's an alien. I'm mostly worried about my dad, because he's really unaccepting, and he's also old and has epilepsy, so he'll be needing someone to take care of him, which is going to be me, and I don't want to push him closer to the grave by doing something selfish like transitioning to a guy, because I know it would have a major impact on his life and his relationship with me (even though he already treats me like I'm his son, but he'd freak if I decided to actually to be his son).

Basically it comes down to: should I be selfish and ruin the few relationships I have in my life, or not?

I was considering dressing up as a guy temporarily to see how they reacted to it, and if it was negative then I wouldn't continue.

[sugahorse1]

I'm a tomboy and dress mainly in sneakers and jeans. But I still consider myself a woman.
There are situations where people really just feel they are born in the wrong gender body. A psychologist is a good place to start speaking and understanding yourself

I dunno if you should consider it a selfish act on your part to act on such a deep part of who you are.I think that basically,the need to be what you feel so deep in your heart and embrace it is an act of self acceptence.It doesn't come from a desire to injure those you love and care for.If the other aspects of your relationships/interactions are built on strong characteristics and values ...they should be supportive.I think if you choose to embrace this need/desire within....and you reassure others...hey this is still me,I still love you...they will come around.Those who don't...tell them ,I'm sorry you feel that way...but I feel ok with my choice and still care for you.I don't think this is a shallow need/thought/desire you have.It sounds much much deeper than that.Can you see a therapist to assist you in working through the concerns you feel for your friends/families reaction/feelings?I think you have a genuine issue that has always been inside struggling.You need some objective support.Be well and let us know how you are .WO.olf Also Forgive me for the 'tomboy' mention....I think I was walking thru possible ways to explain my interpretation of what I read,and had I looked closer ,I would have noticed that your feelings run much deeper than that.

[Soul Quake]

Maybe establishing communication with your aunt if she's trustworthy would be a good idea.

It's odd that you are equating being yourself with selfishness. Ultimately, living for you and being comfortable in your own skin is of utmost importance. Having such a taxing issue weigh on you day in and day out will ultimately take a toll on your relationships anyhow. The answer may lie in something as simple as making a pros and cons list.