No more desire...

So my boyfriend and I got into a massive fight a few weeks ago and I about left. This is basically his last chance or I'm out. Well it's been a really good 3 weeks. He has been keeping up with the things he said he would, has started making me dinner, took me out to dinner last night and has overall been really sweet to me.

But I don't find myself sexually attracted to him now. Like I don't feel anything if we kiss and I can't force myself to be in the mood for sex.

I know it's gotta be from the last fight we had. But I'm wondering if it will ever come back? Did that fight kill my attraction to him forever?

Something's broken. Our desire is often more than simple physical response. Possibly your emotional connection to him suffered. It must have been bad, if even though the fight stopped, and he is acting ok, you still feel hurt.

I don't believe it needs to be forever.

If you haven't had sex with him since, paradoxically that is the very thing that possibly may mend the rift, thanks to that wonderful love hormone oxytocin. Explain this to him and ask for his help. Let him do something like maybe he'd do for you on a special day: long, creative foreplay, maybe some oil and massage. And you just relax, don't try to make yourself reciprocate, the idea is to let him be an attentive, gentle and patient lover, wooing you body to respond. Once it does, well do what feels good, aiming for your full satisfaction.

Many years ago.....in a life time long ago & far away before I got married to my husband in 1975, I had an issue with the way he handled his ability to be responsible. We were both in college....I was still getting my degree, he got his degree & felt the bank he was working for owed him a programming job because he had worked for them & got his degree, but his GPA wasn't acceptable. He bragged about his IQ, but had an attitude about applying it. He felt that he never had to do anything that was beneath him & his arrogance caused him to feel so much smarter than the professors (when in reality he wasn't). I didn't see the attitude until the job situation & it just really turned me off so bad I wanted to NOT GET MARRIED.....but my Mother kept telling me, "he's such a nice guy & he's young (23), he'll grow up & become responsible when he has to & the invitations for the wedding are already sent out." Needless to say, my respect for him was non-existent at that point & unfortunately, throughout our marriage, he never did grow up to be responsible & was always fighting me on responsible issues in the marriage. He never did anything to make my respect for him grow.....but seemed to contantly be doing things to cause me to have less & less respect. I couldn't love someone I didn't respect & having sex with someone I didn't love was miserable & basically impossible....just enough to end up having one child. Know that bringing her into our miserable marriage was seriously a bad idea & has caused her no end of problems in her life.

My husband was a nice person. He would do nice things that were the right things to do but really NOT our of his heart, but he was just horribly irresponsible to the point where I have finally left him & realized after 33 years that I never did love him because I never did respect him. Only was able to realize this after I was able to get away from him & able to really see the truth about the situation.

What I am saying is that the fight you had might have caused a huge issue with your respect of him & even though he's doing nice things for you now, there may be something broken in the respect end of your relationship......which effects the real feeling of loving the person & without loving the person, sex is NOT possible for most people as the attraction comes from loving the person & from respecting them.

I know that if my husband had shown responsibility, I would have come to respect him as a good husband.....I was open to looking for it & trying to give him every possible opportunity to prove himself.....but it never happened. I ended up hiding in my career after we ended up having our daughter & it wasn't until I lost my career that the marriage situation became a serious issue.

There may be something more under the nice things that your BF is doing for you that you need to get in touch with.....if there isn't anything other than that....TIME WILL HEAL. Time can heal any problem if the other person is willing to work on what is really the problem....surface problems are the easiest to fix.....deeper problems are definitely much more difficult when it come to attitudes & personalities. Important to really be in touch with WHAT IS bothering you so you will know what you need to do......work on the relationship, or leave......but you have to know how important the things are that are bothering you also & just how seriously they do effect the relationship & your feelings toward your BF.

Wishing you the best with this & hope that all will work out well for you both.

I wish I could edit my post, but I can't, no Edit button.. too much time has passed?

I want to add a clarification, because after a while I realized what I have written is not good. I would never be asking anyone to subject themselves to sex when they don't want. That would be just soooo wrong.

I should have left it at mentioning the fact that oxytocin tends to stimulate loving emotions and is seen are beneficial in relationship building (it also is a hormone secreted when a woman is breast feeding, btw, and strengthens the bond with the baby) and leave it up to you whether you want to do anything with that tidbit of data or not. To go beyond that was uncalled for. Please forgive me.

I was trying to suggest that perhaps organizing a romantic evening and gentle foreplay may help feelings between you, but I am afraid it came across quite badly.

Sunna, I just wanted to let you know that in my opinion, there was nothing wrong with your first post. I have heard that sex is like eating. If you don't eat, you don't want to do eat (this is how we can go all day and forget to eat). And it's the same with sex. Sometimes you do have to just do it and once you start doing it, you'll start to enjoy it, and then you get back on track.

I understood where you were coming from and I just wanted to let you know that I don't think you were as out of line as you thought you were. But that is also just my opinion and others could be thinking completely differently.

I also realize that Saluki said she can't force herself to get in the mood for sex, so perhaps this isn't an option for her right now. Saluki, maybe you need to try things like cuddling, holding hands, and long hugs. Make little connections throughout the day.

Sunna....I understood and didn't take your post offensively or anything. I understand where you're coming from. It's like...if I'm not in the mood and it doesn't happen for a little while, eventually I forget about it all together. And I kinda have to force myself to be in the mood and, once I do, I want it regularly again.

Well......about a week ago we kissed for the first time. It was nice but I didn't want to take it any further and he was fine with that. He has taken me to dinner a couple times and we have cuddled several times.

Yesterday we had sex for the first time since our fight (over 3 weeks ago) and it felt better than I expected. I was really scared that we would start and it would feel just wrong. Actually I was terrified. I was so scared that I would feel disgusted or something half way through but I didn't.

Afterwards we went to the bar to play pool with some friends and it was the first time in a while that we went out, had fun the whole night and nothing went wrong at all. I think it was good to start over from square one.

I slept in a different bed for a while. So it was kinda like starting dating again. We have actually been having a lot of fun lately. He has been talking a lot more and opening up more. Hopefully it sticks and he keeps it up. Seems like he is in a lot better mood when he gets things off his chest (makes sense).

Thanks everyone. I felt a lot better just getting it off my chest, y'know? Thanks for your input eskie. I appreciate your story and it feels good to know that I'm not the only one. I mean, I know I'm not, but "hearing" it makes a difference.