Help- I'm tired of my self-protective instinct ruining the moment!

I've been with my husband for over 7 years. I'm physically under-developed in my vulvar vestibule, vagina, and uterus. This has always caused sex to be exquisitely painful. But in the beginning I didn't know I had a physical abnormality, I just knew that sex HURT. In my ignorance, I figured "Oh, this must be why guys are more into sex than girls!" (It never occurred to me that I might be made wrong.) After about a year of sex as an act of giving and gritting my teeth, my husband noticed. Long years of psychotherapy and doctors commenced. I had two surgeries. I was told I'd have to dilate every day to keep my body from returning to its natural too-small state.

My psychotherapist made great strides in reformatting my thinking about sex, and keeping me from retreating into myself at the first kiss, touch, or hint of passion. I've accomplished all this with great support from my husband. But we've moved far away from that doctor and there's still one hurdle to overcome, and we're stuck. Insertion.

No matter how comfortable and safe I feel, no matter how passionate the moment is, the moment of insertion still chills my insides. It's as natural and reactive as throwing your hands up to protect your face if something was coming at you. I stop thinking about sex and immediately switch to self-preservation mode. I can't quite figure out how to rid myself of this old knee-jerk reaction of terror, even though it's no longer necessary. My husband sees my fear of him, and it makes him feel upset and guilty and worried for me. The moment is ruined.

Prescribed dilation happens more often than sex, and that experience is unfailingly painful even though I have numbing ointment... so that is probably only reinforcing my fears that insertion = pain. But that is necessary, and there's really no getting around it. If the dilator wasn't hurting me, then it would just be my husband hurting me again. Do you all have any suggestions for overcoming this reaction? We'd really appreciate it, thank you very much!

I'm sorry you're experiencing this problem. Was your husband your first experience and this is how you discovered you had this problem? It would be good if you could get some specific counseling(sex) to help you and husband. I'm sure you've been told to use water based lubricants and try different positions, particularly where you're on top and in control of the movement. You can also get specific chronic pain therapy. Here's some sites you may have read already.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pai...course/DS01044

http://www.merckmanuals.com/home/sec...50/ch250b.html

The above site mentioned an experimental Botox treament to relax the muscles. Learning how to manage the pain and mentally learning how to relax your body during the pain will help. I included a quote below. When you have pain or even the thought of getting the pain again, will result in you tightening up. The goal is to be as relaxed as possible and breath through the pain. You can even mentally remind youself that you're going to be fine and not all pain causes damage. Its important the doctors treating you are knowledgable with this problem. I hope it gets better for you and your husband.

"Botulinum toxin Some Trade Names
BOTOX
(a bacterial toxin used to paralyze muscles or to treat wrinkles) may be given to deaden the pain nerves but is currently considered experimentalbacterial toxin used to paralyze muscles or to treat wrinkles) may be given to deaden the pain nerves but is currently considered experimental"

Thank you very much, especially for the links! I will be sure to check out those sites. Specific chronic pain therapy sounds like it may hold some potential.

No unfortunately there was one guy before my husband. I told him about the pain repeatedly, but he always dismissed it, saying that with girls it's just like that. I discovered later that at the time I was also having reactions to the latex in the condoms, so that wasn't helping! But I've had tons of therapy over that guy already, so hopefully I'm good there. :crosses fingers:

Thanks for your time and caring- God bless you!