easier to be with men

Hello.

I am experiencing high anxiety at the moment.

Dane and I are going thru a divorce right now.

I have come out again as a lesbian.

I have a friend who is older than me. We can't have s because it is not physically possible for her to do so.

But we have very strong feelings for each other.

Anyway, I am posting this because as a survivor of abuse by a woman, my primary caregiver growing up, I am even more afraid of being intimate with a woman than with a man.

Women ( esp. my caregiver; aunt) have been more able to get to my core than men, in my lifetime. I am even more scared of making women friends than I am of dating.

So, this is hard.

Yesterday, my woman friend tried to talk to me and tell me not to be so afraid and I got even more afraid.

I feel like women have more of an ability to get deeper inside me than men.

I cannot deny my gayness, but I want to stuff down my gayness because of this fear. Not of my gayness, but of being intimate with women!

Billi

okay, billi,

congratulations on coming out. i am sorry to hear of the divorce but, as you know, you have to be true to yourself. though male and gay, i am also a survivor of child abuse by a woman. i continue to have difficulty in my relationships with women. i seem to be a sucker for abuse. i understand your fear of relationships and gayness. my only recommendation is that you go slowly and seek therapy. end your current relationship first. proceed slowly with your lesbian relationship - that way you can develop trust. the effects of childhood abuse are devastating. but, some of us can still succeed in relationships. and, you have met someone special(!!). proceed at your own speed and, all the best to you!

thanks.

My current relationship has ended; divorce proceedings going, Dane is gone, and I think I almost went to De on the rebound. But I realized what was happening. I ended *that* yesterday. She and I are still friends and we visit, but I have given up romantic stuff now until I heal.

I am seeing a therapist now, ordered by my new doctor; I hope I can talk to him about s*x; so far I can't. I tried to bring it up last week and I sensed he was uncomfortable, so I may have to comb for another therapist who can deal with it. Also, my mentor has been extremely supportive; he is also gay and he has also given up s*x until he is better.

Billi

thanks for the progress report. i sense you might be more comfortable with a woman therapist. the purpose of seeing a therapist is to talk about your life so that it improves. if you and your current therapist are not comfortable speaking about s*x, then you need to find another because this is the reason why you are seeing the therapist in the first place. hang in there!

I remember you Billi! Its been a while since I've been on this site but I'm sorry to hear what happened, but glad that you came out. This is a new chapter in your life for sure, and I hope it goes well.

Billi,

i was abused as a child and have major trust issues with most people because i open myself up so much to stimuli, a lot gets in. one thing that has helped me with interpersonal relationships is that there is always a light on the other side of the tunnel and sometimes what we fear most, is what will make us the happiest.

i learned a while back that my greatest fear, could be yours too, is outside the comfort zone of pain inflicted. now you may be into pain, and if you are i hope it makes you happy (stay strong!). if you're not, then realizing that on the other side you may find complete freedom from pain can be fearful as we were (i was) impressed with realities akin to not deserving freedom, not deserving real love. full love, love you can completely open up to is a scary thing, but you can do it. you know why? you deserve to be loved and your abusers were messed up and probably suffering from their own pain, i know mine did.

find your freedom, and if you want to go back and forth and practice opening up to women- i opened up my email from fellow site members.

RuthAnnMarie

thanks.

One of my aunt's favorite ways of verbally abusing me was implying to me, continually, that all I did was annoy people and I stayed ahead of that by isolating and pushing people away.

You are right. There is another way, and it leads out of this self-made prison.

Billi

I really wish I could handle a romantic relationship.

Things might have been good with De.

And I dont ' want to be on the rebound.

Wishing you the best this journey has to offer.