Was I normal?

I am suffering from depression for a secret I have kept, and I can't seem to cope with it. It is embarassing but I need help.

Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was very sexual. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing his 'lower half' against my bare groin to pleasure myself (who does that??!!!) I was already aware of my sexuality so I don't think this was childhood curiousity. About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as others have thought this has been the root cause of my issue.

First of all, was rubbing it against my groin the way I did considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. A couple therapists I have talked to said that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset, and still unable to fully believe them. My BIGGEST concern is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty and that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a young girl. But is 12 even considered a child? Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing??)

it sounds like you have punished yourself enough about this and it is time to let it go. one of the aspects of sexual abuse is asking if the other party - in this case, your cat - was harmed by the event. it doesn't appear that they were harmed at all.

one of the aspects of youth is that we all have done things in that period of our lives that we regret. so the question is - did we learn from our mistake or have we continued to repeat our mistakes. frankly, it appears that you have learned from your mistake and, it's time to put it in its proper perspective. no one was harmed but a lesson is sexual appropriateness was learned. please stop punishing yourself.

I'll go a step further and call it sexual exploration. Something felt good and you enjoyed it. Nothing wrong with a teenager exploring. You didn't do anything wrong. It's ok, you can stop punishing yourself. Many, many young people have had a sexual experience or fantasy with an animal. You were young. It's ok.

I agree with all said. Jacko, it's been (according to your post) eleven years, and it sounds like you have put yourself through enough for it. There is no need for it. You were 12 years old. You were at the a completely normal phase of your life. As said, something felt good, so you did it, and at that age, that is something that's done. You said it yourself, you didn't consider it sex then. So why would it be?

You should let this go. This has haunted you for far too long, it seems. You were a child. As far as people knowing, I'd tell you it's really none of their business anyway. No one is going to find out unless you tell them, and that is completely up to you. You're not "hiding" anything by not telling them. To be really, really blunt...you masturbated. Most people -wouldn't- really want to share a story involving them doing that. It's private.

So please Jacko, let this go. Don't torment yourself with this. You didn't do anything wrong. It's not worth worrying yourself with, and certainly not worth depression or suicide. Nothing is, in the form of the latter. So let this go, and enjoy that wonderful life you described for us.

My best to you, and good luck.

There were some good ideas that came before me so I will try to avoid redundancy, but one comment stood out that I would like to second. As youngsters most people are just beginning to find their way, sexually, and in every other thing. My first real sexual experiences were with other males. For years I agonized about that and whether it was "normal." Although I would not necessarily advertise some of the things I did, I have learned to accept that period of time as a phase I was going through. As a matter of fact, if I had to do things over again, I would probably have do even more. So, as someone else said, let it go. You are not the same person anymore anyway. I certainly would not beat yourself up over it.

Thanks to all for your replies and positivity. For some unknown reason, the fact that I feel like i'm 'hiding' something really, really bothers me. I constantly think: "What if they knew what I did??! They wouldn't like me anymore, they'd think I'm disgusting and weird." Even though I was 12! I try to tell myself that I was 12, that I was a kid, that kids are kids and our actions as kids don't really matter as adults, providing we are normal adults. It seems that I can rationalize it properly, but it just doesn't stick. Any advice on how to make it stick?

well, jacko558 - i can't really agree that you're hiding it. after all, you posted this "secret" here for discussion and plenty of people have read your posting and several have commented on it. so, it's no longer a secret by any means.

it sounds like the problem may not be guilt but actually a case of "unwanted thoughts." i've had unwanted thoughts since childhood. sometimes, when they rear their ugly head, i just tell them to shut up or to go away! they are just a bother. in a sense, we can pick and choose our thoughts by acknowledging those that do us good and not acknowledging those that harm us. identify these thoughts as those that are harming and do your best to not engage them when they pop up. you can actually get help with this by studying meditation techniques. another way to deal with it is to actually replace old tapes that keep running in your head with new experiences. so, get busy and meet someone nice! by doing so, you will replace a lot of bad thoughts in your head with new, happy ones! all the best to you!

Unhappyguy said it pretty well. Granted, we don't personally know you, and none of us are going to trace your username or something James Bond-esque like that, so it might feel different from discussing it with people you know in person, but you did indeed tell us. And no one here thought you were weird or gross, now did they?

I'd wager very safely that your friends all probably have a story they could relate about something along these lines they did when they discovered themselves. Neither you nor they are hiding something by not relating that story. Like I said, it's personal. You shouldn't feel obligated for that to be known.

So like I said Jacko, please try to let this go. You're a perfectly normal young woman with nothing to be ashamed of.