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  #1  
Old Oct 04, 2012, 08:02 PM
kh87 kh87 is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
I'm 24 years old and am writing to you since I see no other way out and really need serious help. I see that you have helped out other people in distress and this is my attempt to get help.

I was in love with a guy and we were together for a long time . He was "The one", a nice, down to earth guy , sensible , warm-hearted and charming. I thought we were getting married to each other. But it all changed when he went away to another country and a long distance relationship was all it took to tear us apart. I guess the signs were there ever since the beginning. He never made me feel secure and I have insecurity issues , maybe for lack of a strong father figure in my life. HE would deliberately try to make me jealous since he believed that too much of something could help one get over the issue and cross the hurdle. He stopped being communicative and blamed it on stress. Even indicated he was "fed-up"with my narration of my problems. I never knew he had problems of his own, grave ones . So when I asked him what he has in mind for us .. he said he couldn't commit to me .. and did not even know if he loved me ! That just broke me inside and i felt very very let down .My worst fears had come true. I became so weak and dependent on anyone i came across , be it a roommate or a cousin . And cried all the time. And was not strong enough to leave him either. Well, during this time , in a drunken state once , i slept with a college friend , who had nothing good in his intentions for me. Turns out he was only looking for a one night stand. I was shocked at what I did myself , with guilt eating my conscience and self-loathe at its peak. I told my then boyfriend about it and obviously , we broke up. In a pathetic attempt to save the relationship I lied to him about it after i told him and said it did not happen During this period he confessed to me that he did in fact love me and i figured in his plan for the future and agreed that he neglected me and should have probably treated me right in the relationship.. But soon enough , was compelled to tell him the truth because I did not feel like i deserved his love. This sealed the death of our relationship since he doesn't trust me anymore . I still struggle with the guilt and self hate over this whole thing.

After this painful beak up , i met a best friend to get away from all this and get stronger mentally. A common friend that I met , fell in love with me .And so did I . We had a mad crazy connection . so strong that even our dreams synced with each other . (This is verified because he told me what he dreamed of before I did. ) Call it a co-incidence but it was incredible. When we made love it was the most fulfilling emotion since he loved me and was so involved emotionally during and after. He would just hug me for beautiful long minutes after sex. When there was literally no barrier between us. We traveled everywhere, biked together , he even told his parents about me and that he wanted to marry me. I had never experienced an intimate close relationship before this. I was very very secure and lit was one of the reasons i loved him so much. But his parents gave him a hard time about it since we don't belong to the same caste (Yes, I'm Indian) . And that broke away just as quickly as it had come, for no fault of my own this time. Two painful breakups one after the other.

Now comes the part which disturbs me and i really need help with.

I masturbate. And as hard it is for me to admit it, I am. I feel disgust about myself . Especially because it makes me feel weak and powerless. Am I addicted to it ? I don't know. I hope secretly that I am not. Well , whenever I use a penetration to orgasm , I cry uncontrollably after. Its simply so sad. Maybe because it brings back all those memories ? I don't know. That doesn't happen if I only use stimulation. What is wrong with me ??

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  #2  
Old Oct 04, 2012, 09:31 PM
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Harley47 Harley47 is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2012
Location: North Carolina, USA
Posts: 1,957
Hi there KH. I hope I can be of some help.

Firstly, please let me say that I am sorry your relationship with the guy in the first paragraph went so poorly. I don't think it is good for you to hold this guilt over your head though. When a relationship ends on such rough terms, coming to terms with the unexpected loss of such an emotionally significant aspect is very difficult. I think your college "friend" took advantage of your emotional state...a state that wasn't entirely "you," you know? I think it is best for you to let the guilt go KH...we all make mistakes, it's a part of life. The best you can do is learn from your mistake, and move on with life.

I am especially sorry over the second relationship...you spoke very powerfully over how you felt for him, and I could almost feel that in your post. I confess, I am rather ignorant of the Indian caste system (I live in the United States), and I hope you will pardon that ignorance, as I can't incorporate what I don't fully understand into a response. With that in mind...is he as an option totally out of the question? Are you and him still on good (if any) terms? I do understand at the very least that the castes are an important aspect, but I don't comprehend to what extent. Again, please forgive me of that.

However KH, I would tell you that you're still a young woman, and you have plenty of time to find "the one." Just don't lose hope...it's only when you lose the hope to find him and quit trying that the opportunity is lost to you.

As far as the masturbation goes, I would tell you that it is perfectly and 100% okay, and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I do understand (rather well this time too ) that there is a huge variance among cultures over the "taboo" status of masturbation, but speaking practically, I think you would be incredibly hard pressed to find someone who doesn't. I do think you might have a hard time finding someone who admits to it, but admittance doesn't mean it isn't done. There is absolutely no need to feel disgusted with yourself...you are a young woman in her prime, and this is a perfectly natural part of life. You are completely normal.

I would hazard a guess and suggest that the crying may be a response to the break ups, particularly if the memory is still fresh. Additionally, it isn't going to help if you feel guilty every time you masturbate. Try to understand that the connection you felt with your significant others isn't lost to you...it's just not there right now. You can find it again. Don't let the natural pain of a breakup evolve into despair and depression. You deserve better than that.

I hope I was of some help KH. I wish you my absolute best, and I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

My best,
Harley
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The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte
  #3  
Old Oct 05, 2012, 11:11 AM
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Mike_J Mike_J is offline
Infamous Vampire Duck
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Member Since: Dec 2009
Location: Mid West
Posts: 12,742
I think that there is nothing wrong with someone masturbating.

I do think you badly by several men, and that can have some lasting effects. But you shouldn't feel that all men are that way.

You have no reason to feel guilty or "disgusted" by your actions, yea easy for me to say that, not so easy for you to believe it in your heart.

Do you have a therapist, or someone you can talk to about this.
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“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. ... We need not wait to see what others do.” Gandhi
  #4  
Old Oct 05, 2012, 04:23 PM
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JLarissaDragon JLarissaDragon is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 898
I would not worry too much about the masturbation part. Sex with a man you love is far more fulfilling and provides far more pleasure at least in my opinion . I agree that you should not judge all men from one or two experiences. There are good men out there who will care about you. Expect them to treat you decently and with honor. You are no one's property
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