[lostgman]

My wife and I are having some sexual issues. We have always had a strong sexual chemistry between us and a well above average sex life. Recently, she started dealing with her CSA issues. It has turned our world upside down. She is struggling in a major way and has had to make adjustments at home and work just to make it through the day. In couples therapy she expressed the need to keep some things in her life normal....specifically our sex life. I know it probably seems odd....but the problem is mine not hers.

I've been trying my best to be strong and understanding and comforting. I know it's not physical....all she has to do is look at me and I want her.....and it ummm shows. It's mental. I'm not sure if she remembers, but when we first started therapy together she told me that our sex life (me) was a trigger for her but that it was ok because she could handle it....she had it under control. I never let it bother me but it stuck in the back of my mind. Now, I'm scared. I feel like I'm damed if I do and I'm damed if I don't. On the one hand, I don't want her to think I don't want her....that her past has changed the way I feel about her...or anything like that. I do want her...I love her and she knows that. On the other hand, I don't want to trigger her.....I'm not really sure if she can handle it anymore....I don't want to be the reason she goes over the edge. It would crush me. I want to be with her.....but I can't. I feel selfish for letting my fears take over.

I think I'm really screwing up here and I don't know what to do.

Gman

[Harley47]

Hey Gman. I hope I can help.

Try not to kick yourself too hard. Your intentions, I think, are incredibly noble and selfless. Understand, as you said, it's not that you don't want her, it's that you're afraid of hurting her. Yes, that does indeed put you into a bit of a catch 22, but there isn't I don't think so much of a problem as there is a slight lack of communication. That can be fixed. You certainly aren't screwing up. You're just trying to help your wife as best you can.

Why not try talking to her about it? Explain that you know that sex to her is a trigger, and that you've been less interested (so to speak) out of fear of hurting her. I don't think she'd be upset with you for that. Just do be sure you don't word it (not that I'm saying you would intentionally by any means) so that it makes her feel like she messed up by letting you know. I can't stress enough that I don't think you'd do that (I've seen your posts, and I'd chalk you up as a good man ). I simply mean to advise to approach it delicately.

You're not screwing up at all Gman. You're just trying to do be there for you wife, it sounds like. Sometimes, the best of intentions have unintended consequences. But that's part of being human, right?

My best to the both of you, and I am keeping you both in my prayers.

Hugs,
Harley

[Open Eyes]

I would say that you have "normal" concerns about this part of your relationship. Oh, you are such a dear, and your wife is so lucky. I don't think you are screwing up at all, you clearly love your wife and you want to "respect" her healing. I think that you will have to find a time to talk about this with her and be honest with your wife and see what she says to you. Keep in mind that your wife does love you and you are not the person that "hurt" her, you are a man she could "trust". It is important that you let her know that her history has not changed how you feel about her in all the ways you feel about her and that you want to respect her.

You can even talk to her therapist about this and see what she thinks as well. This history has just really been coming to the surface and your wife has finally opened up, so it is difficult to say how she will respond to love making right now.

I think that it is important that she knows that her history has not changed how you feel about her as I mentioned, but you also don't want to presure her either. It is also important that she let you know if there are any things you may do that trigger her so you can respect her and "avoid" those behaviors.

(((I think you are a nice man))))
Open Eyes

[lostgman]

Ahhhh theres that evil T word..."talking". I knew that was going to be the answer. My communication skills suck. It took me a week to gain the courage just to post this. Ask me about fishing, hiking, football...my kids.....I can handle that. Ask me to actually talk about my feelings...Houston, we have a problem. I thought about maybe a letter or email...but that just seems cold. You're both right...I don't want to hurt...it's my job to protect her. My lack of communication skills makes me feel like I'm falling down on the job.

The subject came up again today and I was able to get out that it's not you, it's me. I got the please elaborate look...but I started shutting down. The shrink saved my butt and asked my wife if it would be ok if she and I spoke before we got back into this. My wife agreed. That's an appointment I'm not looking forward to.

In my mind, this was supposed to go the opposite way. I'm supposed to be here complaining about my wife not wanting me to touch her....months down the road.

Harley, I know this talk will have to happen soon...I will do my best to choose my words wisely.

Open Eyes, you been talking to my shrink? Just kidding. I will see what she has to say. I'm pretty sure she is already set to address this issue with me.

Thank you both.

Gman

[Open Eyes]

(((lostgman))),

Well, in this situation especially, I feel that "all" men struggle. I would have to say that from the woman's standpoint, most women want the man to be "gentle and kind and understanding". And if the woman "does" try to have intimacy, I think that one of the ways that she may become "hesitant" is that it will just be thought of as "ok we can get back to a regular schedule". And that is "not" the way a woman typically wants it to happen. So, many times the woman will "avoid" because you are right, it is a very difficult thing to discuss. And, while I don't know your wife, I would safely say that with her finally addressing all the emotions about this difficult history, she probably doesn't know how to feel about being intimate. It is different now, it's not about "pretending" anymore or whatever way she had been able to be intimate.

I am not even sure your wife would know how to talk about it right now either. It is probably something that is "confusing" to her as well. That is why it probably would be better to find out from the therapist where your wife's thoughts are right now.

The one thing I would say is to make sure you hug your wife and be caring without making her feel like there is an agenda to touching and caring. And remember, there may be many times where it will be "hold me" then "I can't be held" and need to just move around or collect my thoughts. And this is "not" about you or if she loves you etc, it is only about her not really knowing about her worth in being intimate. It is a very confusing time IMO.

I think that the goal should be about her being "ok" to "not" feeling like she "has" to do anything right now. I think it would be easier for her if she felt that you were more concerned about her having space and feeling safe with you and that she can rely on you as man who will give her love without "wanting" or "trying to take from her".

This is an area that is going to be a challenge for her IMO. What she is going to have to find her way to is being able to see that you are "the safe place for her to be ok with being intimate". I would say that the best case scenario would be for her to be the one that "takes" eventually, so she knows that it is "her choice" and not about her having to "give in" somehow.

I think the most important direction your wife needs to find her way to psychologically, is to realize that,
"Even though she was a victim, she survived and she married a good man, has three beautiful children and is a good mother and wife. That even though she was hurt, she still took back her life and was strong and did deserve that all along." Whatever she faces now is just something she needs to finally work through to a point where she realizes on a conscious level that while she was a "victim" and "that needs to be validated" it didn't truely "break her or take away her value as a good woman and mother". And "now" she will no longer have to "run" anymore. She no longer has to feel shame either. She is not alone in being a victim either and she has "overcome" in many ways already. She is going to finally be validated, appreciated and respected and it really will be "ok". And what she is doing now in therapy is she is finally taking back all of herself now in a healthier way. It is going to be "ok". Whatever comes that is a challenge is just something she has not worked through "yet", but it will be resolved now.
Does that make sense?

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Please clarify. Does your wife want "to" and you can't, or do you want to and she can't. From the begining I took it as she wanted to and you couldn't get things to cooperate. But after reading from others I take it as she makes you want to and then doesn't want to be intimate anymore. Just clarity please.

It is horribly embarrassing to discuss these things w/ a T. They analyze everything and that makes it even more unnerving. But remember they have been intimate before in there life time. They have the extra advantage of training in this area of human development to. Go w/ the flow. Best of luck.

[lostgman]

Big Mama.....she wants to...I do want too, but I won't...I'm scared she is gonna freak out on me or something. Rejection vs trigger...catch 22. I would never ever put it to her that way, but that's the short, easy answer.

Open Eyes, yes it makes sense.....except....I'm not pushing her....I have no expectations. If anything....I think I'm pushing her away and I don't want to do that either. I have no problem holding her....laying with her......leaving her alone.....whatever she needs to feel comfortable and safe. She wants to try to maintain her normal routines. I can understand that....I like to feel normal too. You somewhat know her history. You know I can't chance her "running" again. Until I'm sure in my mind that she is going to be ok....I can't do it.

She has mentioned our lack of sex twice in therapy, but she hasn't directly talked to me. I'm kinda thinking that she doesn't know what to say either. I know....we have got to work on our communication skills. The shrink wants to talk to me about this....I don't know if she wants to know my feelings on this or if she has some sort of insight for me. I'm hoping that she will either validate my feelings or tell me that I'm way off base. I want to be sure about things....I've been blindsided enough lately.

Thanks,

Gman

[Open Eyes]

Ok, she probably doesn't know what to say either. And as you care so much about her, it is normal for you to be confused as well.

However, it is really "important" that your wife doesn't think that by "telling" she has ruined anything or you have changed your feelings about her or your desire for her. As you know PTSD has that aspect of "low self worth" about it so you want to make sure you don't feed that feeling in anyway. Yes, it is a challenge to discuss intimacy because there is genuine uncertainty. But it is something you can work through.

Yes, you should sit with the therapist so you can get her guidence with this challenge.

Be patient, this will slowly heal.

[lostgman]

Thanks (((Open Eyes)))

The shrink and I had a very looooong talk yesterday. She said my feelings were valid and she understands them....BUT (alway gotta be a but in there)..I needed to have a little faith and trust my wife. Let her take the lead and go from there. She reminded me that while my wife may seem fragile at the moment....she is still a very strong woman. She may be struggling but she is still here...dealing...that says a lot. Just have a little faith in her.

She set my mind at ease about some things. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen.....I can't control that. We will deal with it, if and when we need to. She's also gonna give me a good swift kick in the pants if I don't start communicating again. If I need to start the conversation off with an email or letter....do it. She said my wife won't talk to me if she thinks I don't want to talk.....give her an opening. I guess I need to get over this strong and silent type thing.

We're gonna do a retake on couples therapy today instead of my wife's regular appointment.

Gman