Wife and Orgasim

My wife and I have been married for 3 years and together for 5. The entire time we have been together she has never been able to have an orgasim. We have tried vibs, my fingers, her fingers and nothing works. Her ex husband of 22 years was a control freak and told her that sex was for the male and not the female. It was the womans job to satisfy the man and that the woman should get no pleasure from having an orgasim. We have talked about it and she knows I dont feel that way. She gets very turned on and gets so close to orgasim but at the last second her brain takes over and she stops and just cant get over the top.. I will always be patient and will wait but is there anything I can do to help her?

Have you tried making sex just about her? Maybe instead of regular sex you can give her oral sex until she reaches orgasm? Or maybe if she can pleasure herself with you touching or kissing her.

It could also be a comfort or anxiety thing. If someone is uncomfortable, (which sounds like she is from her past experiences) it may be difficult for her to achieve orgasm. Maybe you could do something to make her feel more comfortable. Maybe a sensual massage. My wife really enjoys a full body massage and it make her feel good about herself. I hope you find something that works for both of you.

sportfiend,

Sorry to hear that your wife had such a controlling ex-husband! I can relate to what she's struggling with a lot. I didn't get that idea from an ex coming straight out and saying it to me, but due to a history of sexual abuse. I grew up with that same mentality. It's a girl's job to please a man in whatever way. I did not equate pleasure with the task ~ simply bringing him to pleasure was what I was supposed to do.

As a result, I often dissociated during sexual activities that were supposed to be pleasurable for me. Even with my husband for many years, after sexual therapy...we never really got down to the cause. I still dissociated in fear and shame that I was being judged by others.

There have since been too many changes! But a real biggie, that was a positive experience for me, was putting myself entirely in charge of the experience. Not that I feel all powerful and mighty, it's not that. But, I can choose the pace and level/s of friction most comfortable for me. I can hold his arms down and look into his eyes; or put his hands wherever I want them to be. My point being: I lead the entire experience to what feels most comfortable for me in that moment.

I totally understand how your wife feels. I k n o w it is me that stops me from enjoying sex. I just cannot go there. Have you asked your wife what would make her more comfortable. Small things. I have to keep my shirt on and wear socks. Thats not guarantee that "O" will happen, but it changes the comfort level. I also have preformance anxiety. I know and fear that my inability to make me cum will make my H feel poorly about him self and his abilities. It is quite stressful to work under those conditions.

Have you guys considered a T. marriage counceling, or trauma T. I have a T who specializes in trauma's, and it has helped, or at least is begining to help. That might be an option.

Good luck w/ this.

Not sure if this is appropriate thing to say or not but here it goes.

It sounds like her brain is getting in the way, the same thing happens to me from time to time So my suggestion to try would be (after talking to her doctor and getting the appropriate prescription, not trying to promote inappropriate drug usage) something for anxiety might do the trick. For me a bit of Xanax (generic of course) usually keeps my mind from thinking too much at JUST THE WRONG TIME.

My T actually suggested I drink. Have a beer. She also said, If you tell any one I suggested drinking, I will say you are lying. But anyway....have wine, a romantic drink, what ever it takes to knock off the edge and lower inhibitions.

I don't drink. That would not work for us.

Hey,
Congrats on your patience. Its excellent. I truly respect wot u r doing. U need more patience, a bottle of wine in a candle lit room, a massage for your partner , and extremely slow and tantalising oral sex. Try it. All the best.