O problems

I know this topic may seem more suited for some sort of magazine sexual Q & A, but, alas, I am not convinced many sources could actually answer my question.

I am 24 years old, and I've never had an orgasm from sex. Ever.

The most common answers I've gotten to this question (from close friends) is that I'm having sex with a guy who does not know what he's doing, etc, but what if the guy does know what he's doing?

I was in a complicated, near-molestation incident, as a child. This incident was attempted by a very close family member.

Without me going into details, could this play a part in my lack of orgasm? No matter what I try, it doesn't work.

Will this be the way for the rest of my life?

I imagine sex is very different when you are able to do this...and without it, it starts to seem less and less appealing.

You're not alone. About 75% of all women don't have orgasms through intercourse. As for whether a guy knows what he's doing, there's two sides to that. Even a guy who usually satisfies the women he's with might not satisfy every one. That's not because there's something wrong with the woman, it's because everyone likes different things. Some like soft, gentle touching, some rougher toughing, some like it fast, some slow, etc. Sexual partners need to work together and communicate what feels good and what doesn't.

The best thing you can do is masturbate. You might want to get a book, but the important thing is to learn what you like. By masturbating, you're learning about your own body. If you don't know your own body, how can you expect someone else to know what you like and don't like? Masturbation is healthy, and it's normally the first way we learn about ourselves in terms of sexual pleasure.

Try to be patient, and don't worry if you don't reach orgasm the first few times. You're experimenting, and there's no expectations. If you do have an orgasm, fantastic!

Do it in front of a mirror, so you can see what you look like. Learn about your body so you can show your partner where and how you like to be touched. Have him show you the same thing about him.

Maven, thank you for your reply! Would you suggest not using a vibrator for this? The only reason I ask is that I've read you can become dependent on it, and it's hard to mimic this sensation in real life (from a partner, I mean).

I will try the rest of your advice, and hopefully, one day, I will be able to reach this from a partner!

I think a vibrator is fine, but you should mix it up and use hands sometimes too. I think you become dependent if you only use a vibrator and nothing else.

Meaning - from partner sex, from any sex including solo sex (masturbation), or, from intercourse?

Cuz if you cannot have an O from intercourse, you might never have it, and the goal is unrealistic, but if you are working on non-intercourse orgasms, then you have already gotten great advice so keep doing what you are doing and best of luck!

Just from anything regarding someone else. I am so weird. I am definitely able to do it solo, but I don't know if I am just so awkward/uncomfortable that I can't when another person's involved? I do enjoy the closeness of sex if I care about the person, but it's almost like I can't even focus on myself.

Also, I've recently noticed that when I am able to do through masturbation, I don't even really think about anything. Could that be the problem - maybe I don't even associate sex of any kind/being turned on with orgasm? It sounds strange, I know.

Yes, trauma can deeply affect your ability to climax or even enjoy sex. If you can O via masturbation than physically, you are probably fine. Counseling can help with the other part.

illiketherain, I have never had O durring sex. I have been married for 18 years, 19 next month. I have been w/ 3 different men. and that includes my H. I can achieve O alone but an a very reserved person and have issues about touching myself durring sex. Plus it just doesn't feel right. The way things work for O's don't seem to work the same way durring sex. I am a very guarded individual. I have a history of rape aswell. I don't know if that has any affect on my abilities or not.

Things seem to work fine solo, or when recieving oral, but not so good when penis is involved. Sex is quite meaningless to me. I agree with you. With out all the stars it is not exactly a worth adventure.

Thanks for your reply! Did you have trouble achieving that with oral at first? I have had it performed on me before, and...nothing.

I totally agree with everything else you've said...after a certain point, it almost seems like you're just engaging for the benefit of the other person, at least for me.

Do you have any suggestions on how you would go about discussing that with a therapist? I mean, I definitely understand discussing sexual trauma (which I still think would be very awkward), but I don't even know how one would go about asking about the end result.

There are some books out there about enjoying sex aimed at women who have experienced sexual trauma. I read one called something like Sex for Survivors. It actually had a plan of how to move toward enjoying partner sex. I think it could be helpful.

Best,
EJ

iliketherain, I did have trouble at first with oral and O's, I still do. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. I don't know why. (I do take meds that make it harder to achieve O, but I know when to avoid taking them so O cam happen, if it is gonna happen.)

I know that I have performance anxiety when I am not alone, Weather or not "IT" happens affects how my partner feels about my opinion of him sexually and as far as security goes to. That is generally true in relationships, but not in my case. It just makes me have performance anxiety and that is a no win situation for anyone.

EJ thank you for that book suggestion, I may have to look into that.

I had no idea books like this even existed. Thanks for your suggestion!

Not to get too detailed, but I tried oral again this past week, and although I felt like it could almost happen, it never did. I tried to find this place in my mind where I could be present, but not overly-aware, and it still didn't work.

iliketherain some time it does take erable effort to make it happen. Especially if you have not had it to happen before. I tell my H sometimes it is the process of getting there, not so much the big bang type outcome. Any more that is just as pleasent. Don't give up.

Thank you! I'll let you know if anything changes!