Feeling confused...

I have been questioning a lot lately.

I have been remembering a lot from my past, one of which being a relationship in middle school. It was with another girl. I have been writing about it some, it’s never been outside of my head (other than when it happened) until I started writing about it.

It’s brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings that I didn’t remember were there. Dare I even say…desires?

I realize that this experience – we were in a relationship for close to nine months, until her family moved away – was very significant for me. It was very much a physical relationship. I didn’t even know it had a name back then – oral sex. I only knew the experience of it from my previous abuse. But I liked it…a lot. (both with her and when I was abused) But she was also my best friend. Someone who loved and accepted me. I was an outcast…shunned by others (in 5th grade I lost all my friends and the teasing began then).

I just feel so confused about it all…could I be gay? Or bisexual?
Or is this just coming up because I have been so hurt by men? Abused as a child? Raped by my husband? Never had a man in my life that didn’t want to have sex with me…never even just had guy friends.

I just don’t know.

And I am a Christian. I am not supposed to feel like this. This is not ok. It’s wrong. It’s a sin. They are opposing…mutually exclusive.

Thing is…I’ve felt attraction to a couple of ladies in my life. I have just pushed away the thoughts and feelings away. Pretended they don’t exist. But when this memory of my relationship in middle school – and how I felt so accepted and loved. – the feelings and desires have intensified - especially for one of the ladies. And realizing that I loved this girl in middle school. And I miss the closeness that I had. The safety. I’ve never felt safe with a man…I was abused and used by them.

I don’t know…I just don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this.

See…I see a therapist…but she’s a Christian…at a Christian counseling center. I am a Christian…I can’t bring any of this up. Not only that…but my therapist is the one for whom I have the strong attraction.

I guess I am just not sure about any of this stuff. I am filled with confusion…feeling desires I have been taught are wrong. Not wanting to give up my faith…and trying to figure out who I am. Yet already feeling ostracized from the church for my struggles. It’s like this would be just ONE more thing to make me not “good enough” or unlovable.

I don’t know…I suppose thoughts…feedback would be greatly appreciated.

People feel what they feel. Until you stop thinking that there is a way you are "supposed" to feel, there would not be much progress in your life. You need to allow yourself to feel what you feel and to get curious about the way you feel in a non-judgmental way.

There is no point in paying money to and wasting time on a therapist with whom you "cannot bring something up".

Desires are not right or wrong - they are desires you feel.

You are indeed very confused but most of the confusion stems from the fact that you judge feelings and desires that should not be judged, and that is something fixable in your mind and your thought process, and to the extent that you have some control over your mind and your thought process, you should be able to reduce the degree of confusion.

You also describe a lot of confusion in gender relations and it is hard to see what is organic to you and what has been caused by abuse. Say, in and of itself the fact that all guys in your life wanted to have sex with you is not a cause for concern, yet you report it as something concerning.

When you have had so much abuse that might color your perception and even direct your attractions, it is really important to have a good T to help you. Since you cannot tell your current T the truth, she cannot help you and you should stop seeing her, unless, of course, the attraction to the T is so strong that you prefer seeing her just because you are attracted to her.

Pinkbutterfly,

I agree with hamster bamster. You are judging yourself for something that shouldn't be judged. If you feel something, attraction, love, lust, etc. for a woman it's not wrong. It just is. Stop allowing religion to make you feel shame for who you are. I say this with <3, and as someone who's religious upbringing caused decades of shame and guilt. Be who you are, love you you want to love, but you need to find a therapist you are comfortable discussing these issues with. Your current therapist may surprise you, but if not find a new T and learn to be at peace with yourself!