Your views on fetishes and the BDSM lifestyle

I know weird is subjective, it's why I wrapped it in ' ' I should have italiced instead.

Your list of fetishes seem largely vanilla to me personally.

Sploshing is an interesting fetish - getting covered in food IIRC?

Ugh I can't think of anything that extreme... Knife play involving actually cutting I guess is slightly kinkier... Skat also, that has to be really niece (sp?)

*trails off not knowing how to coherently end post*

It's mostly the Nazi and strap-on that's largely BDSM. I'd say facef'***ing is too. Facef***ing is brutal, whether you're a guy or a girl.

I think it's more naturally brutal if you're a girl, but you can make it hard on a guy too.

Not in it, at the moment. Waiting for the right partner. I like to write, don't want to share.

Role playing, bondage, sub/Dom stuff.

Why him? Afraid to let go and have the wax on yourself? Gotta ice the area first. How about voice overs and mind-games? As in, being blindfolded, hearing the sound of scorching heat and having a piece of metal touched to your skin, mind-thing...making you feel like you are being branded...

Dr. Skipper....do you use any of those BDSM sites to write your stories?

I do, but not mentioning names....

I've posted my erotica on fetlife, and I've posted my erotica and offensive song parodies on deviantart. I don't get a lot of responses, mostly on my offensive song parodies from people who think they are too offensive, but other people see the humor in it.

submissive, but not currently in RL. It's over the internet, virtual world---avatars. Also extended to email, skype etc. In RL i'd probably cry if He did the things He does to me virtually.... but i think if i cried i would want him to punish me and hold me down *grins*

However, in rl, before i met my husband (yes i am married. What a wretch i am) i had a 9 month relationship with my first Dom. i was his first sub. He was a virgin, ten years younger than i, we were reading bdsm sites and this change came over him like he suddenly went from caterpillar to butterfly. He suddenly was so comfortable with his sexuality, i took a safe word and he did many things to me that i enjoyed. immensely. Probably dangerous for my borderline traits... as i TOTALLY loved the fact that he emotionally regulated me. my mind felt at peace. it was wonderful.

However it came to an end one day and i died inside. Been with a Vanilla ten years now and he's a great dad, wonderful in many ways, but i just have this NEED and ive ventured to the metaverse to fill that need.

As for weird? erm... dadd's little girl. *cough*

I do not think that it is helpful to call yourself a wretch or to think bad things about yourself in general.

I think it would be much more helpful to tell the husband that while you enjoy vanilla sex and love him and acknowledge that he is wonderful in more ways than you can list, you also have this non-vanilla need which gets met in the metaverse (thanks for this wonderful word - first time I am seeing it - it is a great word).

If you cannot find enough courage to do that, then just resign yourself to the fact that you are living a bit of a double-life because you fear having an honest discussion with your hubby (I am all for radical honesty in theory, but am well aware of the real life limitations in practice). And, stop calling yourself a wretch. I mean, either way, but do something to stop calling yourself a wretch because it is entirely counterproductive for you.

ETA: I see from another thread that you cannot do the best case scenario. Well, I did not know when I made the recommendation. Sure, it seems like you have tried your best talking to him.

well.. i only called myself a wretch once ---
and i was sort of joking.
Serious discussion is out as far as that goes. I would rather not risk the relationship by making him feel inadequate.
I have tried subtley bringing it into our relationship between he and i, but he has a relatively low sex drive.. or at least never wants to initiate it, feels its up to me, but if i do he often rejects me. weve hashed this to death over the past few years and for better or for worse this seems the safest outlet at this time.

sure, that makes sense

I do not get how it would make him feel inadequate, though. I do not get the "inadequate" part - I totally get how he might not want changes to the status quo and in general not want to expand his horizons to incorporte new realities etc... I get that.

So, "inadequate".

If a guy A with the net worth of $X has a wife B who, one day, comes to him with a cup of Sunday morning coffee in bed, per their long-standing tradition, only to announce that she has found a guy C with the net worth of $500X, and that from now on she will be with both of them, then I can see why A would feel "inadequate".

But if I, being vanilla, imagine myself in a hypothetical marriage with a guy who has concealed his BDSM predilections until recently but finally decided to practice being honest and up front, and the husband announces that he wants to be tied down, spanked, etc. OR that he wants to tie down and spank and etc. a woman OR both, then...

... I canNOT see myself feeling inadequate, I am sorry. It is so no about "inadequate". It is about something else...

So to that I would say: "Dearest H, if you still enjoy having vanilla sex with me, then great, and please find yourself somebody else, if you have not done so already, who would enjoy being tied down and spanked or tying down and spanking you, or both, and I wish you luck and hope to hear about your newfound happiness. If it has come to the point of your no longer enjoying vanilla sex with me, then we should part company, although I will still always be more than pleased to hear about your newfound happiness.

***

But I am not your husband so if you are saying that he would feel inadequate, I am sure you have good enough reasons to believe that.

i think inadequate is because many people do not understand the dynamics of it. He is passive agressive. Very, and its amazing the things that set him off.

Dear husband, I love you but you're unable to sexually fulfill me, I'm with you physically but emotionally I'm becoming more and more invested in this online relationship with somebody who just understands without the need for explanation.

I could continue, but in short that's the crux of why he'd feel inadaquate.

Treeinthewind, online relationships are risky things, I'm sure you currently don't really intend to leave your husband for your online Dom... But these things change, especially with you becoming more and more frustrated that you can't get it with your husband. You'll share emotionally with your husband less and your Dom more...

That's how these things typically go in my experience.

Thr grass is not always greener on the otherside, if you keep playing with fire you may get burnt.

I find it hard to pinpoint exactly what I want from a female dominant, and this is why I don't go to see a paid dominatrix. What I like is to be condescended to, and treated like a pet, maybe kissed, but it's all about attitude. Do female dominant professionals kiss on the mouth?

Most pro doms are totally no sexual contact inc. Kissing. The bedt thing to do would be to decide what you want and then discuss it with a few pros until you click with one and your wishes are compatible with her personal professional limits.

<---THIS

Phreak-- i agree fully. A few things i consider though:
Emotionally he has stopped being there for me for about 4 years. He gets angry with me for my tendencies to emotionally over react. As a result i began pulling away from him some time ago. We have some great conversations about spirituality, life, world issues... in many ways he is like my best friend. My best friend whom i am not intimate with. I have felt lonely and detached for awhile. Being detached was the only way i felt i could deal with his lack of availability. And the sub/dom puts such an ease on my desire for emotional regulation.
Also, the person i am involved with is married and is very good to his wife which i respect, i would have a hard time submitting to a man that did not put his wife as #1. Ground rule is rl comes first. Always. His wife knows that he is a Dom, she is Vanilla and lets it be. I don't want to be His f/t. We life in different countries we are 20 years apart in age, i have young children whom i would not live that sort of lifestyle with 24/7 unless it was with their own father and the sexual nature was completely kept to the bedroom.
Years ago i would have just slept around, bouncing from man to man to get what i felt i need.
Now, at 40, i am living a double life, yes. But it means that my children get to have the best dad in the world around them all the time. Means the world to me.
Husband and i still laugh, joke and rarely fight.
And.. the way i switch and change as time passes, its very possible i may tire of my Dom.

I don't have any fetishes but naturally have likes and dislikes. My view/advice on fetishes is - as long as it doesn't interfere with your life, doesn't hurt your partner its fine. Sometimes a fetish can box a person in where they can't feel excitement if the fetish isn't present. Since someone here has a foot fetish I'll stay away from saying a certain fetish is odd out of respect.

Harley mentioned "sounding" - the old saying "you learn something new everyday" is so true because I've never heard of this. I'd draw a line of this one, since it could be painful and dangerous -infection and injuring the urethra. Some people really struggle with their fetishes and feel shame. One example is a diaper fetish and the more a person tries to stifle it....the worse the urge gets.

Regarding the BDSM lifestyle - its fine as long as all are consenting and there's no lasting pain or injury. There should be an agreement beforehand, along with a "safe word" to stop the act if the partner changes their mind or wants an action stopped.

Perhaps somebody who by admission is not into fetishes should be hesitant before giving advice to others.

Whilst safewords can be useful, the traffic light system is better in my opinion.

Safewords can be incredibly dangerous. Having good communication and judgement is far more important.

Having a safeword can lead the inexperienced to not use commonsense and judgement. I.e. Continuing to whip somebody to the point they're so high on endorphorines that they don't actually want you to stop.

Oh you didn't know that? Exactly!

I think it's okay, Phreak. I asked everyone for their opinions, and she is looking to be educated, so really she is only stating what she knows.

To be honest, I've never heard of the traffic light system. Perhaps you can educate us on this subject?

Red = stop
Amber =slow down/ not so hard or whatever
Green = everything is okay.

Maybe I over reacted slightly, but people incorrectly relying on safewords can be a really serious issue with incredibly serious consequences.

Sorry, I guess I'm currently employing less self restraint than normal

If you love your husband then perhaps try relationship therapy to resolve the vanilla issues. It's not fair on you to be in an emotionally unconnected relationship. Lots of people do choose to stay together for the sake of the children. Whatever you decide to do your children will still have your wonderful husband as their father, and you as their incredible father

Ultimately look after yourself

I do have personal experience of online D/s relationships, so I have been there. Fortunately you're a lot older than I was

Just because I'm not into fetishes doesn't mean I can't have opinions and try to help. I also don't claim to know everything. Agreeing to a safeword is better than nothing for someone trying it 1st time like Illegal Toilet. Dr. Skipper didn't say "only people who have fetishes can answer." The traffic light system are still safe words, to make sure no one regrets anything.

There are some people who've posted questions here and in the Q&A section, who feel ashamed of their fetishes. There's been 2 cases of men here posting about diaper fetishes and they were so worried about being called a weirdo - I had empathy and welcomed them here. People can take or reject what I have to say, but I have a fair amount of life wisdom to pass on. All I was saying - fetishes are fine as long as no one gets hurt.

Lynn, I'm sorry.

That's okay Phreak and thank you.

Thought we could use some humor in this. I heard the other day on the radio - in Japan a new trend has started - its "eyeball licking". Leave it to them for starting strange new trends - they also started the Bagel Head. They inject saline solution similar to an IV in the forehead. When the forehead is full, they press a dent and hence the Bagel Head.