[LiteraryLark]

My therapist wants me to call the sex educator, but I have no idea what to talk about. On Friday I went as far as a hand job with a guy I've known for a year (I've never seen or touched a penis before and it took me two hours of cuddling and fingering to get to that point) and I want him to be my first time. I talked to him about STD's and he said he's been tested and was clean, and I have inserted an IUD so I feel protected against both STD's and unwanted pregnancy. He is also someone I've dressed in full BDSM uniform in front of on several occasions for both his and my enjoyment, and we are both into the same kinky preferences and I've practiced using a flogger on him and have him used it on me (which is something I thought I could never do).

I guess I need to know how to mentally and physically prepare for the first time, but I feel that it's a stupid question to ask her. I really can't think of anything important to ask her.

[unaluna]

Yabbut you don't know what you dont know. I would go and take notes! Seriously! I wish someone had suggested it to me. A few comments from my 100 year old male obgyn did not start me off on the right foot so to speak.

[ringtailcat]

Yeah what hankster said! Then report back!

[Confusedinomicon]

I think your t just wants you to be safe and have a good experience. Sex educator can talk to you and help you gauge your readiness.

For some people its easier to be relaxed if your comfortable with their body and you've both had time to explore one another. It may mean putting off vaginal sex for a few months until you feel relaxed. Anxiety will make the experience suck.

Good foreplay makes a better overall experience.

[Harley47]

Hey, congrats on the fun Friday Doc!

lol Being serious, I think the route to go would be to used the sex educator as a sounding board for any type of concerns or reservations you might have.There isn't really any such thing as a stupid question for something like this...it's very new to you, and it's often played up to such a status of importance that it makes the prospect a little scary. There's no need to be afraid of asking the educator anything. Keep in mind, I would wager the educator has heard from dozens of others in almost the exact same position as you. I doubt you can ask much of anything that'd catch her off guard.

Good luck, be safe, and have fun.

Hugs,
Harley

[Morgansangel]

Sorry to butt in but I'm a little confused… what's a sex educator??

[LiteraryLark]

A sex educator is exactly what it sounds like...someone who educates people about sex.

I talked with her for about 20 minutes, but she basically told me everything I already knew and I didn't have any questions for her, so I felt it was a waste of time.

[LiteraryLark]

I feel like I won't have questions until directly before, during, or after the sex.

I guess the only real question I have is when is it the right time for me, and how do I stretch myself before sex so that I can accept his penis easier, because I've seen his penis and it's THICK. And also, how to make sex less painful the first time, since it's inevitable, but I feel it will hurt more because of how big he is.

[Morgansangel]

I've never heard of one of those do they charge? How do you know they're telling you the truth? Isn't it easier to talk to friends/google it?

If he's large just make sure he goes slowly, make sure you're plenty wet and relaxed, use lube if you need to (remember to use water based so it doesn't damage the condom.)

Wait, does the educator actually have intercourse with you?

[bighands]

Any educator worth thier salt is going to advise going slow and maximizing communication. Along the lines of going slow, for the first time, you might just consider having a nice, simple, tender, session of making love without all of the extra uniforms & theatrics. The actual act of closeness and caring can easily get lost in the ceremony of a fetish and that's not fair for your first time.

It's easy to build up fantasies in our minds to a point where the reality is a disappointment and the fact that you're losing your virginity might get lost in the BDSM/Nazi.flogging, etc, etc, etc. Hopefully you can go slow and work the other stuff into things as needed/wanted. Good luck.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

Wait, does the educator actually have intercourse with you?

No...why the hell would they do that?

They're doctors who specialize in sex, what is so complicated about that?

[Morgansangel]

Well if you describe it like that there's nothing 'complicated' about it, it's just I've never heard of a 'sex educator' and it sounds really dodgy like the plot of a bad porno! We don't have sex doctors in the UK. Well at least not that I've ever heard of, we have STI clinics etc and family planning centres, but I've never heard of a doctor to advise you about sex. What do they advise you? I mean it's quite a natural animalistic instinct kind of thing. And there's sex ed in schools. And the Internet is a good place to find out things as well. And you can always talk to your GP or go to a STI clinic if you have pain or discomfort during sex. I just don't understand why people would need 'sex educators' so much that it could become a profession

[LiteraryLark]

Well I'd rather trust a doctor on sex advice than the internet.

[LiteraryLark]

It's really not that strange at all. Considering all the problems I see in this forum alone, there is a definite demand for a sex educator.

[Morgansangel]

Originally Posted by DrSkipper

Well I'd rather trust a doctor on sex advice than the internet.

I wouldn't, just because someone's a doctor it doesn't mean they know anything about sex barring 'the penis goes in the orafice desired' unless its a medical problem to do with sex. It's like saying someone being a dentist means they know what you like to eat because you eat with your teeth.

It may not be strange to you if you live somewhere in a culture where they are used often, but when you've never heard of one before then it does seem really strange. I dont understand how a doctor *can* specialise in sex. If you have a medical problem to do with sex go to the GP, if you have a mental problem with sex ask your GP to refer you to a therapist. Just sounds a bit Hollywood dog whisperer to me, but then they don't exist in my culture/country(as far as I know). It's just a totally foreign concept to me.

[LiteraryLark]

I's not rocket science. Seriously, are you really going to compare a doctor who specializes in sex and sexuality to a Hollywood Dog Whisperer? Like it's so unheard of that there are doctors out their who give advice on sex and sexuality? I'm pretty sure if you contact your therapist she can refer you to a sex educator or sex therapist.

Of course, I am talking to a group of people who prefer a self-help forum over a legitimate doctor's advice.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

Wait, does the educator actually have intercourse with you?

That's a sex surrogate.

[lynn P.]

I think some here are confused what the sex educator is doing Dr.Skipper - I was under the impression, this person was there to answer any questions and give advice...opposed to actually having sex. Am I correct? No judgements from me plus I thought your therapist gave this recommendation.

Regarding the 1st time - I admire you taking this seriously and being completely ready, so you don't regret the 1st time. Its different for some, but its not that painful and its normal. If you've done other foreplay down there and used toys - I think you'll be ready to receive this partner. I don't think you need to stretch yourself at all - the beauty of the 1st time from a man's point of view is, its supposed to be snug.....wink, wink. You're also assertive enough to say, "don't do it this way or slow down." You should also do plenty of foreplay and use lubricants. You may be over thinking this slightly. I'm giving you the same advice, I would give my own daughter when she's old enough for this experience. Hurting a little is normal, but I suspect it won't hurt much at all and you'll enjoy all you've anticipated. Best of luck and I hope this turns out to be a great experience with respect and caring for each other.

[LiteraryLark]

...why would people think a therapist would tell me to see someone to have sex with me to teach me how to have sex?

Facepalm doesn't cover this. I'm out.

[Morgansangel]

Originally Posted by DrSkipper

I's not rocket science. Seriously, are you really going to compare a doctor who specializes in sex and sexuality to a Hollywood Dog Whisperer? Like it's so unheard of that there are doctors out their who give advice on sex and sexuality? I'm pretty sure if you contact your therapist she can refer you to a sex educator or sex therapist.

Of course, I am talking to a group of people who prefer a self-help forum over a legitimate doctor's advice.

It's not rocket science no, ive actually heard of rocket science.

It is that unheard of to me. I have never heard of such a thing in my life! I've heard of dog whisperers a hell of a lot more to be honest as this thread is the first time I've ever heard of a 'sex educator'. If I talked to my therapist about it? They'd give me therapy for whatever issue it was, or else if it was a medical thing advise me to go to a GP about it!

As for your snipe at the end there I said the internet, not self help forums. As in I would use the internet to conduct research and attempt to help my problem whatever it was if it wasn't a physical issue like in women that it hurt too much or in men that they were suffering ED or if someone was worried they had an STI. Mind you even then i'd look on medical websites such as nhs online at symptoms to see first. But actually, if it was a non-medical thing I would go to a self help forum over my doctor, as my GP would say 'I'm sorry, this isn't a medical issue, I can't help you and it's rather inappropriate for you to have asked me, I advise you either talk to the therapist you're already seeing and see if they can help or else go online and research it'.

[unaluna]

In the olden days it was called "droit du seigneur" - the lord of the manor or whoever had his way with the feudal maiden being married? Stg like that - history is my worst subject! But French was my best...

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by DrSkipper

...why would people think a therapist would tell me to see someone to have sex with me to teach me how to have sex?

Facepalm doesn't cover this. I'm out.

I took your OP to be you're seeing a trained sex therapist who's specialty is giving advice about sex...like the well known Dr Ruth who used to be on TV. Its not a sex surrogate who is trained to help a person with sex. I understand what you said and your therapist referred you to this person .....because its not her specialty and probably felt conflicted. She probably felt this would ease your concerns and its perfectly fine and wish more young people thought this out thoroughly like you. Hope this makes you feel better and keep this thread going.

[Poppy Princess]

It was a doctor who gave advice about sex.

Anyone who can't understand this needs to try kindergarten again. Try and catch up, kids.

[lynn P.]

Yes it was Dr.Skippers regular therapist who advised her to speak with a sex therapist - they go through additional training beyond standard therapy. I'm assuming her own therapist did this to reassure her, since she's a little apprehensive and not sure she's ready...that's all. Maybe some got confused when she was describing her potential partner and thought she was talking about an experience with a sex surrogate ...which is not the case. I think its great to be informed before a young person has a sex encounter. Now that I'm older, I wish I was more prepared.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationshi...x-therapist-do