I give up waiting.

It could mean a lot of things. And one thing that toubles me is how incredibly hard you're being on yourself. You keep saying that someone wouldn't sleep with you unless you paid them... I find that so hard to believe. One thing that will help in meeting others to become more intimate with is to start being more confident in yourself. Working on the inside is the most important piece of this puzzle, but why not also go get your hair done? A good cut can work wonders to make you feel sexier. You could join a gym. Even with no weight to lose, the exercise can release endorphins (making you happier), and you can find confidence in the fact your doing something to be healthier. You are beautiful. Everyone is in some way. Don't give up on yourself. So many on this board (myself included) haven't.

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I do get my hair cut and dyed a special way on a fairly regular basis (I probably need a trim and a new dye job soon) and that got my confidence level up to where it is today. You should have talked to me before that…when everyone would laugh at my hair and call me ugly. I mean, even I think I look attractive now, but it doesn't change the fact that a guy needs to be drunk to see it. I don't know why…I really don't. Unless of course it's because I'm not a size 0, which would be the only point to joining a gym. Well and maybe getting ripped arms which I can't anyway because I'm not on testosterone. In fact, I'm on birth control, so isn't that like a low dose of estrogen/progesterone? If I wasn't taking medication to change my naturally occurring hormones against my will I probably would be just fine even without testosterone...

So besides unrealistic goals, I've never exercised without becoming weak, faint, exhausted, and/or in pain afterwards. So the thought of exercising causes me great anxiety. The thought of going alone to a gym causes greater anxiety (I've asked others if I could join them but they refuse and I would just slow everybody down). I've thought of getting a personal trainer through a gym, but my heart really isn't going to be in it when I'm told that I can't reach my goals physically.

And even if it was all possible, would I feel better at the end of the day? Maybe. But guys would be even less attracted to me since I would be even more masculine than I already am…

I honestly don't know why I can't stop liking guys. I'll never be effeminate enough for straight guys. And I'll never have the right body parts for bi and gay guys. I really need to stop taking the medication that lowers my DHEA which is my body naturally producing male hormones and at some point (before taking medication) I was able to build some muscle mass. I just want to go back to how I was before the doctors started f—ing with my hormones. Now I've been made into a gender that I'm not. But if I go back to that, guys will never be attracted to me so I have to somehow become less attracted to men. I'm never going to be happy either way. Either I'm the wrong gender or I'm more attracted to the wrong gender who can't ever possibly like me.

With most of the rest of you guys…you're all real girls so of course guys are attracted to you...

I can relate to having meds alter your appearance to some degree, and I'm sorry you're enduring that. My meds had.me put on 50 lbs- it was a total confidence killer. I'm working to have it all come back off but it's hard.

What is something that you do that makes you feel good when you do it? What makes you happy? Figure that out, and do more of it. You will feel better if you do.

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Well, in my case, I think most people would be happy with the changes made by the meds. It's made my body and personality more effeminate…but I don't truly feel like I'm myself. The only positive thing was that I lost a lot of weight.

I'm not sure there's anything that makes me happy on a consistent basis. Video games do occasionally, but sometimes it frustrates me. I like writing too, but it often frustrates me as well.