[agatha9]

When I was a kid, I experienced something that really shocked me. A man I trusted, not a relative, but definitely someone I trusted touched me. I was smart enough to stop him right before anything worse happened. I told my mother immediately, but she only told me to take a shower and that it had all been my fault because I didn't stay right beside her. She also said I provoked it and only yesterday, seventeen years after all this happened, I understood the difference between having provoked the situation and being provocative to that man.

A few years later, someone I thought was my friend drugged me and had sex with me. I couldn't tell anyone because I feared they wouldn't understand. But all those years I took half the pharmacy to try to kill myself. Until my mother found out that I was having sex with my boyfriend and I wasn't able to keep everything that had been causing me so much pain.

Sometimes I think there is no point in remembering all these things that happened to me or trying to explain why I do what I do. The fact is thta for the last thirteen years I have had sex only when I feel lost, when I'm sad, when I feel like a burden to my family and when I have lost all faith. Only once have I had sex being happy and in love. The rest of the guys I didn't even like, but I knew they would be there for my purpose: to have sex just in order to forget, maybe to feel alive and maybe even to punish myself once again.

And this has led to endless problems with my family. They are so conservative, that they say I should leave the house. And I wish I could, because I have been nothing but trouble. I can't even find a job! I have punished myself with self-injury, I have been to therapy, I have tried to pray harder and harder, I have tried everything. I also could stop having sex for seven years, until I fell in love with a man and just when I felt that the end was near, I slept with him. But I had to tell my mother, because I can't hide those things from her. It's like guilt forces me to speak, like I'm unable to hold my tongue. I feel so desperate, so guilty, so ashamed, I sweat cold, I tremble and then I say what I've done.

And I only need a hug. When I'm happy, when I'm in good terms with my family, of course I get aroused, but I know there's more to love and happiness than sex, so I just enjoy the good things I have without seeking love or sex. But when everything is going bad, I instantly look for someone to have sex with or flirt with any other guy.

And everytime I end up feeling empty, nauseated, guilty and lost again. I despise myself. I don't even enjoy sex. It's not like a good memory of a good time. It's all blurry and I always ask myself why I did it if i knew I was going to regret it.

I hope someone would give me some advice. Thanks for reading this thing i can't tell anyone else.

[Big Mama]

I have no advice for you, I can only relate to you. Please know that you are not alone. I didn't even have the courage to tell my parents what happened to me. I don't think it would have mattered.

I was raped as a teenager and sexually abused as a child, (part of which the memories are still sketchy). Any way I could care less about having sex.Sex is a time when my mind goes away mentally. When I am board, or stressed, or angry I turn to watching porn. Not that it does anything for me, it is just a place where I find safety. Sick I know, but any way that is how I feel.

Sexual abuse affects us all in different ways. It affects our daily life, it affects our sex life. The best things you can do is seek counseling. The affects of abuse can be somewhat reversed. I have grown so much since starting T and disclosing this kinda of stuff to the T. It took me 25 years after the rape to tell someone and it was my current T.

I am glad you found the courage to speak out here. This is a most helpful site and so many people here have been threw the same thing you are going threw. Look in the survivors of abuse forum to read more on this subject. Please feel free to continue posting here. Talk and vent all you need to. If you want to PM me you certainly may.

[hamster-bamster]

Your mother betrayed your trust and wronged you in a pivotal way when she said what she said about the alleged provocation. You say that you were in in therapy. The therapist never told you anything about that? What did the therapist do in the sessions? Did you have any goals for therapy?

[Harley47]

Hi Agatha. I hope I can be of some help.

Hamster is absolutely correct when she says your mother wronged you. It was a disgusting failure on her part as a mother to not only dismiss your claim as she did, but to blame you? That's wrong, on many different levels. She should have been supportive of you, and helped you when you needed it...she failed you in her reaction. I am sorry for that.

Additionally...while I wish I had more practical advice to offer, I have to say...I am so sorry about that "friend" of yours. For him to do that is beyond forgiveness. I hope karma is swift and brutal...that's about the most PC appropriate thing I can say towards him.

Speaking practically, there's a couple of points I'd like to address. Speaking to the sex itself, I think you're using it as a bit of a security blanket...you seem, based on your post, to seek sex when when things are at a low. That, of course, brings us to a double edged sword...you seek sex for security, but dislike the action itself. That creates a bit of a vicious circle. The key here, I think, is discovering and working past why you seek sex when things aren't going well. Do you have any idea why that would be? What about sex makes it something you seek when you're feeling down? If I may guess...it sounds to me like you seek sex as a substitution for familial love, as based on your post, it sounds like there's a correlation between how you and your family are getting along and your sexual activity. Do you think that's a correct observation?

But I would say this as well...your family's reaction to you having sex is entirely wrong. Granted, I would understand if they were concerned over your rationale behind it...that would make sense to me. But you're an adult woman. You've zero obligation to inform your mother over your sex life...it is none of her business. Sex should be an informed decision between you and a partner whom you love and respect...and at that, a private decision. There is no guilt to be had Agatha...you've no need to tell your mother about it. There is nothing wrong with sex, provided your heart and feelings are in the right place. You've done nothing wrong. Please don't feel that way.

I hope that you'll be able to work past this. I hope that in time, sex will become a meaningful and special event for you that it deserves to be. But please, know at least that you've done nothing wrong. Not in the slightest. If you take nothing else away from this, do take that. There's no need to be ashamed.

If I can do anything for you at all, please feel free to PM me.

Many hugs,
Harley

[agatha9]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I have no advice for you, I can only relate to you. Please know that you are not alone. I didn't even have the courage to tell my parents what happened to me. I don't think it would have mattered.

I was raped as a teenager and sexually abused as a child, (part of which the memories are still sketchy). Any way I could care less about having sex.Sex is a time when my mind goes away mentally. When I am board, or stressed, or angry I turn to watching porn. Not that it does anything for me, it is just a place where I find safety. Sick I know, but any way that is how I feel.

Sexual abuse affects us all in different ways. It affects our daily life, it affects our sex life. The best things you can do is seek counseling. The affects of abuse can be somewhat reversed. I have grown so much since starting T and disclosing this kinda of stuff to the T. It took me 25 years after the rape to tell someone and it was my current T.

I am glad you found the courage to speak out here. This is a most helpful site and so many people here have been threw the same thing you are going threw. Look in the survivors of abuse forum to read more on this subject. Please feel free to continue posting here. Talk and vent all you need to. If you want to PM me you certainly may.

Thank you for sharing this. I really appreciate it.

After all these days of prayer and solitude, I believe I have to stop dwelling on the past, as hard as it may seem. I think that I have blamed myself because of what my mother told me or maybe even because I enjoyed those sensations that man awakened in me and then her blaming me. I don't know for sure, but that's the past, there's nothing I can do to erase what happened then, but to stop looking for sex when everything is going wrong, because it just leads to more pain and emptiness.

I really wish you will find that time, place and person, where it feels like home and everything will feel just as safe and peaceful as you deserve. And thanks again for sharing, it's a good sign that you are much nearer to getting over it.

[agatha9]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Your mother betrayed your trust and wronged you in a pivotal way when she said what she said about the alleged provocation. You say that you were in in therapy. The therapist never told you anything about that? What did the therapist do in the sessions? Did you have any goals for therapy?

What happened with that man, who happens to be his boss now, was just the worst of three of the worse years of my life. My grandparents had died, the whole family was broken and I had no more contact with an aunt I loved very much. I always said I had three mothers, but one had died, the other wasn't speaking to us and my mom who abandoned me during such difficult times.

We adressed all this in therapy, but I was doing so good, that they thought I was fine.

Yes, my mom betrayed my trust, but she has sufferred enough for it. I have been so much trouble, that she definitely has paid for it. And she just said it all wrong, because what she meant was that I put myself in danger, not what I thought. But, on the other hand, my mother seems to believe in anyone else but me. That was not the only thing she blamed me for, even when I had done nothing wrong. But we talked about it and I seemed to be fine.

Maybe this time I was so overwhelmed because for the first time in my life I have had a beautiful relationship with her, that I couldn't believe what I had done to hurt her. I knew she would be upset everytime I told her I have had sex, because I was young and I have always been her little girl. And I still am... But I also thought she would never catch me, so I guess I enjoyed making her suffer, believing I was making a fool of her, because deep inside I still hated her for not supporting me when I needed her.

But besides therapy, my mom and I have talked a lot, cried a lot, screamed and fought a lot over all these things. So I think that after a year of feeling loved and cherished, after a whole year of a very good relationship with her, I felt so guilty that I lost control. And I had to tell her what I did in the past just trying to take revenge. And to my surprise, she has been so understanding... I feel like crap now, I feel even worse, but now I know that my mother loves me, that she is so overprotective just because she loves me and she wants the best for me, that the only thing I can do is try and fix myself, forget, forgive and be happy with this mom I have had for the last year.

Thanks for your post. I needed to know that I'm not the only one who thought she had betrayed me then, because my therapist only tried to make me undesrtand why she reacted so badly. And I understand as grown woman, but... Sometimes we only need to hear that our feelings are justified.

[agatha9]

Originally Posted by Harley47

Hi Agatha. I hope I can be of some help.

Hamster is absolutely correct when she says your mother wronged you. It was a disgusting failure on her part as a mother to not only dismiss your claim as she did, but to blame you? That's wrong, on many different levels. She should have been supportive of you, and helped you when you needed it...she failed you in her reaction. I am sorry for that.

Additionally...while I wish I had more practical advice to offer, I have to say...I am so sorry about that "friend" of yours. For him to do that is beyond forgiveness. I hope karma is swift and brutal...that's about the most PC appropriate thing I can say towards him.

Speaking practically, there's a couple of points I'd like to address. Speaking to the sex itself, I think you're using it as a bit of a security blanket...you seem, based on your post, to seek sex when when things are at a low. That, of course, brings us to a double edged sword...you seek sex for security, but dislike the action itself. That creates a bit of a vicious circle. The key here, I think, is discovering and working past why you seek sex when things aren't going well. Do you have any idea why that would be? What about sex makes it something you seek when you're feeling down? If I may guess...it sounds to me like you seek sex as a substitution for familial love, as based on your post, it sounds like there's a correlation between how you and your family are getting along and your sexual activity. Do you think that's a correct observation?

But I would say this as well...your family's reaction to you having sex is entirely wrong. Granted, I would understand if they were concerned over your rationale behind it...that would make sense to me. But you're an adult woman. You've zero obligation to inform your mother over your sex life...it is none of her business. Sex should be an informed decision between you and a partner whom you love and respect...and at that, a private decision. There is no guilt to be had Agatha...you've no need to tell your mother about it. There is nothing wrong with sex, provided your heart and feelings are in the right place. You've done nothing wrong. Please don't feel that way.

I hope that you'll be able to work past this. I hope that in time, sex will become a meaningful and special event for you that it deserves to be. But please, know at least that you've done nothing wrong. Not in the slightest. If you take nothing else away from this, do take that. There's no need to be ashamed.

If I can do anything for you at all, please feel free to PM me.

Many hugs,
Harley

I wouldn't feel this way if I haven't had sex for all the wrong reasons. I don't feel this way towards the only guy I loved and I can say that having sex with him was amazing. I don't regret it and I don't feel like it was as dirty as the other things I have done.

I believe I had to say all of this because I did it just to upset my mother or because I thougth I was smarter than her. Because she made me feel dirty then and I wanted her to notice how much her accusations had affected me. But this time, I had to tell her because I felt bad for wanting to hurt her. And so I told her. I apologized for trying to hurt her by doing these things, not exactly for what I did.

I also believe I'm a little like an animal. When hurt or threatened I always react instinctly, not rationally. Look at how dogs react when they are stressed. They seem to be aroused, but they are actually scared. And that's what happens to me. And as an only child, spoiled and overprotected, I can't say no to myself and need to find a way out of my mom's overprotection. This all leads to sex.

And yes, I still feel a little dirty, but not because I have had sex without "permission", but because of the reasons why I did it. It's weird, but I also believe in true love, in finding the one who will love my soul before my body.

I guess I needed to confess in order to seek redemption. My mom has been so understanding, acting like nothing ever happened, telling me that it's all right, that I just have to stop hurting myself and even encouraging me to go back to school and finish my master... It has been really difficult. I am used to being yelled at, to being told to leave the house and to being accused of such bad things, that I feel even worse now that she is so nice...

But this kind of guilt I can live with. This is the kind that makes me want to be a better person, the kind that brings hope of better things coming my way.

Thank you, really. As for my friend... It's strange, but it was really easy for me to forgive him. Maybe because I always knew I had been a victim and never, not for one second, did I feel like I had done something wrong. Unlike when the other man touched me, when I felt guilty of enjoying the sensations he awakened in me, when I knew I was too young to feel sexually aroused or when he was too old for me. I don't know.

But one thing I have for sure and it's that now I hate myself for making the wrong decissions, for being unable to forgive what was just a terrible mistake my mother did, and worst of all, for using myself as a weapon that just backfired on me.

So, my task now will be to forgive myself. Everyone else is forgiven. The one person I couldn't forgive was my mother, but so many things have happened in the last years, that I have had this incredible mother I love with all my heart. And now it's time for me to change, to stop trying to punish everyone I think that has hurt me, starting with myself.

I don't know if prayer really works, but it worked for me, and not for the first time. Ir has brought such clarity, that I can finally see that nowadays, my anger is towards myself. And forgiving myself won't be as easy ad forgiving other people, but I want to believe I will be fine.

Thank you again for your words. You confirm what I think about sex with a person that really deserves my love and respect.

[chamssou15]

we are all lost