[snarkydaddy]

Today while doing a search for something quite unrelated to sex I came across a BDSM video that was engaged in some SM with tape electrodes and rather serious set of batteries. Needless to say the electrodes were attached to sensitive regions of the body such as the inner thigh, etc...

What struck me about this was that this was used on me in this very way when I was 12 years old by a Boy Scout leader.
I will spare you the details on what happened to me over a period of a year, but I will say that electrodes and batteries were used on me many times and I was tied up each time.

I found this disturbing and made me want to rethink my
involvement with BDSM.



ESTIM

[Webgoji]

Sorry to hear that. I can imagine how upsetting that must have been. I guess it would be kind of like really enjoying vodka, but then drinking too much and getting sick every time you taste it after that.

I think the thing to remind yourself of is that BDSM is what you and your partner agree upon. If the battery cables come out, explicitly say no and do what it is that you are comfortable with. You can still enjoy the spanking and tying up and stuff without having to go so far as what you described.

[snarkydaddy]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Sorry to hear that. I can imagine how upsetting that must have been. I guess it would be kind of like really enjoying vodka, but then drinking too much and getting sick every time you taste it after that.

I think the thing to remind yourself of is that BDSM is what you and your partner agree upon. If the battery cables come out, explicitly say no and do what it is that you are comfortable with. You can still enjoy the spanking and tying up and stuff without having to go so far as what you described.

It would more like being sexually abused and seeing it being done to someone else.

As for choices and consent. The BS part of BDSM is how I am wired. and for that matter how my partner is wired. We both have different reason for it never the less it is what it is.

There was a brief time when we thought it may not be necessary, to some degree that is true. However that was in error as the need for both of us to engage is still there for both of us. Frankly for me it keeps me in the moment other wise I drift. It allows me to stay focused on my partner.

My thinking about reevaluating it has to do with the core reason of why I need to do this from time to time. I suppose I will address this in therapy at sone point as I am sure it is connected to attachment and bonding issues I have.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Sorry to hear that. I can imagine how upsetting that must have been. I guess it would be kind of like really enjoying vodka, but then drinking too much and getting sick every time you taste it after that.

I think the thing to remind yourself of is that BDSM is what you and your partner agree upon. If the battery cables come out, explicitly say no and do what it is that you are comfortable with. You can still enjoy the spanking and tying up and stuff without having to go so far as what you described.

Hi I'm
His partner and we don't do spanking or battery stuff. I think what he was saying is he sees the link between the sexual abuse he encountered and bdsm practices he's since learned about. In this case this is a negative not a positive.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by leomama

Hi I'm
His partner and we don't do spanking or battery stuff. I think what he was saying is he sees the link between the sexual abuse he encountered and bdsm practices he's since learned about. In this case this is a negative not a positive.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh, hmmm ... but yeah, I can totally see how that would bring back some horrific memories.

[Phreak]

I'm sorry to hear that something triggered you like this.

The important difference as everybody else has said is consent.

BDSM = SSC! Just because YKINMK it does not mean that YKINOK and vice versa.

[snarkydaddy]

Originally Posted by Phreak

I'm sorry to hear that something triggered you like this.

The important difference as everybody else has said is consent.

BDSM = SSC! Just because YKINMK it does not mean that YKINOK and vice versa.

yes being that YKINMK is the traditional view I can see why you missed my point about addressing attachment and bonding issues. I was not expressing a view either way on sensation play. I was expressing a thought about sexual abuse and my larger issue BPD. I was also talking about how one is wired...for example

further I will add, I got in trouble as a little boy and I mean little for tying up a neighbor girl. I had no exposure to BDSM at the age of 5. It was how I was/am wired in
connecting.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Oh, hmmm ... but yeah, I can totally see how that would bring back some horrific memories.

Those would be his memories not mine

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[leomama]

Originally Posted by snarkydaddy

It would more like being sexually abused and seeing it being done to someone else.

As for choices and consent. The BS part of BDSM is how I am wired. and for that matter how my partner is wired. We both have different reason for it never the less it is what it is.

There was a brief time when we thought it may not be necessary, to some degree that is true. However that was in error as the need for both of us to engage is still there for both of us. Frankly for me it keeps me in the moment other wise I drift. It allows me to stay focused on my partner.

My thinking about reevaluating it has to do with the core reason of why I need to do this from time to time. I suppose I will address this in therapy at sone point as I am sure it is connected to attachment and bonding issues I have.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes for me D/s isn't so much about physical interaction as it is about psychological interaction. However the first and foremost requirement for any relationship is psychological health.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I echo what Phreak said....

And, personally, I don't want to know WHY I like or don't like certain stuff. Because then I might not like what I like....

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Phreak

I'm sorry to hear that something triggered you like this.

The important difference as everybody else has said is consent.

BDSM = SSC! Just because YKINMK it does not mean that YKINOK and vice versa.

I think you're missing the point. Snarky daddy was sharing about his sexual abuse and instead of supporting him you were defending your lifestyle. This isn't Fetlife. This is psych central, a place where people go to get help with mental health problems. He wasn't saying it wasn't ok to do those things. He was saying that's how he was abused, and for the record I'm the one who encouraged him to post here about it because I thought it would be helpful.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Middlemarcher]

I think these discussions get complicated and people miss the point because so often, conversations about BDSM are aimed at dispelling myths: BDSM is not about abuse or non-consent, most people who participate in BDSM are not survivors of abuse, etc...

But some of us are, and that's a complicated thing to navigate. Snarky daddy, I think I understand somewhat where you're coming from. I'm a switch, but I have a particularly pronounced masochistic streak. I have worried whether my penchant for pain is tied to childhood trauma and self-image issues, whether I'm reinforcing trauma and negative patterns, whether I'm using it as a substitute for self-harming, etc. I've talked about this with my therapist a lot, and for me, what I came to was that as long as I wasn't coming out of a play session feeling badly (emotionally upset, guilt/shame, feeling bad about myself, having been triggered), I was okay with it. My solution was to identify the things (words, actions, situations) that stirred me up negatively, and make sure my partner knew to avoid those things.

It takes work to navigate that thin line, of course. I once saw someone out on the internet say something to the effect of "the subconscious doesn't understand consent vs non-consent." That definitely resonates with me. Consent or no, safe sane whatever, I can still get very stirred up on a subconscious level (physical anxiety symptoms, nightmares, bad sleep, etc).

But I understand being wired for this stuff. I'm not sure whether I just was born that way, or whether early childhood trauma might have contributed. I don't have a lot of explicit memories from when I was young. But the very first fantasies I can remember were of a sadomasochistic nature. I can have vanilla sex, and it's reasonably good. But BDSM gets me going a lot more.

I don't know if any of that addresses your post or whether it resonates with you at all. I know this is bound up with attachment issues with you, and I suspect that your attachment issues may be the opposite of my own (in a romantic relationship, I fall very extremely into the anxious/preoccupied category; some of BDSM for me is about that desire to completely merge with my lover). But I am sorry that you were triggered by what you saw, and sorry for what you've suffered, and I hope that you can have some productive conversations with your therapist. Hugs also to leomama.

[snarkydaddy]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

I think these discussions get complicated and people miss the point because so often, conversations about BDSM are aimed at dispelling myths: BDSM is not about abuse or non-consent, most people who participate in BDSM are not survivors of abuse, etc...

But some of us are, and that's a complicated thing to navigate. Snarky daddy, I think I understand somewhat where you're coming from. I'm a switch, but I have a particularly pronounced masochistic streak. I have worried whether my penchant for pain is tied to childhood trauma and self-image issues, whether I'm reinforcing trauma and negative patterns, whether I'm using it as a substitute for self-harming, etc. I've talked about this with my therapist a lot, and for me, what I came to was that as long as I wasn't coming out of a play session feeling badly (emotionally upset, guilt/shame, feeling bad about myself, having been triggered), I was okay with it. My solution was to identify the things (words, actions, situations) that stirred me up negatively, and make sure my partner knew to avoid those things.

It takes work to navigate that thin line, of course. I once saw someone out on the internet say something to the effect of "the subconscious doesn't understand consent vs non-consent." That definitely resonates with me. Consent or no, safe sane whatever, I can still get very stirred up on a subconscious level (physical anxiety symptoms, nightmares, bad sleep, etc).

But I understand being wired for this stuff. I'm not sure whether I just was born that way, or whether early childhood trauma might have contributed. I don't have a lot of explicit memories from when I was young. But the very first fantasies I can remember were of a sadomasochistic nature. I can have vanilla sex, and it's reasonably good. But BDSM gets me going a lot more.

I don't know if any of that addresses your post or whether it resonates with you at all. I know this is bound up with attachment issues with you, and I suspect that your attachment issues may be the opposite of my own (in a romantic relationship, I fall very extremely into the anxious/preoccupied category; some of BDSM for me is about that desire to completely merge with my lover). But I am sorry that you were triggered by what you saw, and sorry for what you've suffered, and I hope that you can have some productive conversations with your therapist. Hugs also to leomama.

Middlemarcher, thank you for your thoughtful reply. This topic is subconsciously very dense and has take a while to process through. So I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I have wrestled with whether I had a leaning towards being a masochistic / sadomasochistic and I needed to be very careful here because of the abuse issue for the reasons you mentioned about reinforcement. It was important to me I was very clear minded on this issue as I could see it would really mess me up and her my sex partner if my conclusion were wrong. In the end I concluded it was not me. And I need to stay away from it.

In the beinging with my relationship with leomama we processed through a D/lg relationship (our own version of it). We realized that her issues were that of an adult child and it was unhealthy for us to continue with what we were doing as we were in a 24/7 version which for us meant we never role played as I was in fact functioning as her real father (right complicated). As we are life partners we have a lot of room and flexibility to figure things out and come up with the correct relationship model. Which we now have.

I am sexually dominant and she is sexually submissive in the bed room. Both of us have a need for bondage for different reason and it is too involved for this reply. I will add she was the first person I ever had sober sex with and it was rough going physiologically for me while engaging in Vanilla sex at first. For example I could not function at all in missionary position.

"ome of BDSM for me is about that desire to completely merge with my lover). "

I can relate to this very much as BDSM helps me stay focused and with leomama helps her stay contained which does help us to merge which is very important to us. BSDM is very emotionally satisfying and pleasurable. A positive reinforcement of a healthy relationship.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

I think these discussions get complicated and people miss the point because so often, conversations about BDSM are aimed at dispelling myths: BDSM is not about abuse or non-consent, most people who participate in BDSM are not survivors of abuse, etc...

But some of us are, and that's a complicated thing to navigate. Snarky daddy, I think I understand somewhat where you're coming from. I'm a switch, but I have a particularly pronounced masochistic streak. I have worried whether my penchant for pain is tied to childhood trauma and self-image issues, whether I'm reinforcing trauma and negative patterns, whether I'm using it as a substitute for self-harming, etc. I've talked about this with my therapist a lot, and for me, what I came to was that as long as I wasn't coming out of a play session feeling badly (emotionally upset, guilt/shame, feeling bad about myself, having been triggered), I was okay with it. My solution was to identify the things (words, actions, situations) that stirred me up negatively, and make sure my partner knew to avoid those things.

It takes work to navigate that thin line, of course. I once saw someone out on the internet say something to the effect of "the subconscious doesn't understand consent vs non-consent." That definitely resonates with me. Consent or no, safe sane whatever, I can still get very stirred up on a subconscious level (physical anxiety symptoms, nightmares, bad sleep, etc).

But I understand being wired for this stuff. I'm not sure whether I just was born that way, or whether early childhood trauma might have contributed. I don't have a lot of explicit memories from when I was young. But the very first fantasies I can remember were of a sadomasochistic nature. I can have vanilla sex, and it's reasonably good. But BDSM gets me going a lot more.

I don't know if any of that addresses your post or whether it resonates with you at all. I know this is bound up with attachment issues with you, and I suspect that your attachment issues may be the opposite of my own (in a romantic relationship, I fall very extremely into the anxious/preoccupied category; some of BDSM for me is about that desire to completely merge with my lover). But I am sorry that you were triggered by what you saw, and sorry for what you've suffered, and I hope that you can have some productive conversations with your therapist. Hugs also to leomama.

Thanks middle marcher, you made a really excellent post. I always think it's a good idea to talk about one's sexual abuse issues with one's therapist especially if one is In a relationship. Like with other issues that's too much to put on one's partner. I know I've talked with my therapist about my sexual issues, more like relationship issues, at length. I also know there are religious issues around sexuality as well as addiction issues.

For me BDSM iconography first started showing up in my art as a teen. How it got there I don't know. It might be because I discovered porn at a young age in a neighbor's treehouse. I know for myself getting involved in BDSM after having my child has always bothered me although I suspect my child is not as conservative as I am. I also live in a family apartment complex so that too makes me self conscious. I wear a collar so that is an outward statement of being involved in the lifestyle or an alternative relationship.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk