Sick of Vanilla!

I've been married to the same guy for 20 yrs this yr. it's taken a long to time get comfortable w/sex & my body. Now I'm in my 40's & feel like my sexual self is exploding.
We've had a good sex life. It's always gotten better & the past few yrs have been great bec he really understands how to satisfy me. My orgasms have been off the charts! But I feel there's more there to be explored. He, on the other hand, has gotten a lot faster & less into exploring. The actual sex part is less then 10min & I get very frustrated by it. I don't tell him bec I don't wanto hurt him.

For the past couple of yrs I've tried to bring more excitement to the bedroom. I'd like to explore BDSM w/him & have asked him to do a couple of small things like pull my hair, get Into a bit of bondage & he has done it half heartedly. I bought him a book on being a good dom & highlighted something's I'd like to try, but he gets embarrassed over it. He also knows I'm a sexual abuse survivor & worries he will trigger me.
I've talked to him at length about this & explained that if I was triggered I'd ask him to stop. Also that this is very different bec I have a say in it & have more control. It's something I like & would like more of it.
I feel like I'm finally finding myself sexually.

Still we do the same stuff. I'm frustrated & my sexual fantasies are raging. I've been told to give him time to get into a little bit of BDSM but he doesn't really seem interested.

I have very little in my life that makes me happy. Have terrible problems w/ depression,PTSD & DID. Sex is an outlet for me. I'd like to have it every night if I could. He'd rather watch the NHL playoffs.
Bec I'm married, am I supposed to just put up & shut up? I feel like I've been patient & have asked for small changes that he's not really willing to bother with. Will it just always be vanilla? I'm terribly sexually frustrated & sometimes feel there must be something wrong w/ me. Maybe I'm asking for too much? Maybe sex just isn't as important to him. Maybe I think about sex too much. I've honestly thought of going outside of my marriage for satisfaction, but know that'll just cause more problems than what the sex is worth.
Any ideas?
Thanks.

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I think it takes a proper sit down discussion to share views, hopes, worries, etc. I think it comes down to him not wanting to hurt you or cause further trauma, but he really needs to know how you feel about it which you are really educated and self aware and that's really good!! He just needs to see this and know you've done your research and self exploration.

When I was in my last relationship, it wasn't sexual (my ex was a repulsed asexual, I am just asexual and eh not a big deal) and when I wanted to explore the dynamics of D/s relationships, I'd bring up factors and she was curious but wouldn't get too far into it. It's when I sat down with her and explained what we could both get out of it (she was naturally dominant) she agreed it would be something enjoyable and therapeutic and asked for time to conduct her own research on it.

After two weeks, we tried it, and both enjoyed it immensely.

I think you have it down with how you want to approach communication. I think you're going about this the right way. I do think it is important to have an extended discussion about it and give him time to process these ideas and do his own reading into the topic.

Hi Patagonia: I seem to recall having read that women reach their sexual peak in their 40's. (I could be wrong about that.) But one thing I do know, from personal experience, is that men typically begin to slow down around that age. And, I'm sorry to report that (again based on my own experience) it's all downhill from there on out. I'm sure this isn't true of every man. But, for me, with all that's gone on, by the time I reached my late 50's & now into my 60's I have almost no sex drive left at all. And, personally I'm glad it's gone.

I think an frank and open conversation might help. Ask him what fantasies he has, what things he would like to try, let him know you won't judge him or become upset. Each of you might have some things you want to try that the other one isn't interested in (or won't do) and that's OK. But communication is key, the hard part is getting him to get past being embarrassed by the subject and to truly open up on what he wants.

You try some of the things he wants to try, he tries some of the things you want.

I agree with everyone else, just sit down and talk to him and explain how you feel. If he is losing his sex drive tell him to go get some drugs. You are his wife and he still should feel the need and want to pleasure you. If my wife came to me and wanted to do some kinky stuff like BDSM and various other stuff i'd be for it. I am bi-sexual so she will wear a strap-on or rim me and do other things so you know in a relationship you gotta be open to change and explore those feelings.

I am also a Sexual Abuse Survivor and I love when my wife dominate me with the strap-on! Sorry if that is TMI.

I think it is great that you are trying to get more out of your sexual relationship with your man. I think that you need to sit down and have a talk with him and be as serious as you can, and be open about how much you want this.

I can relate with you I am a Sexual Abuse survivor as well. I am bi-sexual so when me and my wife are having sex she will sometimes use a strap-on on me and I absolutely love to me dominated by her when we are doing that. I don't know if this has anything to do with the sexual abuse but when I am dominated by her it is like I lose all self control and nothing else in the world matters at that moment.

Like I said just be open and honest with your hubby, maybe get him some books and articles about how to start...

When I hit about the age of 47, my "sexual self exploded", too. I'm now 53 and as "highly-charged" as ever. Unfortunately, I'm not currently in an intimate relationship w/anyone... nor have I been in years. But, if I were... I'd keep telling him about my desires, I'd be asking him about his... keep whispering about the things we could do... I could do... he could do. I'd spice up my daily interactions with him—tell him know hot I am for him.
Oh crap... went off a bit, there... sorry.
Like Mike_J says, nonjudgmental open communication is key. Don't hold back.