[BubsMom]

My husband has complained for pretty much as long as we've been together (8 years) that I don't initiate sex. It's not that I'm not attracted to him or that I don't enjoy sex, I do. I am thinking about seeing a sex therapist because I've never had an orgasm, which I'm sure is a big part of the problem. It's gotten to the point where he doesn't initiate much anymore either. He says my apparent lack of interest has caused his libido to basically shut off, partly because I don't make him feel wanted by wanting sex.
Has anyone had this problem? Mainly I mean sex becoming very infrequent because one partner doesn't initiate? He says every other woman he's been with initiated sex as much as he did. Is that true for other relationships? Initiating is equal? When he initiates I rarely say no, so I guess I don't get why he wouldn't just do that as often as HE wants sex.

[bixkf]

BubsMom,

I believe that I can understand what you are going through. Although I am a man, due to a back injury I have lost the sensation in my penis and I too am unable to orgasm through penetrative sex. It is also difficult to keep an erection as I am unable to feel most of what my wife is doing. There's no warmth, no friction, no tension...in the place on my body that is supposed to have the most nerve-endings, I feel nothing. It just means that even when I know I want to have sex, even when I know that my goal is the act of pleasure my wife through whatever means I can use, I still have an extremely hard time initiating. Right now there are just too many complications so that sex is no longer about the moment. I need to take a Viagra just to keep it up so that my wife can try to enjoy herself on my penis. The thing is it is hard to pull everything together at the same time. She has to be aroused, I have to take a Viagra, I have to get aroused and get it up, we have to be uninterrupted, she has to feel romanced...in the end this becomes a pressure with lots of expectations, which itself diminishes the desire to initiate.

My wife has told me that she doesn't want to initiate because she sees my frustration after we have sex, from not ejaculating or from ejaculating without an orgasm. I know that she probably feels that she is protecting me from "pain" by not trying to have sex.

You say that you have been together for 8 years, though I don't know how old you are or if you have kids. We are in our mid-40s and we have two "grown" girls (15 & 21). We both have a lot of reasons to distract us from being intimate, and many reasons to justify it to ourselves.

The only real advice I can give, based on our situation (which isn't working either) is to talk. Perhaps your husband doesn't initiate because he thinks that since you don't orgasm, you don't want sex. Maybe he thinks he is using you if the actual sex is mutually fulfilling. You both need to know how each other feels and thinks. He might be right or might be wrong. If you are willing to have sex with him, even without an orgasm, he needs to know. I've told my wife this, and it hasn't made a big difference...but at least I've tried.

Hugs...I hope this helps knowing that you are not alone and that it isn't limited to just women. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

[hamster-bamster]

Oh, you poor thing with no orgasms. I hope you get help with that.

I do not see what the big deal with initiation is for you. I do see why it is a big deal for him - he wants to be wanted. But it is trivial to do that for him - catch him unaware, put your palms on his eyes from behind, ask him to guess, giggle, remove your hands, stroke his face with the back of your leading hand, with your eyes, point towards the bedroom, raise your eyebrows, bat your eyelashes a few times, and give him a bashful smile. Takes longer to write about it than to execute these simple steps. There are countless alternatives, of course, the point is that initiating sex can be ligjthearyed and playful - not a chore.

[tljim]

Your husband just wants to feel wanted. If he's always the one initiating, how can he feel that you are still attracted to him. He may feel that you are just doing your spousal duty. Try reversing the roles and see it from his point of view. You might both try to take the free quiz on the 5 love languages. That way you can both see how each of you views and communicate love.

I'm sorry you never orgasm. It could actually be a fun adventure for the two of you to try to reach orgasm. People are different. Some reach orgasm very quickly and others take forever. My advice is to read different sex literature together and try different things on each other. I think it could get you two closer to each other.

I have seen plenty of the initiation complaints go both ways...there's as many male complaints as female.

Good luck and have fun!

Yes, it's very nice when the female initiates, it makes him feel attractive and also it takes the pressure off of him having to perform, because all he is doing is acceding to your desires.

Just sit with him and start to make out. Let it go from there.

[cureav]

Are you Proactive or Reactive?

“If you’re proactive, you don’t have to wait for circumstances or other people to create perspective expanding experiences. You can consciously create your own." - Stephen Covey

If you never initiate sex, you can be this way in many other fields of life. Maybe you are got used to for things to happen to you.

In my case, I am pretty Reactive and passive, this is also in searching the relationships, but when it comes to sex, my hormones do the rest, I barely can stop myself even I see that she is not so interested in sex.

Lack of initiative I address to 3rd stage of Erikson's psycho-social development - Initiative vs. Guilt, where my parents blocked my childish exploring of environment in order to be peaceful and quiet child and not to nerve them up. Major question in this stage (4-5 years of age) is: "Is It Okay For Me To Do, Move and Act?"

If you want to resolve that, you can act on symptom (by taking an initiative against your programmed will) or you can try to find a cause of it.

My example is only one of many.

Good luck

[hamster-bamster]

When he initiates I rarely say no, so I guess I don't get why he wouldn't just do that as often as HE wants sex.[/QUOTE]

You write about sex as if it were a commodity. Also, for a woman living in Boston, waiting for 8 years before tackling the problem of no orgasms is way too long.

These two things stand out as highly unusual in your post.

Your question about whether initiating happens equally in all relationships cannot be answered on this board because this board is not a representative sample of the population of couples. Nor is it a relevant question. Suppose, hypothetically, that the answer is that 23.47% of women in couples don't initiate sex. Are you going to print that figure on a flag, adding "See! You were wrong, you bastard. I am not the only one," and waive this flag each time he raises the issue?

He is asking you to do something that is trivial, does not cost money, does not take much time, and is fun if you apply a little imagination. So why are you reluctant to give something so simple to the man you exchanged vows with? The vows were supposedly about doing far heftier things for one another.

By itself your reluctance is unexplainable, but if there are issues you didn't present, or, might not even be consciously aware of yourself, then it is another story. Do you harbor resentment towards him? Do you quietly wish he contributed more to caring for your child, but are too timid to ask?..