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  #1  
Old May 16, 2014, 04:26 PM
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bwkeys45 bwkeys45 is offline
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I am in no way looking for pity- just thought I should say that so no one gets the wrong idea about why I'm posting this. I just want to know if anyone else has gotten to the point where they have accepted or are starting accept the fact that they are going to be without romantic love. I am a 17 year old bisexual girl and, being 17, I get a lot of my friends saying "You've got plenty of time!" or "You're still young!" to me when I confide in them about never having someone (no marriage, no common law, no serious relationship, etc). What I want people to understand is that I just feel like I shouldn't be that big a part of anyone's life. I don't think I'm ugly, I don't think I'm undatable, it's just that it's in everyone else's best interest if I just don't get involved with anyone. I realize that a part of this is that I've been through a very emotionally abusive relationship and that I've never really had a "good" relationship to look up to (parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles), but I've made the decision that I am better off without anyone. It's not really for my sake, as I do fall in love with people and do want to spend time with them, but more for their sake so I can't hurt them. First, I don't want them to go through what I have gone through in past relationships because of me. Second, I do deal with depression and anxiety and I am afraid that I won't be able to be there for them. Again, I am not condemning myself to a life of loneliness because I have no self confidence or feel that no one will ever love me, it's just that it wouldn't be fair to them. If I am fortunate enough to be in a relationship with someone, they deserve to feel just as loved as I do and, unfortunately, I am not capable of doing that. So, is that rational? Anyone else in the same boat?
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  #2  
Old May 16, 2014, 04:42 PM
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I do consider myself Asexual so I can relate.
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  #3  
Old May 16, 2014, 11:47 PM
GenerallyBewildered GenerallyBewildered is offline
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There's a difference in my honest opinion, about not wanting to be in a relationship right now, and not wanting to be in one ever. I don't think wanting to take time for yourself and your healing would be in any way bad. I don't think taking a decade of personal love and self reflection is bad, even. Living without finding "the one" is completely fine but I wouldn't commit yourself to a lifetime of it, rather take a sort of "if it happens it happens, I'll be the same regardless" approach. We make enough lifelong decisions at the early adult years, what job/degree, college, work, marriage, kids I don't think adding to that will help.

Basically I wouldn't commit yourself to -never- being in love with someone else, because if you do you can miss something or bury feelings and neither is, in general, healthy.
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  #4  
Old May 23, 2014, 02:45 AM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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I do not know where you are located. In the US anxiety is the most common mental health disorder, and depression is up there as well. Just by sheer numbers, if everyone afflicted with depression and anxiety follows your line of reasoning, we would see a very significant drop in the birthrate.
  #5  
Old May 23, 2014, 02:59 AM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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On a more serious note, your post is astoundingly unusual. First off, you write perfectly coherently, sentence nicely flowing after another, and sound, if anything, too mature for stated age, maybe due to difficult life so far. And yet you mislabel what is happening with you in the title of the thread. You would be ACCEPTING being alone if you were ugly, undatable, clumsy, socially awkward, without personal charm, rude, loud, foul smelling, etc.,and after years of trying to overcome all of the above, you have thrown in the towel and starting working on accepting the sad but undeniable reality.

You are not doing that. You are essentially saying:
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Old May 23, 2014, 03:21 AM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Sorry, it is the phone. So you are saying:

I am a young woman who is not at all bad looking, who is sociable and does get attracted to people and likes being in good company, but much more so she likes thinking of herself as superior to others and ready for self-sacrifices other people would not even consider.

Which is totally fine as a phase of the years of your youth. As a poster above noted, just do not commit to this.

Back to "accept". The OP talks about a decision you made. So you already made the decision, but now are in need of help accepting your own decision? Not terribly logical.

You have had attractions, but have never been in love,
I think, and two things make me think that.

1. You write about being in love very casually, in the same sentence in which you write about liking to spend time with people. Plus, there is no emotion in how you describe it. So those were probably fleeting attractions
, which is perfectly fine, but not love.

Second, when you truly love someone but forego pursuing that love for some reason, it is very hard. I have done it, and lots of people I know have done it, for reasons that have nothing to do with yours, and it is hard, and people talk about such sacrifices with emotion even 50 years later. You write in a completely unemotionsl and totally cerebral fashion, and in that cerebral fashion you created a fairly logical, except for the "accept" part, internal dogma - "I had no positive role models so I will never be caring and loving so my gift to humankind is my total removal of myself from the world of relationships, amen".

All of this is good news, because it means that you are theorizing. When you fall hard for somebody, the sand castles of your theorizing will get smashed, and you will find internal motivation to care for that person despite your past. In the meantime, since you cannot identify love, you can read about it - Goethe would be a good start.

Note that there is an element of self-adoration in your post, almost as if you reveled in being different and making unusual choices. All of that is, of course, completely within the range of normal adolescent development and not a cause for concern. You have a lively internal life and I wish you all the best in the long run.
  #7  
Old May 24, 2014, 07:32 AM
Tristan H. Tristan H. is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bwkeys45 View Post
I am a 17 year old bisexual girl and, being 17, I get a lot of my friends saying "You've got plenty of time!" or "You're still young!" to me when I confide in them about never having someone (no marriage, no common law, no serious relationship, etc).
Serious relationships, marriage? You do realise the extreme minority of people in the West who get married by 17, don't you? And very few relationships last past high-school precisely because they aren't serious.

Everything you're saying would be nonsense even if you were 27. You say you're not looking for pity? Fair enough. Then I'll accuse you of hubris, for thinking you've got it all figured out at 17. Hint: there's a lot more of life waiting to be experienced.
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  #8  
Old May 26, 2014, 09:08 PM
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bwkeys45 bwkeys45 is offline
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Wow- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound arrogant or full of myself at all. I think I misspoke in saying that I have accepted- what I meant to say was that I am starting to accept and that I was wondering if anyone had ever had a similar idea about themselves. I'm also sorry that this came across as a self-love, "I'm better than others" kind of thing, because that is far from the truth. I am very sorry if my phrasing or choice of words offended anyone; I was honestly just hoping for someone who shared my train of thought. I realize that my thoughts are way too mature for my stage in life, but I still have them and I will continue to. I guess the main idea I was trying to convey is that:

1.) I don't hate myself,
2.) I don't hate people, but
3.) I feel like it is better for me to be only a casual part of anyone's life

Again, I'm sorry if I misspoke and/or offended anyone. Please let me know if you would like anything else cleared up or another apology for something else.
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  #9  
Old May 28, 2014, 06:50 AM
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bixkf bixkf is offline
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Bwkeys45,

I'll start by saying that you have no reason to apologize or concern yourself if someone feels offended by talking about yourself. It is hard enough for us to understand ourselves, let alone explain in writing our most intimate of intimates.

I agree with the comments above where other posters are saying that you are young and have lots of life ahead of you, and that you should just let life happen. I believe that you shouldn't "Accept that you will be alone", but that you should accept to let life happen to you, whatever that brings.

I know that this thread is about helping you, but I think a personal example may help. In my early teens I wasn't the most exciting guy, a bit geeky, though not that bad looking. I was never very outgoing and was always very shy. This kind of personality meant that I was never successful with girls, even if I could get one interested I was never able to "figure them out". All of my attempts failed because I was never the "guy" in the relationship.
As luck would have it, my best friend and I were pretty much in the same position. Around 15 yo through some odd discussion, we started a sexual relationship. It worked. As a guy, I understood what he wanted and I gave it to him. Eventually we moved on, but I became more confident in my sexuality and what I wanted and expected from life.
As I grew older and moved on to university and work, I found that I was pretty well accepting that each day would finish alone, and that if the universe sent someone, man or woman, to me I would enjoy the company while it lasted. I considered myself a somewhat permanent bisexual bachelor, always wanting, but never expecting.
It wasn't until I was 27 that I met my current wife. I didn't foresee it coming, it just happened. We clicked...and we are still together. Did things change...of course. I've had to hold back my gay side to be honest and loyal, but I have done this willingly. But I truly believe that my life is better with her, where we both support each other and work through our issues and problems.

I guess my point is that maybe you could just accept that whatever happens...happens. And that it shouldn't be you that decides that everyone else is better off without you being involved. If I had continued to follow that lifeline, as in who would want a geeky bisexual guy who isn't confident and wants others to be in control...I'd probably be alone still. But I didn't and I have a wonderful wife and family.

I hope this helps you.
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  #10  
Old May 28, 2014, 09:56 AM
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I am asexual. I was raised to be that way and I'd known it for years. Therapy - years of it - could not change it. The years of bad parenting and the dysfunctional gay community did not help. You see yourself as different though, as bisexual.

Here's my suggestion. Set small goals, namely, aim to have many friends. Friends who are mentally healthy. You never know what type of healing will occur long-term. Do healthy things. Have healthy hobbies. Avoid alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. Exercise often. Treat yourself well. Create distance from your family so that your life is, well, healthy. Healing happens. You are young enough for it to happen. Be open to possibilities. Do things that will make those possibilities happen. All the best to you!
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  #11  
Old May 28, 2014, 12:40 PM
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TashaAnne63 TashaAnne63 is offline
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Reading through what a lot of people of answered, I was shocked that some of them were so negative, but I suppose that could be because I understood everything you said perfectly... because I felt, at one point, exactly the same way that you did.

I, too, am bisexual, though at the time of my feeling as though others would be better off without a relationship with me, I didn't realize that. I'm 16 at the moment.

When I was younger, up until about age... 10 or 11, I suppose, I was dealing with some very serious emotional hurts. While new hurts were not necessarily being inflicted at that moment, I was still very torn up over old ones. To make a very, very long story short, that pain grew into bitterness, then anger, then murderous rage and hate - and by murderous I do mean that quite literally. I suppose it would be a surprising emotion to find in an 11 year old, but still.

Eventually, I was able to forgive those hurts. It was very difficult, and I wouldn't have been to do it with God, but I was able to release the anger.

Even so, up until this past year, I've never really felt like I could be in a serious, committed relationship, because I didn't want to hurt others... because it felt as though there was this monster inside of me; this monster so much like my father when he inflicted those emotional wounds in me when I was so young, and I was terrified I would inflict similar hurts onto someone else. I still feel that way, sometimes. Because of this, I shunned any potential dates I might've been able to have last year.

However, as a gradual change over this past year, I've been feeling more like I can handle it. Like I am my own person - I am not controlled by what has been done to me. With God's help, I've been forcing myself draw out the more compassionate side of me; the calmer version of me; the one who doesn't see that worst in people.

I don't really know how to advise you. I don't even think I can. However, I do want to give you some hope, because I truly believe that I'm coming out of this. If I can come out of this, I think you can, too. Of course, God is willing to help, also, if you but ask Him...

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

Another thing, though, is that if you've truly accepted being without a serious relationship, then I don't think there's anything wrong... People don't have to have someone with them in order to be happy or live a fulfilled life. However, from the way you were talking, it sounds more like you're afraid of it, to me, and living your life in fear of something you truly desire is a suffocating feeling... I lived with it for just a couple of years and still feel that way, sometimes, and I look forward to the day I can truly be rid of it.

You may or may not appreciate me sharing my beliefs about God, but I believe them with all my heart, and I share them in the hope that everyone will be able to see God's love for us, because it is truly an incredible thing to experience.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7

Whatever happens, I truly hope you find happiness, whether it be with someone or without.

~ Tasha
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  #12  
Old May 30, 2014, 05:33 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Oh, you didn't offend anyone. Let me take all the subject matter out of your OP and look at the skeleton that is left.

1. I am 17.
2. I made a decision A which I plan to implement for my entire life.
3. Nobody forced me to make the decision A.
4. No act of nature has made the choice A my only choice.
5. I find it hard to live with the choice A.
6. Most people in my age group would not make decision A because most people in my age group do not make lifelong choices and committments.
7. Now I want help and support accepting the choice A. Not pity, now, but help.

As you see, this way it is obvious that the source of your trouble lies within you, which is good news because you have the power to change the way you make decisions. The unifying theme that runs through most of the responses you got is "do not plan so long term and do not make decisions based on grossly insufficient information, but let life unfold, play it by ear as you go, and make adjustments to your plans based on new data as it becomes available."

You can also ask yourself whether you tend to plan too far in advance in regards to different subject matter. Do you know where you will be living in 30 years? What would be your first job out of college? Or if you continue studying, do you know which university will invite you for a post doc assignment? Have you started making plans for your funeral service?

If indeed you do plan so far ahead, then it would be interesting to find out why you haven't accepted that uncertainty plays a big role in your life. If you don't, then the question is why your thinking about relationships is such an oddball. Perhaps you can streamline your thinking process so that regardless of the subject matter, you allow for uncertainty, change in circumstances, change in your internal process, and...
...a bit of luck
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